The first thing, and the maybe the most important thing is for us to discover Acceptance.
Step one:Acceptance
Suppose you had a brilliant student in your class.This guy aced every single test he took. One day he gets back an exam, takes a look at it, and his face turns white.You hear him mumbling to himself "I should've just reviewed one more time".You lean over to see his test paper.
The guy got a 98.
Now you go through your whole day, helping people out, davening, learning, talking to people, and at the end of the you come home and are nicshal in motzi zera levatala.You say to yourself "I am a worthless loser who is not good for anything."
An exaggeration? Or perfectionism?
Whatever it is, this person obviously has low self-esteem. Why else does he not forgive himself for failures?He's trying to make is so that according to everyone's standards, he is awesome.
Will this person ever be happy?
What this guy needs is to accept himself.He needs to stop demanding from himself perfection, and stop beating himself when he fails to be perfect.
The number one most heard self-assessment on this forum is "I hate myself." In close second is "I am worthless." Is it coincedence that so many on this forum feel this way? Or is this the reason that all these people are on the forum?
People often speak about "comfort". Of course you don't feel comfort! If you demand from yourself to live up to the world's expectations and your own crazy expectations, how can you possibly feel comfortable with yourself ever?!
Those who will say "I don't feel this way.I am not over-demanding of myself.I am not a perfectionist."
Let me ask you this:
Sit in your uncomfortability for one moment and ask yourself:Why are you uncomfortable?If you were sitting with someone else, would you still be this uncomfortable?
Don't you wish you were somebody else?
This is one of the great benefits of groups and forums.
People understand exactly where the other person is coming from and accept him/her for who they are, regardless of their struggles, if not because of their struggles.
Also, just know that it was decided in shamayim that you were to be a sex addict.
WHAT??
Yea.
Whatever the reason, you were basically forced into this situation.
Losing security at a very young age must lead to looking for a comfort.
It all might have happened subconciously and you might not see the developement of the addiction, but these things don't "just happen". The need for lust/love comes from a very deep place of insecurity that doesn't just start when you get older. Most have found this addiction to have started from a very early age.So,what do you expect to have happened??
But now you are older and are aware of how this part of your developed till now, and now it is your turn to do something about it.
But first,understand this fact.And accept it.
This is not your fault.
This is not a cop-out.
You didn't create your insecurity.
It was not your job to build your security.
But now it is.
Andthe first thing is acceptance.
This is where I'm at now.
I am insecure.
And that's okay.
Because of that insecurity, I am not able to see the whole picture of who I am.
But do I really think there is nothing there?
My friend, let me tell you:
There is gold in you.
G-d created you.
And He creates gold.
Just that you were frightened into not using it.
You're afraid of expression because you are afraid of failure.
You are afraid of how you will react to failure.
You are afraid of how the whole world will react to your failures.
There are many solid neshamos on this forum with alot of potential.
This has nothing to do with having a weak personality.
This is alot to be put up against.
But Hashem doesn't put us in a nisayon that we can't deal with.
Let's just understand and be sensitive to what we are dealing with.
Acceptance.
So for today's homework...
1)See how much the people on this forum love you and accept you.It is not for nothing.
2)See the gold in other people on the forum. This exists within you, too.
2)Understand that events outside of your control led you to this place of insecurity and that really, with some security, you will uncover gold.
-Uri
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