Was doing so well... then up and down over the past few months, it went south, and the trend got worse...

Now it was a new low. I spent money (which my family needs) on a skype "cam girl". When she wasn't available, I spent money on 2 others hoping they'd be able to fit in the tiny window where I wouldn't get caught. What the hell was I thinking?!

After doing that, knowing that I'd have only like a 5 minute gap of clarity, I then cancelled all the accounts used to set up, pay for, and find all of that even though I had 2 sessions booked. This was a struggle since I kept telling myself, "look- you already paid for it, just enjoy then start again tomorrow."

Was I right to cancel those accounts, or should I have just squeezed a couple more in before starting over? To be honest, I feel like anyway I might just watch regular porn again... so what's the difference? Ok, I think I know the answer, but it is helpful to hear from you guys.

I have a sincere question- does it get easier to really stop after 90 days of brute force? I've made it like 30 or 40 a few times... and then I fell, and then I went on a binge, and now I actually spent money and made it somewhat personal... I'm really afraid. The trend over time is getting worse. I'd be lying if I said I didn't consider actual personal contact at some point.

The one thing I really don't want to do is any sort of group where I might be identified... the Jewish community is so small... any truly anonymous place like this, where there isn't even voice, is great... but real life or phone groups are just not something I'm going to do at this point.

Not sure when or how often I'll be back to check this page, but....

Please Help!

Nice you got it off your chest.

Welcome.

It does get easier, but it doesn't go away unless it was actually worked upon.

Let us know what you plan on doin' or what you currently are doin'.

We are all in the same boat as you.

don't be a stranger.

b'hatzlachah

Most people are terrified of their anonymity being lost. There is nothing to worry about here. We are all in the same boat.
If you commit to working on recovering with real actions, not only do things get easier but you will discover a whole new world of life available.

unanumun wrote:


Un a numun? Oh, the irony.

cordnoy wrote:


First step I think is to have a daily counter. In the past I would just set the 100 day mark on a calendar and every now and then check to see how far I've made it...

I think having a daily count will be a much better reminder, and it's so simple to just write a number down that I really think I can do it.

One of the problems in the past was that I told myself I'd do hitbodedut, even just to talk to Hashem about this... but then I wouldn't remember to do it. Maybe since I'll already have this simple daily thing (updating the count), I'll feel motivated to take a minute to ask Hashem for help too.

I think it might also be helpful to write a couple of powerful quotes on that same document. Can't look for it at the moment... but there was one from Dov here that really struck home with me. He was talking to someone about finding a heter to get into dangerous territy and he pointed out that even if it were permitted, even if it were a mitzvah, it is totally assur for an addict. Similar to wine, might be a mitzvah- but an alcoholic needs to stay away no matter what.

I fall into that same trap so often. Can justify many, many triggers that are really poison for me. Not saying I'm going to eliminate them... but maybe even just digging up that quote and writing it on my "count" document will be a good step

Sounds good, but you might wanna try somethin' that will take you a bit out of your comfort zone.....lust addicts (like myself) like to think that we can just do this and we will be just fine. Sadly, as i can attest to, it doesn't work like that (for many of us).

kavanah wrote:
The brute force method never gets easier. There are times it is easier, and times it is harder, but brute force is NOT recovery! You say it's getting worse, you see where brute force is getting you.

kavanah wrote:
So you want to recover, but don't want to invest anything other than "holding your breath"? It dosn't sound like a good plan to me. I know. I tried it. I failed miserably. This site is full of people who tried your plan and failed. I'm sorry for being so pessimistic, but experience is a brutal teacher.

It's hard to open up. I know. BUT, the reward is great! Hatzlacha!

WELCOME!!!!!!!!

Check out the GYE Handbook and Skep's tips

Hi Kavanna,
Your post resonates so very strongly in me. I remember the fear I had just signing up to this forum. I never ever dreamt that I would ever go to a live SA meeting.
You see, recovery for me is similar to my downfall into the hellhole of lust. When I first glimpsed at billboards and novels that were lying around my house and snuck into the bathroom to masturbate, I never thought I would ever sink so low to actually view internet porn and spend hours with it, I never imagined walking into a strip club etc. but when in the throes of lust, I am a crazy man and I do things that I would never think possible when I am sane. And you know what, it didn't happen overnight, the YH is very patient with me, it took years of unchecked lust to get me to sink so low and each time the YH opened an opportunity to sink just a wee bit more. And before I knew it, 20 years later, I am digging out of a deep smelly slimy pit.
Recovery is the same. I never dreamt of actually communicating even anonymously with people on the forum. Before I made my first call to speak with someone I met on the forum, I exchanged many emails where I interrogated him to make sure that he would have no clue who I am. Then we spoke almost every day for months until he convinced me to join a live phone conference. Of course when I finally did, I kept silent the whole time until I was sure that I didn't recognize any voices. Then I spoke up and it felt great but you know what, it wasn't enough. My telephone friend, persisted and convinced me to go to a live SA meeting. He went and he insisted there was nothing to fear. It took months but I went to a meeting in a church on the other side of town. Noone knew me and I survived.
I now communicate with several people who identify themselves with first and last names even though I am still not sharing (but not guarding) my last name.
You don't have to do everything at once..the key is BABY STEPS. I think you should call in to one of the 3 daily calls, keep your phone on mute and just listen to the group.
Of all the people I met on GYE, noone ever knew who I was.
I would be happy to speak with you. I could give you my phone number and you can call me from a blocked number. We can communicate through email and you can ask me any questions to satisfy yourself that I do not know who you are.
pischoshelmachat@gmail.com
Just remember, you are not alone and I know how much pain and tears lust is causing you, because it does the same to me.
Let's beat this together! WE CAN!

Seems like you got some answers to your question, but not sure if you got sufficient response for what you just accomplished. I think you know the answer but hey - THAT IS AMAZING. Did I see you canceled accounts, knowing that just because you paid for poison, does not mean you need to kill yourself?! The ability to say not now, even if I fall some other time, but now I'm not going to do it. Catch myself for today, and tomorrow will be what it will be. HELLO - THAT ROCKS!