Thanks cordnoy, trying not to give to many details away while still conveying my emotions. Haven't done a fourth in a really long time. get sorta freaked out sometimes by the rigidity of the whole thing with graphs and columns and stuff, maybe you could just explain how to do it in simple basic english terms i just need to keep it simple.

just to get current again, i didn't do half the things i said i'd do. did journal about the whole thing but i feel myself brushing a lot of it under the ubiquitous rug which doesn't help especially in recovery. I was busy today did take care of a lot of things so i wont beat myself up for not being perfect. right now just want to focus on what i need to do today, I did accidentally say something hurtful to someone today, totally didnt mean it just came out bad but i saw that it hurt him, not sure how to apologize because he's a very chashuva distinguished person and I'm scared that if i apologize he"ll get upset at me for thinking that i hurt him OR maybe i just need a kick in the pants:blush: just wanted to get current and out of isolation need to really get to bed.

also celebrating day 14 today which hasn't happened since a year ago, want to just focus on one day at a time just for today Aug. 23rd. Again, thanks guys for listening, & TFLMS!

Congrats!
Keep it up.

It is hard to simplify a step 4, but it seems you have issues with people, so you need to fix that.

What did they do to you?
How did that affect you? (Pride, Ego, Shame, etc.)
Where were you at fault?
What could you have done different?
How can you rectify the situation?

b'hatzlachah

cordnoy


who here doesn't? I have a funny feeling no one's here because their personal relationships are perfect, & they just have an annoying p*** habit

humble wrote:


I don't know one way or the other, but that is why I suggested step 4 for you in particular.

ya i know i know, everyone has their own journey/struggle just because mine is primarily emotional/relationship based doesn't make me any worse or different than the guy sitting next to me. one of my defects/personality traits is constantly judging myself against others, always want to fit in, people pleaser etc. either way cordnoy i didn't mean to jump on you just felt like i was being singled out. I apologize how it came across.

and now to get current. thank You G-D for keeping me sober for today, haven't posted and gotten current in a while, feel like I've been white knuckling it, one of my things is that I'm not great at taking care of myself like I'll run myself ragged before asking for help and by than the stress and tension and just the physical pressure gets to be to much. I want to start taking care of myself. i can't runaround and do everything for everyone. I want to let go and i give it over to you G-d i cant do everything i cannot control results i cannot control people and their decisions or responses. G-d i turn my life over to you all of it. this may give away my anonymity put there's an old timer in SA named harvey and I was at a meeting he lead once and he got up stretched out his hand and squeezed his fist closed as hard as he could & he said this is what I feel like when I'm trying to control things, then he turned over his hand and opened his palm up real slow and said that's what i feel like when i let go & let G-d. I always think about that when i let go sometimes I'll just stand with my palms wide open for a while and actually FEEL myself letting go.

anyway I'm gonna be on the road doing a lot of driving for the next few days i ask G-d to please keep me one day one hour at a time help me put my health and sobriety before all else, help me take care of myself. have a great night guys hope everyone's doing well, again thanks for letting me share!!

No offense taken.

Safe travels.

B'hatzlachah.

ok just to update and get current. i had a fall yesterday first time in 19 days really not happy about it, guess i wish i was perfect. I'm sad over the loss also I am currently dating and a big motivator was to stay sober for the other people in my life, feel like i let them down let myself down. I did things in the past 2 days that don't fit with the person i would like to be or the person i portray myself as. worried that my issue may effect my dating/married life. a lot of fear sadness disappointment..... I dont want to keep running from my life. i ask you hashem to please help me accept myself for who i am. i slipped it happens i'm not going to be perfect help me get back on the wagon without overly obsessing about what could've been etc etc.

basically i drove 1000 miles on very little sleep and that can wear u down. got back home feeling really stressed went to bed woke up an hour later feeling really triggered and and before you know it i was struggling not to act out, went back and forth for a while eventually succumbed and here i am 24 hours later picking up the pieces. In the future i need to take better care of myself physically especially in early recovery and also to stay in touch with people to let them know that I'm going to be going through a difficult time and to stay in touch. Thats all i got just want to remember that i didnt become a different person just because i acted out I'm still the same guy that was sober for 19 days the essence of who i am has not changed just need to keep doing what works and therefore today friday the 28th we begin the next 19 days (and more) one day at a time. thanks for letting me share! have a great shabbos everyone.

Welcome back.

Humble,
That's some great attitudes you have. You should be zoiche to consolidate them and really believe and live them.
I heard a vort from the Sfas Emes parshas Ki Seitzei. The passuk days toiv me'at letzadik meihamon resha'im rabbim. He interprets it as follows: The yetzer hara (aka the rasha of the passuk) tells us to see all the bad things that we do. However, the yetzer hatov (aka the tzadik referenced in the passuk) wants us to focus on the little good that we do, to be maarich it.
Rav Nachman says the same idea at greater length in his famous toirah 282.
So, value the good that you do. The yetzer hatov wants you to value it.
And Reb shalom arush writes on p144 in The Garden of Wisdom: A lack of happiness is an indication of arrogance and heresy. So what if we think we can or should do better? In the meanwhile, we should be happy with whatever we have achieved, knowin that this is what Hahem wants.

ok guys long time no speak, Thanks for the welcome back and the chizuk definitely need to focus on the good that I've done. basically I started my count again last Friday but i wasnt really conscious about it i figured i would just take it as it comes and that doesn't work for me with my acting out, life as usual caught up with me and I acted out again on tue i felt like i was just running through my life hoping that all my problems or the things that were bothering me would just go away and that surprisingly didn't happen. A big part of my program is the ability to stay conscious in situations and not run (ayin living consciously by nathaniel branden) and part of that means juornaling and posting on the forum. so I guess I'm happy to be back just want to focus today on living in the moment doing what i can just for today which is a very powerful message for me, there is so much uncertainty/things that i need to take care of in my future but i cant do that today all I can do today is take care of what i need for now just for today to live in the moment. even thought its 630 and most of the day is gone there are still things that i can take care of for today. that's my ramblings for the day again Thanks for letting me share guys!

ok just wanted to get centered again. Thank you G-d for helping me have a good sober day, for helping me take a nap and focus on my own body/needs and not be so concernd=ed about other people. this is one of my defects i try to make everyone happy in a way its a good thing bec I'm concered about others but when i neglect my own feelings again and again for others peoples it becomes problomatic, basic assertiveness training needed. also part of my people pleasing personality. either way I accept who i am I actually love who I am as a person. Had some difficult conversations with some friends that have been abusive in the past BH was able to be a lot more assertive although after a 30 min conversation i started to get worn down, always room for improvement.

going to take care of myself by going to sleep now, again thank you G-d for helping me stay sober today please help me one day at a time one situation at a time i let go of my life and give it to YOU. YOU can have all of it. have a great rocking amazing night guys and Thanks for letting me share!

again just want to get current had a long hard day today. Thank you G-d for keeping me sober without giving away to many details many times in my life i doubt myself and the path Ive chosen I'm very susceptible to what other people say or think. I've been going through some of that lately feel like my way in life is under attack and I need to take a step back and realize two things 1) just bec everyone else seems to believe in one specific way of doing things doesn't mean that I'm wrong 2) just because I'm not wrong doesn't mean they dont also have a point. there are things for me to learn from everyone while not entirely giving up on what i believe to work for me. hope that makes sense.

just wanted to thank G-d for keeping me sober today one day at a time, thank you for helping me have a nice pleasant day, couldve gone wrong in so many ways but thankyou for helping it go well. have a important day tom please help me be there for me and help me put myself and my sobriety above all else, bec if I wont have a clean me, i will never be able to be there for others. thanks guys and thanks for letting me share!!!!

wishing all of you an amazingly great night

Thanks for sharing Humble.
You did pique my curiosity what it might be that you do that others don't approve of... Oh gosh, I'm so curious!
But please don't divulge it just to people-please me

just wanted to say hi again thank you G-d for helping me have a sober productive day, please help me journal later tonight about the specs of it but all in all took care of myself was proactive, did have some setbacks in the job searching area not gonna take it personal. something that hit me really hard today after my most recent job related setback i had this little voice pop up in my head that said "forget it just give up its not worth it throw in the towel not just in getting a job but in all areas of your life" its that little voice that pops up whenever i feel like things aren't going perfectly smooth I get that from time to time and today i fought back! no need to give up just because the going gets tough. just gonna try and learn from it and get right back to it tom.

have a great and wonderful night all you holy people! G-d bless and thanks for letting me share!!