Well, I come to you malay busha o chleemah. Guess where I went last night? A bar.

B"H, it was not as tumadik as it could have or has been in the past , but I feel a great sense of failure. I just need some chizuk.

B"H I did not relapse to the full depths of some of my more horrible behavior...I avoided any distinct physical contact with women, I ate "vegetarian" having a tuna sandwich at a restaurant (is this better than bacon cheeseburger, I guess) that I know uses kosher bread.

Let me also mention that for two days before this I did hashtas zera levatala without any visual aids, but last night went on my smartphone (I know, I know) and did it again.

I am going to try an look at the bright side here...I was able to control myself for almost a full month, and that is great. And when I found myself in this tumahdik environment, I was able to control myself a little more than in the past and did not engage in dangerous or truly unseemly activities with nashim. Don't get me wrong, what I engaged in was bad enough, I make no bones about it, just not as low as I have gone in the past.

The Y"H led me around by the nose last night, like an animal on a leash. I am not an animal, I am a man with free will, darnit!!!!!!! I could have and should have fought it. There was eve na kosher social event at my shul that I SHOULD have gone to and could have avoided this completely. But NOOOOO, I have to be led like a lamb to slaughter, to the tavern. So weak.

Okay, I have got to buck up and get back on track to another 30 days at least.

So, I guess that is better.

So, chevray, what is the best thing to do after a relapse of this sort? And falling off the wagon as far as hashtas zera?

Hey, I lasted a month, shouldn't I be happy about that?

Need some chizuk and help getting back on track.

ataglance12345 wrote:


I am addicted to lust in many of its varied irresistible forms.
Addicted, by definition, means I cannot control it. Meaning I cannot control myself once I start lusting.

My only hope, therefore, is not to lust. Not to take that first sip. To avoid it as completely as is feasible. Because once I take a sniff of it, it "leads me around by the nose."

This means I can't take that first look. It means I can't afford to entertain those intoxicating thoughts.

Because if I'm doing these things, I'm not really even on the wagon.

Just realized it has been well over a month since I last went to a bar, per the prior post. I am pretty psyched!


B"H I had a very positive experience last night. I was in a situation where it would have been perfect for me to go to a tavern and engage in my negative behaviors. I was really really having a hrad time fighting the urge. So I went on GYE, and put out a message to ask for strength for this specific urgent situation. Instead, I ended up reading my earlier posts and said to myself...do I want to go through this again???? I could not believe what I had written the "day after". So B"H, I got in my car, and went home. Went to Mincha Maariv came home and went to bed shortly after. No waking up full of tumah and guilt. A samll victory, but a good one.

I did notice something very intersting, though. I did not go home and have a drink, or even crave one. What I was craving was teh experience of going out to a bar, and all the schmutz that it entails. This tells me that this is not a substance issue, but an emotional issue completely. And I will be very honest, I missed not going out, I craved it terribly and felt like I was missing out on something by not going out to a bar. I was missing out, but taht is for the good. So, B"H since Rosh Chodesh Elul I have not gone out to a tavern, period. I hope with Hashem's help, that I can stay out for all of Elul, and for the Aseress Yamei Teshuvah, and G-d willing through Simchas Torah. I thanked Hashem profusely last night for giving me the tools to fight my Yetzer Hora. I can daven as much as I like to aks Hashem to REMOVE my Yester Hora but that will neve happen. What I need to daven for is hte strength and tools to FIGHT my Yetzer Hora. So, to sum up, GYE was a tremendous help last night, if only that I read my past posts and did not want to go there again. Is there some sort of "hotline" though that we can call when we feel we are going ot go over the edge...I could have used some support last night, but in reality, I got plenty of support by reading the posts from some very caring and truly concerend people so Yasher Koach to you all.

Awesome stuff!
Yasher koach for not escaping to the world of the tavern.
Today will present its new challenges.
The Y"H will always try a new angle.

One right decision at a time.

Keep on moving in a positive direction!

ataglance12345 wrote:


Great news !
Keep it up.

I'll drink to that.