I am a bachur of 22. I currently live at home. I started looking at pornography and masturbating from the time I was 13. In my house, there is internet which is filtered, but I've been able to access bad things sometimes, with difficulty. There are also some random non-Jewish publications which have immodest pictures of women, which I sometimes look at when I masturbate. I do this either when I can't access the shmutz online, or when I want to feel that I have not done as bad an aveirah as looking at actual pornography online.
I've tried many times to stop, but I've never been fully successful. I've thought, until recently, that masturbating is simply something which has no solution to stop doing completely. Recently, I have not gone more than around 2 and a half weeks without viewing pornography. However, As far as masturbation goes, I had not gone more than 6 days without it-until now. Now I am completly clean for nine days. I have the feeling that I have finally got the various tricks to move on and be productive. I feel that I must stay productive (I have what to stay productive with, but I don't want to give away too many details of who I am). Until now in my life, I feel, I was missing something, and that something was filled in through pornography and masturbating. I also did not have the faintest clue how to completely stop, and I am still not sure if I got it (I guess I won't know until 120).
A few points which I think I have gathered which I believe will help me stop are the following:

1. Being productive.

2. Not focusing too much on stopping, just focus on productivity.

3. Remembering each time the urge comes up that one day I will get married imy"H. I have read terrible stories of lives totally ripped apart from the husband being attached to shmutz. I don't want to have any of these issues or cause any of these issues for someone else, chas v'shalom.
(This is perhaps the most powerful one for me.)

4. Don't get nervous that I cannot or might not be able to succeed, just remember that HaShem is in charge of this ta'avah and almost all the effort (really all the effort) is done by Him.

My main question is, does anyone have a clue how long it usually takes for someone in my position to become ready for marriage?
I am someone who has had times of hours a day on the internet (when I was 13-14), times in yeshivah where I did not have access to the internet at all, although it was very difficult for me, and I did masturbate. Recently, as in the past 6 months (possibly before that as well, I don't remember), I have had trouble, but I don't think about the ta'avah most of the day, just when it comes up is there a problem for however long (average whole thing not more than 20 minutes), and then I move on.

So, when do I know I am ready?
Also, any tip?, Thoughts?

Thank you.

one does not have to do with the other
you are more then ready to get married beshoe toveh umitzlachas
and at the same time you should continue with your beautiful work
you really made major progress
just carry on
keep us posted

Welcome,

Agree with Shmeichel.

There is no set time for any of this.

the only time we need to be concerned with is NOW!

b'hatzlachah

Staying busy with good stuff is definitely important. Having good friends and rabbeim to speak to is important as well. You may want to speak with someone you trust who can advise you.

You may want to read this guardyoureyes.com/articles/questions-and-answers/item/do-i-have-to-tell-my-date?category_id=281.

Hatzlacha!

Thank you all for your responses.

I do have at least two, very trustworthy rabeim whom I have spoken to in the past about this. I am in touch with one of them on a regular basis. One of them told me, when I asked him when I can get married, that I don't have to be perfect, but that I should have gained some more control. I never fully understood what point of level of control he was referring to.
However, my other rebbi, whom I am in contact with on a regular basis said that I should be at a point where I am comfortable that I'm not about to slip back (I hope I wrote what he said correctly).

Now although the truth is that I currently feel that I got it, how do I really know? Or is "really knowing" irrelevant?

I also do have a friend whom I speak with about this.

Additionally, I have a yungerman whom I speak with about this and other things. He told me that I should ban myself from all internet access for a full year, and only then consider marriage. It is hard for me to imagine this is the correct mehaleich, any thoughts?

Thank you to anyone and everyone who takes the time to read this post, and especially to anyone who takes the time to comment on it.

Being ready for marriage is a matter of being mature enough to take responsibility of a wife. In your case, part if that is working on your tayvos. If you have a solid plan and have been sincerely working on it, no matter how long, then I'd think you're ready for marriage. Hatzlacha raba and may you have much clarity.

Oh, and by the way, (out of curiosity) why do you wanna get married?

Amen! (to hatzlacha rabbah and much clarity). Thank you.

As far as why I want to get married, that is an excellent question; I am overjoyed that you asked me. I want to have clarity in this myself.
I have been told, and have come to realize, that getting married will not solve my addiction to the internet and to ta'avos. One reason for this is, what happens during the time my wife is assur to me. Also it is much worse for a person to drag others ,i.e. a wife and kids, into having to deal with, and be affected by, this issue, than it is for someone not to be outwardly affecting other people (of course there is the ruchniyus aspect to it anyway, which means it affects all of Klal Yisrael). I mean that if a person is chas v'shalom nichshal after he is married, it can be much worse than if he was still single.
Also, one must not make himself into someone who is a ba'al ta'avah. Everything in correct moderation is the person FOR THE PERSON HIMSELF as well. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in misplacing my chumros. I try hard not to hold myself back from something which is muttar if it makes me feel annoyed and upset. So too, I don't plan on holding myself back more than is right for me to do.

Back to the original question, why do I want to get married?
The truth is, that I do not believe (unless I am fooling myself) that the main reason for my wanting to get married is because I want to be able to do those physical actions. If this would be the reason, why am I not satisfied Pornography and masturbating-the real thing does not seem it should give much greater physical pleasure. However, I feel, whenever I use pornography (I cry as I write this paragraph), that I am not connecting with anyone, I am connecting with emptiness. I long for the real connection, which will only come with my wife imy"H, with whom I am building an eternal connection, and heilige neshamos in Klal Yisrael imy"H.

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that I don't have a ta'avah for Women, I believe the much stronger ta'avah, however, is to connect with the correct woman on all levels, whether physical or spiritual.

That was emotional! I finally gained clarity to myself why I don't want pornography.

Not to be a party pooper but, from the marrieds section(aka the bb) I have found and lived through, that a person who uses porn is effected to the point where normal relation's with ones wife is impaired by the want to duplicate what we have seen.
That being said, its important even as a "boucher" to be clean from viewing porn and the likes for this reason.

If however when you get married you expect a private porn viewing your wife WILL
sense it and there will be NO connection, rather a wife who is broken by the fact that she cant satisfy her husband and she is likely to disconnect.

As to whether or not your ready, you have Rebbeim who you've spoken to about your issue, speak to them tell them where your holding and ask them. I never regretted doing anything my rebbeim told me to , even when it was not what I thought was best for me.

Thank you, but I feel ready to move on and not need these things I have seen.
After all, I always feel disgusted with it all after I finish each time.

I truly feel that connecting with my wife, like I wrote about, plus fulfilling my basic needs is exactly what I need to be fully satisfied as far as these desires are concerned.
I feel that I really don't need the porn itself anymore, as I now have something which fills my days which is very fulfilling. Additionally, and something I have not mentioned before, a major reason, I believe, for my getting involved in porn in the first place, was because I had low self esteem. The porn made me feel better, as it filled in the lack. Baruch HaShem, that is not a problem anymore, I am now quite a confident person. The porn habit/addiction remained (until recently) even after my self confidence blossomed. These two reasons, not doing enough and low self esteem, are now better, therefore I believe I can move away from pornography.
I realized also (if this makes any sense) that, at least recently, my body does not seem to need all these crazy things which goes on in pornography. I feel that right now, the issue is that my brain is having random bad thoughts a few times a day. I just "brush past them" however, without giving them much attention.
I really don't think about marriage as an avenue to release all bounds of ta'avah. I believe that the main reason I want to get married is for the emotional connection I expect to have with my wife imy"H. I'm not saying this connection has nothing to do with sex, just that the sex itself is not the main thing-the connection with the person is the main thing. And just to be clear, I don't believe in an emotional connection purely through sex.

The bottom line is, that I don't feel I will need to make our bedroom into a porn studio.

Lots of feelin's you have.
Lots of confidence.
That's a good thing; but how d'ya know that any of it is accurate?
Us pornsters like to think a lot about ourselves.
Perhaps you're accurate in your assessments; I have no idea, but you might wanna try bouncin' it off someone in real time.

b'hatzlachah

Dear cordnoy, thank you. I did speak with a yungerman who is knowledgeable in helping people with these issues; he agreed with me.

"One reason for this is, what happens during the time my wife is assur to me."

For me that has nothing to do with the reason. I think most addicts will agree. I was at a point where I looked forward to the times of separation, so I could engage in my addiction more freely.

As Cordnoy says, there is a lot of thinking going on here. Lets see it translates into doing!

When to get married is simple, when you are spiritually fit to do so. At least a year of abstinence, progressive victory over lust and spiritual growth would be a good start.

The one thing the most successful of us know, is that we know only a little.

Hatzlacha!

serenity wrote:


Do you really think I need that long?

Do you mean a year of being completely clean, or a year of going in the right direction?