who cares about the stupid easy test?
you studied? fine, then Hashem wanted you not to do well
you didn't study? fine, so it's over. nothing you can do to change your grade now (unless your professor is super nice and lets you do and extra paper or something to make up your grade)
and i found that feeling like a failure makes me fall every time.
cuz if i don't do well in anything, then why should i do well in this?

don't listen to your YH, k?
he's telling you that you're hopeless, BUT YOU'RE NOT!
you're not even close to hopeless.
there's plenty of time to feel hopeless when you're old and grey and can't change anymore.
for now, call up someone who admires you or looks up to you and just chat with them.
a little brother, a younger cousin, someone you tutor, i dunno, find someone.
it's an ego boost and a mitzvah in one.
and ego boost= less likely to feel like a failure= no falling!

(or you can do what everyone else is saying and stop expecting so much from yourself so you don't get upset if you don't make it big. never really understood this logic. but to each his own)

all i want is to be a good jew and do well in school. thats really all i want. after every time i dont do well, i feel less ans less connected. its just a fact. i tried my best. yea truth is i could have tred. i didnt think it was needed. and guess what it wasnt, just made stupid mistakes.

my aodat hashem would be so much easier if i do well in school. i dont know what hashem wants from me. the more i dont do the more the more im driven away. i dont get what hashem wants from me. i break up with this girl, i do all these things to bring myself closer and i get no where.

i know this is barely a consolation, but it is always darkest before the light.

and yeah, if only my life was perfect, then i could serve Hashem properly.
i used to say that if only Hashem would let me get all 90s that i would be happy. i just was sick of studying and trying and not getting anywhere.
problem is that once you get over the thrill of getting a good grade, it becomes "normal" to you and then you want more.

don't go making deals with Hashem that if He would only give you what you want that you'll be good.
cuz believe me, it's much easier for Him to hold up his side of the deal than for you to hold up yours.
and Hashem remembers forever, and we forget.

strivingfortruth wrote on 12 Nov 2009 01:55:

Hey, you are getting somewhere! but sometimes when you're driving, it takes a couple of min for the scenery to change from city streets to highway. give it a bit. and just keep driving so that you get to the highway.

but the thing is, i dont want my life ot be perfect. i just want this so badly. thats all. this gets to me so much more than anything else out there. this is it. this is what makes me feel like garbage. not much else.

how am i supposed to feel like hashem always has the best in mind for me? it seems like the exact opposite. everything i  out effort in seems to fail.how should i belive my closness to him should be any different?

cuz we have no control over anything else.
i have no control over my midterm tomorrow. i can study my brains out, and it can be such a hard test that i'll fail.
or vice versa.
_{here i wrote a really long dvar torah that i deleted cuz it would be too controversial. and i don't think you or anyone else around here would like it. it addressed this part of your post:} strivingfortruth wrote on 12 Nov 2009 02:10:


but basically, what i was saying is that we have no control over anything. "hakol biydei shamayim chutz mi... yirat shamayim"
Hashem controls EVERYTHING. the ONLY thing we can change is our yiras shamayim, and, hence, our relationship with Him.
and Hakadosh Baruch Hu is waiting for us to get close to Him. but we have to put in the effort.

How is serving Hashem connected with doing well in school?

Maybe Hashem wants you to learn in kollel your whole life.

Maybe Hashem wants you to move to Israel and become a farmer.

Maybe Hashem wants you to get hit by a bus (ch"v), sue the bus company for negligence, make ten million dollars in court, and live off of the interest.

The point is - doing well in school has NOTHING to do with serving Hashem.

I did well in school.  I got a degree in #$#@$^&  from the University of #@%$#%@$.  My degree is practically worthless to me now, and my line of employment has nothing to do with my degree - they don't even require a degree. 

Some people in my field make more than brilliant graduates with three degrees under their belt.

Stop accepting the world's definition of success and the world's plan on how to achieve it.

Success for an honest Jew is serving Hashem properly.

Money, knowledge, everything else is min ha shamayim.

Thanks withgdshelp, couldn't have put it better!

thanks guys. i know all those things to be true, its just so hard to accept it. yea you are right maybe im not destined for any of this. but the fact is this is what i convinced myself i want to accomplish. its hard for me to say it mught not happen. to me, it seems like faluire, even though i understand its not. i understand that if you try your hardest, you can expect hashem to do the rest. but again, it so frustrating. and besides, i can always try harder. there is no end, really. so i guess what im saying is that i want to live for hashem, i do. i know this is not supposed to be discouraging me, but it is. so im going to try to still serve hashem like i would if i was doing well in school. i want to learn to accept the deeper meaning of emunah. sometimes i just dont see how its possible.

wow, that has to be the best post so far, no offense guys.

i hear what your saying. were not in control. no need to stress right?

a big reason why its so hard is because im not a relaxed person by nature. i guess it takes a lot of time and effort

Rage, has anyone mentioned that we are SOOOOOOOO happy to have you back!!!!!

wow rage you really know how to put something down. Sometimes ( or in truth most times) the simple way is the best way. So striving keep on striving and let life take its course. Hey G-ds got something interesting and kool for everyone. Just continue playing the game of life and youll see just how good it really is.

Hey! I'm here! Tell me what's on your mind!

hey guys-

so here is the update:

things are getting better, BH. my feelings have slowly diminished, and i feel more like im moving on every day. i think the turning point was when i really convinced myself there was no way i can end up with this person, and there is someone else out there for me.

in other news, she called on Friday to apologize for everything she did. i told i her i forgive her for everything. i did not want to leve anything in the past. we are on better terms now, and i m kind of happy about that. i told her we cant talk very much, and she was OK with that. im happy that she put all the tension to rest. now i can move on and not have any unanswered questions.

hope all is well with you guys!


striving

Wow great news. Im glad you are both moving on. Hopefully you can both grow from this!

-INH