Hi, im a 20 year old Yeshiva Bachur. I grew up in an environment and background where I was exposed to many things unwillingly and a very young age. As such, I have been struggling with these issues ever since I can remember. I might have even been 8 or 9 years old when i first became exposed to this. Throughout high school and my previous 2 years in Israel I have grown tremendously in my Avodat Hashem, but I have always had this problem. I have made fences and everything like that and have gone for long clean stretches at times but eventually I fall. I am starting to get frustrated for a few reasons. I recently have been clean for 8 months - the longest period in my life - and then I experienced a fall which just got me stuck in this cycle once again, which I have now been stuck in for about 3 weeks. Just today I finally viewed inappropriate material, which is rock bottom for me. I feel like this isn't fair. First of all, why is it fair that I was raised with my own room with open internet and so much exposure to shmutz and Sht"l from such a young age - before I even knew these things were wrong! It's as if I never even had a chance and this addictive behavior was just thrown onto me. I always imagine how it would've been had I been raised differently. Secondly, although I have been trying for almost a decade to break free, I just keep falling in! I'm starting to lose hope and motivation to try again. I have B"H many talents and can accomplish many good things, but I am constantly stunted by this behavior. I just want to be normal. I want to see women as people and not objects, and not automatically think of inappropriate things anytime something with women comes up. I want to be able to take a shower normally and not be terrified and anxious that something might happen. Will that day ever come? Is this something that will always be a part of me or can I ever become like those people who never got involved with this? If anyone could help, thanks

Oh yeah. Frustrated is such an appropriate word for the feelings that all of us have had.
Frustrated at the past. What cannot be changed. Terrible habits ingrained in us. Oh yes the frustration is so real we sense it.
Firstly, pay close attention to the Serenity prayer-
"G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."
What happened in your past You simply can't change - so stop beating yourself up. Also, you were a young tike then so you can't blame yourself when you were then so young.
As for your question about changing yourself you ask " Will that day ever come?" look around my friend and see the many guys working on themselves and helping others.
We have two groups 1)those with substantial days of sobriety(clean days).
2) those on the way
You have come on this forum with the experience of having had 8 months clean.
That's awesome. You can draw a lot of confidence from such a success.
Sure you fell and that's a real downer but focus on the fact you succeeded for so long.
That positive experience you have in your pocket.
Start thinking what you did right to accomplish that. As well, what you can now tweak that may prevent another fall.
Please stick around and post.

Oh, and most important - "Welcome, glad to have you"

Welcome,

Many have similar stories.
What 'fair' got to do with it, got to do with it, got to do with it?
We live in the present.
Build today upon your past.

What have been your recovery methods?

b'hatzlachah

Ok, so I am a 46 yo Baal Teshuva. Not so Frum, but I try.

You need to celebrate your accomplishments my Brother. Have you ever sat down and really contemplated the greatness of that 8 month stretch?

Take one day at a time,
Stay sober just for today,
Don't worry about tomorrow,

If your going to worry set aside a "worry time" of 15 minutes per day at the same time every day.

Your worry and obsession is going to bring on feelings of shame and guilt which will foster depression which will facilitate turning to the shmutz.

By the way, there is no such thing as "normal" my therapist taught me that along time ago.

Have a day of Happiness and Joy...be free for today!


Also:

I'm sober for TODAY...not tomorrow...not yesterday. If I slip...so what...I slip...no big deal...this is a lifetime marathon not a temporary race that can be "won" or "lost"

Pretty much the only way I can stay clean is when I am in Yeshiva in Israel. If i'm in America and not sheltered from the outside world it never lasts. The last fall was very sudden, and it wasn't even the result of seeing anything I wasn't supposed to, it was just a random and sudden attack from my taavot that kept me awake one night until 5 in the morning where I finally gave up. Ever since then I have been losing motivation. I believe if I try i can stay away from Pornography, as today was the first day in 8 months that i did it and while I'm in Yeshiva i won't have access to it. But the shz"l is an unavoidable problem which ends up leading to the former.

Also, for the next year I will be in Israel and I will not have access to internet except for being hazmanim in America. I was wondering if someone could offer some tips about how to stay active on GYE without internet (I have emails).

yes cordnoy -"fair" just a second hand emotion

yiraishamaim wrote:


Thanks
Big smile

But on the other hand....who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?

Taharenu wrote:


It seems you need a shelter. When you are in Israel in yeshiva, you are sheltered. When you are in America you aren't. You need to set up a shelter for America for when your here. It might be by having a sponsor with whom you can constantly discuss your issues and plan your sobriety. Or anything else that you know from your own experience that it works for you.

Hashivalisesonyishecho wrote:


In other words your shelter comes from inside yourself.You have to create your shelter for whenever or wherever you are. Dont rely on the outside to shelter you. Your life can not depend on that.

newaction wrote:


I didn't mean the shelter from within. The inside shelter must include being motivated to utilize outside things, such as being in yeshiva or having other people like a sponsor. There maybe a point eventually when you will be strong enough from within that you will no longer need anything else from the outside, or there may never be, I don't know. But certainly now you need to set up these tools.

Taharenu wrote:


Hashem has given you talents. Then he put you into the situation you are now in. A situation in which you have difficult nisoyon and a 10 year background of struggle with this. Then he said to you. "So let me see what you are going to do when I give you this challenge" This is what's meant by
תשב אנוש עד דכא ותאמר שובו בני אדם
and the gemara darshens
עד דכא - עד דכדוכה של נפש
Hashem places your soul down to the position of it's impoverishment and he say come back to me from there.

Embrace the challenge. Hashem gave it to you because that's the service he wants from you. With that you will make him a crown. Of his love to you he has given you the opportunity to make him this crown of glory. A crown that you need to struggle hard to make. Such is a crown which he cherishes.