so anyway... i am being yelled at and all i can hear is THAT VOICE and see that angry angry miserable face.  Yeah so i was definitely a jerk,  not being kind or gentle with my comments, just putting her down because does things very differently.

ok I'm now wishing I was somewhere else instead of in this house.  Then i see her ......this image of perfection -  totally beautiful, gentle, kind, sweet face.  Not p0rn not even slightly?  But a nice face, obviously a good person who would be a wonderful partner, a wonderful mother. 

Back to the yelling and anger. She is very VERY VERY bitter with me.  Who wouldn;t be?!!  She is lonely, isolated, friend-less, downtrodden and weak.  And I hate the weakness!!  It drives me crazy!!!

And of course the pretty girl is still there.  Amazing.  Completely not judging me.  gentle, almost smiling face. Young, fresh.  All I gotta do is go to her and be with her.  No big deal, no one gets hurt.

Anyway this is as far as I get thank you Hashem.  day 11.  Please make me a better husband for my wife.

This may not be easy, but don't yell back.  It's only a fight if you're both participating.  And, keep trying to implement the ideas found in The Garden of Peace.

5770,

there is nothing else...the  kind young girl is just in your head; shes an algorithim of 0s and 1s...heres the thing: we have addictions to filll voids, rights? the addicition can be anything that you have control over...for a reaon i dont know, we picked pr0n...coulda been anything else, right? the question is, do we continue to live in the matrix we've created or do we want to live? sure, sometimes life aint right and the hole we've dug looks so much more appealing but ultimately, if we do choose life, we can change life for the better...if we choose the matrix, we're just wasting away....

keep fighting

ratm

A Good Woman
by Carol Naumann


One you should treasure, but not as a possession,
Who needs to be loved, not treated with aggression.
Her value is more than all the world's treasures,
Not just the sum of scale's unit measures.
She should always be built up, not torn down,
By all the words you speak, when she is around.
She needs to be hugged and not pushed away,
Especially when you both having a really bad day.
Words spoken to her in haste and anger,
Can place her fragile heart in danger.
She should be admired for her boundless love,
And looked upon as a true gift from Above.
Not used as a target for all your frustration,
But held close and kissed with loving admiration.
You should always appreciate her commitment to you,
And not take for granted what she's given up for you!
Kiss her and love her all that you possibly can,
And don't be embarrassed to be seen holding her hand.
Treasure each day as if it were the last,
And at the end of your life you won't be regretting your past



5770-

your loving wife is in there inside her

start looking for her

for real

the day i started fighting(against the yetzer) to appreciate my wife and understand her pain ,is the day my real relationship w/ my wife started . i started loving her as a person and not an object . we talked for the sake of talking not just so i could get sex. we actually started becoming friends and enjoying each others company.  and i was able to over look  a lot of faults i saw b/c i saw my own and relized shes human too . not perfect, i came home in a horrid mood yesterday but we worked it out ,all the while a was saying to her , i'm not angry at you i'm just grumpy . but she was ok b/c she knows i love her and appreciate her. it's hard work to find the good lady inside your wife ,and she may not be the one you thought you  married, but it's well worth it 

ouchhhh!!!

every word

emes!!

i once heard from a rav who is huge in shalom bayis

the reason critisism hurts..is because she is right..if she was wrong hey big deal

always listen to the wise words of bardichev

but especially when he goes into small caps

the pinimius shines out

Reb B.,

Was that Rab the other Reb B.? Hmmmmm? just wondering!

RATM, you're a lot smarter and deeper than I realized! Where did you learn these yesodos? Like about "control"... that's not something discussed much on our website, but very much a part of the addiction. It really all boils down to the need to feel "in control"... It's trust issues. When we learn to trust in ourselves, in the world around us, and in Hashem, we can step back and just "watch" our life, and not need to "control" it - or anyone else...

EL YESS IT WAS

AND YOU KNOW WHEN HE SAYS IT IT HURTS!!!!!

Yup! as we say "The Truth Hoits!"

Yes Kedusha! HOITS! as in hurts but I meant Hoits not Hurts.

Hoits! Hoits! Hoits! lol

I wish I can explain what 5770 is saying..

Here goes
We are torn to pieces
Lusting aDdicted
Call it what you want

The one who suffers the most is the wife

Why do I say that?
For she is real she is a person she has needs and she is trying to balance a home a husband a family maybe a career too

What is she competing with a virtual doll that performs and needs nothing in return

Not love not care not even a thank you
No she will never need a last minute errand or to buy her tums in middle of the night she has no needs just performs

Hey we are blind
We are deaf
We are cripples
Handicapped by the illusion of happiness

We can learn how to live
To give
To cherish what we have
To comPliment
And accept
To forgive and forget
To see only the tomorrows

Humble and happy
  bardichev 

Here is an idea I heard before I got married and it worked quit well when used.

The main problem by a discussion is that each side knows only what they are saying without understanding the other side.

What I do is, I ask my wife to explain what I say and I do the same.

Once we are all clear what each one feels and thinks it’s usually easy to find the solution.

I wonder if it could help our warriors if they could get their wives to explain their struggles.

G38 wrote on 22 Oct 2009 11:19:


I believe that's called "active listening."  Great idea!

Kedusha wrote on 22 Oct 2009 11:25:


There is an even an higher level of listening called "empathic listening" where not only we can repeat back what the other is actually saying, rather we can present their "side" even better then they could.

For a more detailed discussion on these comunication concepts, see professor covey's book "7 habits of highly effective people", the habit is called "first seek to understand, then to be understood"

In my humble experience, like all worthwhile endeavors, this highly skilled form of listening, takes work and practice to develop, and is  easier said then done, but it is well worth it!

Professor Noorah