Ok so here is the deal. I have joined GYE about 6 weeks ago. My past month has not been so great. (Its almost like since I joined GYE the yetzer hara is working stronger He is way too smart.) I was a little better for a small while but it died out quickly. And in fact I have fantasized about commiting stronger and worse averious.

This past shabbos I kind of got a nice awakening call unfortunately. I have a divorced family member who was formely married. She got divorced because although she went along with lots of their sins she had her limits and refused to go all the way. He wanted to do everything so he decided he needs his "freedom" and wanted a divorce. The stories she said over were a total shock how far and unsetteling people can go. And of course my wife was like in total awe that yiddisha neshomos can stoop so low. I, on the other hand, am thinikng to myself hey am I so differnet. True I never did any of the chayuiv messiahs beis din (zenus) stuff straight out. But I dream about it all day. And lately I have dreamed more and more about frum women too.If I had the opportunity would I be so differnet. And my wife was even suprised about sexting, phone stuff etc.. (I have done some of that.) Do I want to live that unsettling life where I have "freedom" but no family? Where I can chase after my desires when I want? Its scary but no of course I don't. If not for jewish reasons I love my wife and kids too much. Yet I fantasize about it. I should point out, that I don't look down at these fellows. You know why, because they are just practicing what I dream about. They have an addiction just like I do. Bottom line I feel like I must take action because I am scared of what running after my tavious can bring and wreck havoc to my life.

Issue #2, while life is somewhat manageable on the outside, it would be alot better without my addiction. I have a high stressful job and often take coffee breaks to alleviate the stress. Thats all very nice. But lately I have been answering myself by saying lets do a little fliritng during those breaks. The problem is those breaks are becoming more frequent and too long as the addiction rises. There is no shortage of kosher breaks. I don't need to resort to this filth. Again taking control would enable me to succeed better at work.

Bottom line, I'd like to work on myself this elul. I know (some of which I learned form GYE) that unless I tackle the root of the problem which is my addiction, my J/O and M'Z problems I won't succeed. Right now, its a real addiction doing it on avreage twice a day. I would like to go a whole elul with no more masterbating and of course no porn or flirting. Now I do realize that one who is sick has flare ups. I don't expect this to be an easy ride. I expect to slip a few times this elul. But the key should be 1) Thats its a slip 2) its only a few times. Some of you may say oh no if you slip a few times you haven't kicked your addiction and you won't succeed. To that I answer, you are right of course I need the 90 day free thing. But 1) if I even do one less averio or even hold back for one hour in terms of judiasm I accomplished alot in hashems eyes. My elul would be better already. 2) In terms of the addiction, I need to tell myself that I can. Right now all I know is that shabbos and yom tov I can hold myself back (Yes for some reason, I have fought a bttle a while back not to do it shabbos & yom tov and I have a 95% sucess rate. pretty good for an addict). I want to be able to look at myself and say Hey if you can do this for a week or even two weeks then I can do it for a month etc.. Even if I don't kick the addiction this ellul I will kick it eventually. But only if I see it off to a nice start.3) Maybe I will get some syita dshima and will be able to withhold for the whole ellul. Who knows.

Ok so now to my main point and sorry for the legnthly discussion. My hardest time is at nite while in bed. I tend to fall asleep via M"Z. And if I wake up in middle of the nite its the same. Last nite I tried telling mysekf ellul no M"Z. In order not to fall I decided to read something kosher before sleeping (rather than fooling around on the internet). It was little hard in bed and I eventually feel asleep. But I woke up a few minutes later twisitng and turning and eventually sinned.(No i am not sad about it. Because i think hashem was very happy with the fact that I pushed it off and didn't do like always just sinning right away. I also know that an addiction won't be kicked in one day) I need help and startigies how to kick my night time habits.

One last note I know I wrote alot of details, I am not really looking to open a debate on any of my above pointers. Right now I am looking for bed time stratigies and maybe some other chizuk pointers.

Thanks guys.

Wow thanks for writing that last sentence, you saved me from an hour long response at a minimum! I hope you have a lot of success this ELUL for your wife's sake. It must be miserable being married to a guy who isn't fully there for her. It makes me think how disgusting I was to my wife all the years of my selfish behaviors. I'm glad I can be much more present and there for her and for kids, instead of the selfish self-seeking jerk that I was. Of course I couldn't see that while I was still acting out, since I thought I was a great father and husband, but it's abundantly clear now.

Thanks I should point though while yes I should be there more for my wife. I am there alot more than other dads. Despite my addiction I am there quite often for my kids. And I don't think its more selfish than an additcion. In fact I see many husbands sleep shabbos afternoon while I watch the kids so my wife can rest. I think its disinegnious to call myself "selfish") But yes its really never enough. Todays women are way overworked and if I can be there even one minute more yes its a help. So I guess I totally agree with your main point but would probably word it slightly differnet. Its more my job thats being affected from it.

Now How do I tackle this? I need some simple concrete steps. Yes the handbook and 12 step process is all useful. And I pan and go thru it cover to cover (Although the basics which is add more filters is not applicable since I have a work computer with no admin rights) But does anyone have a two sentence starter for me? Any bed time tips?

work a program before you even get to bed.

work a program? Can anyone help me work a program?

I know step 1 change my nightly habits. Normally after coming home for shul I browse the internet. Sometimes its GYE but often its shmutz. So thats a no no. From now on no more logging on when I come home from shul. Even if I just need to go to amazon that will have to wait. Or even better I just want to see the latest comment on GYE! No the yetzer hara gets me there too. So not internet at all.Instead I will read a book or magazine so that hopefully that somewhat sooths me and makes me tired.

What else can be done? (Just a reminder you are talking to someone who has it engraned that J/O is what puts me to sleep. Its not like its infrequent. It makes it so much harder.)

"Of course I couldn't see that while I was still acting out, since I thought I was a great father and husband, but it's abundantly clear now."

During every break call your wife and other people on your family. Focus on them.

Well we agree its abuduntly clear that I would be a better father. I just don't like that term selfish. To me that defines a person. I am even now not any more selfish theb the dad who sleeps all shabbos afternoon. But like I say its a very small subtle point. Because at the end of the day I agree that I would defintely be a better father so who cares what I want to call it.

"When we retire at night, we constructively review
our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or
afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something
to ourselves which should be discussed with
another person at once? Were we kind and loving
toward all? What could we have done better? Were
we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were
we thinking of what we could do for others, of
what we could pack into the stream of life? But we
must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or
morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness
to others. After making our review we ask God’s
forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures
should be taken.
On awakening let us think about the twenty-four
hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before
we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking,
especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity,
dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions
we can employ our mental faculties with assurance,
for after all God gave us brains to use. Our
thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane
when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. "

AA

One basic idea that makes a huge difference for me is a simple rule I have:

My phone does not come into my room at night

For me this is important on many levels

1) It makes a huge difference when it comes to the issues at focus
2) Phones (and other digital items) make it harder to fall asleep for a number of reasons
3) I end up reading and/or learning in bed quite a bit (I don't sleep well, so I often have plenty of time)

Thanks the only thing is I go to sleep later than my wife so I can't mamesh read in bed. I have to read on the couch then go upstairs. That does make it a drop harder.

Also I should add that I will posting my ups& downs throughout elul as it defintely helps.

waydown wrote:


How about a kabala for Elul(or just for today) to go to sleep the same time as your wife? It did wonders for me and my marriage.

How about deciding not to use "I can't" or "I have to" language for a week and see if it helps you? Just a suggestion...
Wishing you much Hatzlacha

neshamaincharge wrote:


That last suggestion is gold!

Its a nice idea but due to the kids my wife goes to sleep when i go out to learn at about 9:00. I can't go to sleep when she does or I won't learn anything. I first come home from work at 8.