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Solutions for Tonight

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A platform of recovery for Jews who find themselves struggling with addictions to pornography, masturbation or other sexual problems. Post anonymously about your struggles without fear of anyone finding out who you are. Ask questions, post answers and be inspired! Get tips and guidance from the experts who moderate this forum, as well as from fellow strugglers.

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TOPIC: Solutions for Tonight 143897 Views

Re: Solutions for Tonight 18 Feb 2016 16:45 #278333

bigmoish
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You seemed pretty willing to let go back on February 3rd...
waydown wrote on 03 Feb 2016 16:25:

Ok guys yes I have been out of the loop and fell for a while but am now back in.

Firstly thanks to the graphics artist. The design gets nicer and nicer every time I log in.

Now my latest escapade. Yes unfortunatley I did get involved with some on-line chatting again with the other gender. Some girl played me good and started majorly flirting with me.(she was good looking) She aksed me numerous times if we should meet up.We also had some regular silly talk. One of the conversation revolved around kids. And I said my kids are "delicous". So she replies what does that mean. I replied just sooooo cute, great persoanlities and fun to be around with.Then she asks me so why do you wanna cheat? And I told her I don't wanna cheat bec I love my wife. Basiclly just looking for extra satisfaction but will probably never physically cheat although I think she is beuatifull. Then she spills the beans and tells me that she is letting me know this because she thinks I am a good person. She really intended to play with me just to tease me and get me because she hates when married guys "cheat". She told me to go get therapy. And then she said oh and you remember our converstaion re your sweet children. Well I work as a therpaist dealing with sexuallyy abused children and the word "delicous" raises alarm bells and if you ever chat with anyone else never say that.

That scared the heck out of me. Yes I did clarify myself and I really don't think there is much dirt to throw at me because of an expression. (I also googled it and found out the delicous, edible etc.. terms that my wife uses evem more than me are generally jewish terms used to refer to children and its not used often in secular circles) But the idea that you are playing with fire when chatting with complete strangers who don't know you and have different cultures shocked me. And another time they can take your picture (Yes I hate sharing pics but I did the stupid thing anyhow) and blackmail you. Then you have the website hackers and scammers. Their first trick is pose like good looking females. Thats the best trick how to spam and hack or blackmail.And of course just her whole got ya, tricked you thing and musser shmuz frm a goyisha shikitza sort of gave me a jolt.

Bottom line for total gashmuis purposes I am done with the idea of flirting. Its too dangerous. I do know that without working on my core lust issue I am playing with fire. So I am back although its hard to say that day 1 will be no more masterbating. It defintley should be.

Also I will not be constantly sitting all day posting on GYE. My last heated debate ended up turning me off a bit for various reasons which I will not post. So my new policy will be,I will post limited questions or responses, once in the morning and once late afternoon but not 24/6. Even though this is a heilige site. One on one chats on this site I have often found to be very productive though so i'll be around.

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www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/236327-Bigmoish-tries-to-be-good
www.guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/236329-Bigmoishs-path-to-tahara

"We have met the enemy and he is us" - Pogo
"Expectation is the mother of frustration" - gibbor120
"Today, damn it! Today!" - cordnoy
"Desiring is not a sin at all, but just a sign that you are not dead yet" - Dov
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Re: Solutions for Tonight 18 Feb 2016 17:17 #278339

Workingguy
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waydown wrote on Unknown:

Working guy,

very well said. i have no clue what I want to do. call it will power call it an unwillingness to let go of my enjoyments. This is part of my problem. Do we really want to work on ridding myself? I say maybe not. But I know its wrong and I should work on myself. So I guess I kind of want to want. Or as I once posted my intellect tells me stop its wrong and harmful but my emotions say if I feed the beast a little nothing will happen. So how do I decide that I could? And what do I do if I am not ready for that? Just nothing??

Waydown,

I hear you. I don't know what you do in the meantime. I remember when my wife was telling me about a friend who caught her husband and I thought that the same would happen to me and that I better stop, but I didn't because I only wanted to stop intellectually, not for real.

So I want to say a few things.

1) You can almost never tell someone that they have to stop or that they should; it usually has to come from within. Even people who are forced to go to twelve steps by court or whatever aren't necessity successful unless they've also hit bottom. So on that end I'm not sure what to tell you.

2) On the other hand, ask yourself why you don't want to stop. I'll tell you what I found about myself- that this addiction or whatever it is www medicating my pain about issues that I didn't feel we're doing to get better. So deep down, I had all sorts of rationalizations and reasons not to stop. My intimate life will NEVER be better, I'm a terrible person, etc etc. Basically I was happy to stay down in the gutter and feel like a piece of dirt because I didn't know what my alternative was. I was trying to stop and did on many levels, but wasn't getting to where I needs to be.

But then I started working on my issues and saw that life CAN be better, and that I can live in the moment. THEN, the IDEA of stopping became somewhat appealing, although I still had no clue how. I felt that I could be better, that life can be liveable if I worked on it, and even pleasant. THAT's when I started really succeeding.

Cordnoy posted it to me recently- that you have to focus on living- and he twelve steps is all about that- about fixing your life and not living with negativity.

So, perhaps you have to ask yourself what in your life is making acting out and escaping more appealing than living real life, being present? If you know what that is, perhaps you can work on that and then you'll want to decide that you should stop.

Just to be clear though- I am in no way telling IY to sit on the sidelines. If there's something you can do right now, do it. You're story freaked me out because of these YouTube videos I saw of the show to catch a predator where they have people doing the same thing that the woman did to you on the chat, except they pose as underage, and the guys got arrested and registered as sex offenders. That scared the stuffing out of me even though that's not my issue. So by all means work now if you can.

But if not, think about what I wrote above.

Keep on asking, thinking, digging and you'll come up with soemthing.

All the best,

Re: Solutions for Tonight 18 Feb 2016 21:30 #278360

waydown
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Working Guy,

Firstly, you are my man. You replies so hit the point and address the issues so eloquently.

Re what is making me act out? The same factor that makes people smoke even though they know that their mortality rates are far higher. At this point I don't think there is any underlying issues. Its simply and addictive fun and pleasurable act. I know other feel that there has to be some underlying problem. But there is nothing that I know of. I also don't see why that has to be the case. Why can't it simply be an addiction like smoking?

Re my recent story, yes its very scary. And I would probably never go back to those kind of sins simply because of that story. It should be a wakening call to tackle the whole lust issue. But unfortanetly all it only helped somewhat. Yes that story coupled with the simple freedom of not having to hide my computer from my wife, giving her and the family more attention, the idea of not spreading my dirty fingerprints all over the net and work productivty increases are all major incentives not to return. However, it has not brought be to the point of tackling my lust. I still want my enjoyments and to be kodesh at the same time. (Kind of like bilam. The bali musser say Bilam hut gevult lieben vi a ferd un shtarbin azu vi yakov avenu,)

My thought is perhaps what I started a month ago. Just read and work on 12 steps. Work on steps 4-6 even though I have no clue why and how it helps and even though I have no desire to stop lusting. Who knows. It can't be worse than time spent fliritng with shiktzas!

Re: Solutions for Tonight 18 Feb 2016 21:58 #278366

cordnoy
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WD, I wish you only hatzlachah and brachah in recovery and figurin' things out.
I see others offer advice, provide suggestions and disagree with some of your assertions or beliefs. I will not do that.
I do, however, have a question for you: what have you learned about yourself (and not necessarily regardin' lust) since joining GYE?
Thank you and hatzlachah

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Re: Solutions for Tonight 18 Feb 2016 23:58 #278378

waydown
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Cords you ask a tough and meaningful question. It will require thought and a full response is needed.

For starters I am to into satisfying myself. I should state that when it comes to others I try to give up on myself. For example when eating supper and my kids hang on me that they want my food, i will give them my dinner despite my wife's protests that they just ate. But then I may buy or sneak something else from the pantry. I hate going hungry. Or while in the process of masturbating I will get up and stop to help with my crying babies. But I'll go back to doing what I was doing when done helping. And so I am one that seeks lots of self gratification. Its way more than I should. And its not a healthy lifestyle.

There are more pointers to be made but that is #1 for starters.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 19 Feb 2016 00:01 #278379

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	Ok #2 I am stubborn. To be honest without getting into details both my upbringing and my career choice has forced be to stick with a "don't give up" and fight for what I want altitude. There are some postives to that and it has helped me to succeed with life tremendously in many areas. But I can see it have down sides as well. Gotto run now but I hope it starts a nice & healthy conversation.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 19 Feb 2016 00:17 #278381

cordnoy
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Somethin' we read yesterday:

Our self-obsession takes different forms, from one in plain view to the covered, where it is disguised under passivity and the appearance of gentleness or pseudo-concern. The greater the self-obsession, the greater the con to disguise it. It prevents us from detecting the emerging flaws that later will turn into cracks and disastrous fissures in the reservoir of the self. And self-obsession inevitably produces spiritual blindness. To keep from seeing ourselves, we seize on the wrongs of others.

Most difficult for us to see was that being obsessed with self meant we had become the Source of our own livesour own god. We were the most important person in our world. Thus, we had to connect with ourselves; we became addicted to ourselves. No wonder so many of us found masturbation to be infinitely more than childhood experimentation. It got us high on ourselves, short-circuiting any meaningful connection with others and God.

In our great and lofty pursuits of "finding" our lives we shut out the possibility of ever receiving life.

My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads: Mikvah Night - Page 1, Page 2, Page 3, Last Page

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/210029-Tryin

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Re: Solutions for Tonight 19 Feb 2016 01:16 #278395

Workingguy
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waydown wrote on 18 Feb 2016 21:30:

Waydown,

Thanks for the compliment; I really do appreciate it. I can relate based on my experiences; of course, not all are the same, but I've been through my own thought process, and some of what you write are things that I've thought along the way (and it's a long way....)

It is possible that it is an addiction like smoking, but that's making an assumption that the addiction of smoking is different in being more rational and not needing an underlying cause. Can all addictions just be b/c they're "geshmak"? Maybe, but I'll tell you how I cam to understanding that they're not. I do want to add what Cordnoy wrote- I'm not telling you what to believe, just what I've learned for me on the way.

So I used to wonder how come EVERY SINGLE PERSON with internet access isn't addicted to porn. I mean, it's so super enjoyable, so how can they not be? And why would any teenager try to get help for such an issue? And then I found out that not everyone is addicted, and that many try to get help and get out of it the second that they fall into it.

And then I spoke to my therapist (and read a book called "In the realm of hungry ghosts" about addiction) and read up a lot, and discovered a few things that made sense to me. Addiction experts believe this, twelve steppers believe this, and I've learned it for myself to. Addiction is where we go when life is unmanageable in one way or the other, or because we're restless, irritable, or discontent.

Who says? Maybe it's just fun? So the answer to that in MANY cases is that- how can we explain that we would risk our life, health, marriage, or kids or standing in the community for fun? Is it worth it from a cost benefit analysis?

None of us would go bungee jumping even if we loved it if the stats were highly against us. But addiction somehow seems different- every addict knows that there's a good shot that something pretty terrible is going to happen, and they continue. How do we explain that? Without answering the question, the one thing that comes out clear is that FUN or geshmak would NOT explain it.

Once I realized that, and when my wife's friend discovered her husband and I still didn't stop and KNEW that it was inevitable that I would be in the same boat, I realized that it's not about fun, or anything like that, and that it has to be coming from somewhere else.

But that was for me, and of course, I can't speak for how you experience it. I guess in the end I'd echo Cordnoy about trying to learn from your own experiences as much as anything else.

Keep on posting; you're causing great introspection for many of us, and it looks like for yourself as well. Talk to you soon.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 21 Feb 2016 17:59 #278609

waydown
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Working guy,

But thats why smoking is such a good analogy. Because why we would we risk our lives and risk dying young because we enjoy smoking? The answer is because nobody really thinks it will happen to them. yes we won't go bonji jumping because its not like we feel we are missing something when we don't have the enjoyment. But when we don't smoke or masturbate we do feel we are missing something. Our bodies feel it.
Personally, I have nothing in my life unmanagable. i have tired to think through that many times. In my case its simply gehsmak to release myself. I don't deny that there are people who may feel different but in my case that is just not true. I never did a statistical study to know that in "MANY" cases this is why we act out. I'll trust you on that one. But it ain't why I act out. I simple act out because I love indulging myself and I hate not getting what I want.
Oh and by the way kind of what limits my flare ups and avoidence from having extra martiatl affairs including what holds me back most from my online actvities is the risk of loosing my marriage and kids. But from simply masturbating I don't risk anything. No-one ever got divorced from just masturbation problems. And so in my crazy mind I say Ok as long as I limit my activites to mere masturbation or thoughts I don't risk any danger to my life. So why not get the enjoyment. Of course its wrong in many ways. But I am trying to explain why your rationale is not really relevant in my case.

I don't wonder why everyone with internet access is not addicted to porn. We all have cigareete access yet we are not all addicitied to cigareets.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 21 Feb 2016 18:04 #278611

waydown
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Wow cords I always have a hard time deciphering the white book mumble jumbo.

One thing i can say for myself is that I do not think in any stretch of the imagnination that I am the most important person in the world. I just love taking care of my needs despite the fact that I am probably the "LEAST" important person. its not a stira at all. I also try not to let it short circut making meaningful connections with others. maybe I am the only one like this.. But its just me. My kids and family always come before my lust. Yes indirectly (IE taking longer to finish up work bec of lust) family could get hurt. But when it has a direct affect the wife and family comes first.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 21 Feb 2016 18:10 #278612

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8282 Karma: 427	Reb waydown, we we are here trying to help ~~fuel~~ our lust issues After all the discussions, could you share How is your porning doing compared to a year ago? How is masturbation doing compared to 6 months ago?
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story Last Edit: 21 Feb 2016 18:20 by Markz.

Re: Solutions for Tonight 21 Feb 2016 19:28 #278625

waydown OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 670 Karma: 7	Porn is much much better although not perfect Masturbation little better but needs a lot of improvemment still

Re: Solutions for Tonight 21 Feb 2016 19:41 #278626

Markz OFFLINE Platinum Boarder Posts: 8282 Karma: 427	waydown wrote on 21 Feb 2016 19:28: Porn is much much better although not perfect Masturbation little better but needs a lot of improvemment still Care to share with all of us - how did you get Porn under control
	My Story---------Dov Quotes *FREE LUST TRUCK TOWING* *Click HERE to checkout;* • 100 Day Success Stories: cordnoy, Dov, Gevura and more... • Awesome Threads Saved for You • Cast Your Vote ➣ GYE Plenty Solutions ➣ The Mark of Torah - Lust Chizuk ➣ Nice Trucking Story