Can I work the steps alone?

What's wrong with surrendering alone?

Is your surrendering done all by your lonesome, or do you have a few choices of folks you can call to quickly do the surrender with and then move on? It is important for us to surrender together with other people - and my favorite reason for that is quite cool:
The only place surrender is ever made is inside my heart, where my motivations are found and where my actions are decided. What we say is not often worth very much. So you'd think that surrendering in my heart = success, period. Technically, that's true. Still, there is a huge poison inherent in surrendering exclusively privately and I bet it has ruined many good-hearted frummeh yidden like us, addicts or not:
When I surrender privately exclusively, and am granted relief by Hashem, I will be grateful.
When I do it again a few more times, though, I will be machzik myself as a good Jew. And what's so bad about that? Nothing really, but....
After a few more times, I will believe that I am 'really something'... I see it all the time, and saw it in myself, as well. And unfortunately, in the sick realm of his or her addiction all the 'positive self-esteem' stuff of Rav Twerski avail an addict zero, really. Thinking we are 'really something' means one thing: EGO: Edging G-d Out. Period.
A normal person can afford that, but many addicts agree that they cannot. We need to remember exactly who we are and what we are prone to. The first step (of the 12) is not done once - it is an awareness that saves us again and again from death.
When we surrender in our hearts and share that surrender with another (safe) person, it is really hard to consider ourselves heroes . After all, my thoughts (if I am really being honest and open about them) are occasionally quite immature, perverted, and goofy. And my recovery buddy knows all about it! He surely doesn't look down on me for my thoughts, cuz he understands his own addiction and how even men and women of great quality - even great rabbonim, good fathers, and courageous people - are quite pathetic in addiction. I know a lot of great talmidei chachomin, lawyers, and doctors - all addicts like me - whose brains can come up with the silliest and most dangerous ideas when a woman with the right 'accouterments' talks nicely to them, or when they are alone at the office with an unfiltered computer (or book)... or whatever. Willpower will not protect them forever - hence, they are guaranteed to fail - they are powerless and admit it freely.
But it's nothing to be ashamed of, really. It's just the truth about us! Hey - my body will eventually die, slowly rot, and smell horrible - people will run from it. Not a pleasant thing to think about, so we don't. And that's normal. But with addiction, if we choose to allow our shame to guide us we'll never share it and surely self-destruct. We make philosophical and religious excuses for keeping it private - it's all really just shame of our own 'stink'.
Addicts in recovery know better.
So we share it with another person rather than just privately give up our 'right' to it and ask Hashem to save us from the pain/regret. We tell them all about it. There is no shame left when it comes down to saving my life, thank-you. We all know what happens to the guy who has a heart attack R"l in the bathroom and is too shamed to call for help because he hasn't wiped himself yet... (sorry)
It helps keep me right-sized in my own mind and heart when I know that other people are fully aware of the depth of craziness that my addict mind is capable of. And right-sizedness is perhaps the greatest 'sobriety insurance' in the world.
Humility in action, not just in words. Talk is certainly cheap. But talking out our insides to another is precious, precious, precious!

Let's come out - and stay out - of the shadows.

doingtshuva wrote:


No.

Sorry.


One point I'd like to make is that SA is not exclusively for addicts. You can be a non-addict and join the fellowship. The only requirement for SA membership is the desire to stop lusting and become sexually sober.

I don't know if it's possible for people to recover without the 12 steps. I have no idea. But I think it's the easiest, best way, with numerous fringe benefits. There is so much to be gained from the steps, for anyone not just addicts. R' Twerski's been going to meetings for about 60 years!

Can I ask you, what's the tzad not to do the steps?

I have some questions:
1) Why should a non-addict want to join the fellowship?
2) How can I feel safe and secure after going to meetings, can I just trust everybody attending the meeting?
3) If I'll decide to go, how will I then brake my fear and shame?

I'm asking cause my therapist wants me to attend meetings, but I don't see it happening.

Honesty - For so long we were afraid to tell anyone what was really going on in our heads. By keeping it a secret we allowed our addictive thinking to grow and spread. By sharing our thoughts and actions with others in SA we discovered that much of the power of lust was removed. Therefore members of SA are encouraged to share honestly both in and out of meetings.

Thanks for Waston and Serenity
I agree that the only requirement for SA is a desire to stop lusting and to become sexually sober, and I believe that I have this desire of being sober. This is my main goal in life for the past year, just to become and stay sober.

I understand from what you are saying, that everyone keeps anonymity because everyone depends on it for their own recovery, so I believe that meetings are considered safe.

I still wonder why R' Twerski's has been going to meetings for about 60 years!
I even heard him saying it on one of the recordings of Duvid Chaims Guest speakers.
Is the meetings something we can't stop one day? So maybe this is my fear, I'm scared I won't be able to stop going?

Cordony wrote:
I know that the key to success is the talking out with real people.

I feel that opening up to real people is what's helping me the most.
When I have an urge to look at some P at work or even M when I'm alone, my mind reminds me that later I'll have to share it with my therapist, so for the meanwhile it's helping me, not 100% but it helps.
I'm sure that sharing it live with an addict would have a greater affect.
I also understand that by going to meetings, I'll have more people I'll wish to share my experience. NO?

But my dear Waston,
Why should a non-addict want to join the fellowship?
I'm sorry,but I'm satisfied with your answer,I would like a better one.
(If he's not an addict so I would say he's a spy )
Joining Gye is not the same as joining SA or AA.

Thanks again for every peace of advice and Chizuk.

Is the meetings something we can't stop one day? So maybe this is my fear, I'm scared I won't be able to stop going?

But my dear Waston,
Why should a non-addict want to join the fellowship?
I'm sorry,but I'm satisfied with your answer,I would like a better one.
Joining Gye is not the same as joining SA or AA.

All I meant was that people join SA for the same reason they join GYE. Plenty of people join GYE and find that it's not enough to stay sober. The real question is why don't they join SA?

I would take a guess that you are the type of person who's desire to become sexually sober will outweigh the fear.