Stepping Up and Focussing
In understanding our lives we need direction. A common misnomer with regards to Tefillin is that we are somehow binding our actions and thoughts to Hashem. Wrong. Tefillin is a sense of direction and focus. Tefillin reminds us to direct our thoughts towards Hashem. Tefillin remind us to direct our actions towards Hashem. Tefillin creates a focus. The Halacha is, that one must keep in mind that one is wearing Tefillin at all times that it is on. Hesech HaDaas is a problem because we lose focus. If we can stay focused we can keep our Tefillin on and keep that Direction. The challenge, not the problem, in our times is to focus even when they are not on.
When I lost focus of what my goals in life were is when I fell for my Y”H. The menuval even almost got me today. This morning I left learning a little early because I went on a bit of a dairy binge yesterday and I’m still kind of paying for it. With my laptop at work, well protected with K9 Security, I remembered my wife’s mac was under her bed, unprotected. I wanted to check my e-mail. So I did. I laid there and remembered suddenly that it wasn’t protected. Then the turmoil began. I got tense, anxious, and quite uncomfortable. That which I’d been successful running from for so long. I typed in the url of something inappropriate. But Chasdei Hashem I caught myself and hit ESC before it was too late stopping any pictures from loading.
What keeps me focused is that I have accomplish and that I want to accomplish. I want to use my energy for positive things.
As a BT I believe, at least for myself, that I have to live up to higher standards. While unfortunately, I’ve been a victim of the “P” word, I’ve also been a victim of TV. In fact now that you can watch TV streaming on the net it was much easier to rationalize watching it. I can turn it off. Split up my need for a break. And research what a “clean” video or show is. Unfortunately it doesn’t quite exist. My wife and I are fans are of a television called ***** .(don't want anyone to get ideas) The general subject matter is fairly good but loaded with sexual tension between the characters. I don’t believe that it has affected me but I’m forced to believe that in ruchniyus it has. This is why I’m going to stop (bli neder – b/c it still can be good for Shalom Bayis to cuddle watching something relatively clean). And though I see the rationalizations I’m making, I’ve come to realize that which is problematic but not directly dangerous – can’t be starved on the spot but must be weaned away.
The challenge we all face is NORMAL! We have to remember that. It is a form of entertainment, but a despicable one – we just need a Kosher alternate. This is a normal thing, yet, it is disgusting. It must be channeled and controlled.
