Welcome back!!!

Good to see you positive attitude. Just want to add one point that may help. Stick around here and let the guys know whats going on. Keep away from isolation. In my case that was always the beginning of the slippery slope.

KUTGW!!!

i guess there really is no easy way to do this even with the twelve steps its gonna need a real commitement and hard work unless im missing something if ya please tell me what you think thanks

"If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."

"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'."

The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."

Welcome to the forum!

You write, "sometimes seems more unbearable then it is to just go for it". I can completely relate to that and I think so can many people here. It is a pretty classic sentiment among addicts as far as I can tell. As Gibbor says, many of us use lust as a solution to our problems. So, and I'll speak for myself, I share your feeling that it was more bearable for me to just go for it. The "it" at the beginning of that sentence is life. Life was more bearable for me when I was acting out until I found another solution that not only makes life bearable, but makes it worthwhile. I came to a point that I realized that lust was not making my life more bearable, because I wasn't actually living it. I was not the person that I wanted to be or that I was not the person I knew I should want to be. It wasn't that I didn't want to be a "low life". It became irrelevant to me whether or not I was a low life by nature. Maybe I am a rotten person at my core. Who cares? What became important to me was the person that I want to be, or that I should want to be, not the person I thought I was. I wanted to be a good husband, a good father and a good friend and so I started doing the actions that such a person would do. That was my bottom. I decided I wanted to live life and not avoid it and I needed a solution. I found that solution in the 12 steps, in therapy, in GYE, in meditation and in a constant pursuit of spiritual growth, and with the help of Hashem. The Lubavitcher Rebbe zt"l, very often stressed that "ha-maaseh hu ha-ikar—“it is the action that counts.” I never appreciated the meaning of that ideal more than I do now in recovery.


So I don't get hung up anymore on whether or not I'm a pervert, lowlife sick individual. The facts would demonstrate that I am just that. But, I don't have to act like one! And maybe with a life time of working my program, giving to others and letting Hashem run the show, maybe I'll change, but I don't need to. Today I did the right thing and that's all that matters to me. Everything else is my ego.

Btw, As Dov said on a meeting call the other day that different things work for different people depending on their malady. So you may relate to what I'm saying and you may not. I can see how some people would not be helped by accepting that they may just be a pervert. Some people may find that distressing or depressing. What I found distressing and depressing my whole life was the battle not to be a pervert. I don't battle that anymore and I haven't acted out yet today, by the help of Hashem and I don't have the obsession to do so, and that is a miracle.

PS.

I don't want to ramble on, but SA is a selfish program and it's helping me to do so. The reason it was depressing for me to fight lust may be as follows. You see, if I am a pervert with a medical disease, a physical, psychological and spiritual ailment then the fact that I act out does not reflect poorly on my emunah in Hashem and of my love for yiddishkeit. It doesn't mean there is a chesoron in my avodah and that I am some how less deserving of Hashem's love or my Rebbis respect than the next guy. It also means that I don't have to constantly try and prove myself to others.

Hatzlacha!!!

wow thanks serenity thats great i dont know if i can relate to everything you said but i think some of it. im not doing the twelve steps yet im still working other stuff riht now but there are things that i can relate to. one is that my life is not going were i want it to go and i think its mainly because of lust which kills me. although in my case untill recently i didnt feel i had any hope so i buried those feelings as far down as they will but now i read your words they really do resonate with me. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. and yes id rather not be a pervert and perhaps that will bother me a drop but if i can stop acting out i think that would be enough for me.so thanks again

just had a question if i watched a movie trailler that i kinda knew but not really would not be so kosher on you tube (im stating were i saw to know there is a limit to how not kosher it was)i searched for something not so kosher (wow that was hard for to post) is that considered bad enough to be called a fall. just be honest i need to know the truth. just wanted to say as well the next trailler was worse and i was much more clear that it would be so, i stopped before it started and shut down you tube. which was pretty cool and i can honestly say i would not be able to do that without all of your help stay strong boys cause were rockin in the now

Do you mean considered a fail for the 90 day chart? I can't say I'm a buckie in the rules of the 90 day chart . I'm pretty sure it is more strict than the SA version of sobriety, although SA does have as a part of the definition "the progressive victory over lust", so in that sense it may arguably be a higher standard. One of the reasons I signed up for the chart was because I knew I needed to be strict and wanted that accountability. From my understanding, I'm not sure you even had a slip, never mind a fall. Although I'm not totally clear on what you did. The rules talk about viewing bad or improper sites, unless I misunderstand that I thought it meant porn sites. If it means watching tv or movies, then I fell long ago although I have not been doing a lot of that and when I do it's pretty clean stuff.) If you're saying you searched for porn or I guess enticing images, then it seems if you stopped right away you are okay. The main thing to me is "to thy own self be true".

Here are the rules, they seem pretty clear"

What constitutes a "Fall" to require restarting the count?
There are "slips" and there are "falls". "Slips" do not require restarting the count. "Falls" do require restarting.
A "Fall" is one of the following things:

Intentional masturbation (with finish)
Intentionally viewing improper sites (to me that means porn - maybe someone else can clarify.)
Intentionally calling inappropriate telephone numbers
Intentionally seeking out and reading erotica
Worse things, which we need not mention

In regard to number 2 (and 4), if someone saw something by mistake and then got a little bit carried away and kept looking at it, or even if someone saw a link and couldn't resist clicking on it but then catches themselves within a few seconds, that would only be considered a "slip", not a "fall". However, if someone decides to actively pursue viewing bad sites (porn I presume?), that would be considered a fall.