I reached day 90 I was thrilled ... then I got complacent I kept reading the white book .. which eventually fizzeled out then the emails began to seem unnecessary for "someone like me" I was flying . so I cancelled the emails and the excuse was "what if someone would find that "I" was getting shemeras Anayin chinuk!! - that would really be embarassing!

Then I had an amazing sensation I felt protected against falling like pictures or interactions could not effect me. and it took about 4 days for those defences to collapse. now 40 days later I have reconnected to GYE, after a 40 day hiatus, filled will hours and days of obsession, masturbation, seeking female sexual pleasures out side of marriage. a destruction of Shalom Bayits and a sensation of retracting into myself and again standing behind a glass screen observing life.
I have restarted the 90 days.

My main problem as always was "that all this was prophalactic treatment that - as time goes by and I am well I find it hard to remember the lows"

I cried today in dovening after my wife had attacked me for being cold, cut off, distant not linking into her feelings, not engaging her... How could I -I was totally immersed in plotting and schemeing acting out!! I had no space for her,me, my children all I had space for was escaping from reality.

Hashem should give me strength to never forget that EVERY DAY IF A NEW DAY AND EVERY DAY I CAN FALL BACK TO VERY BEGINING I CAN NOT RELY ON MT MERITS OR SUCCESSES OF YESTERDAY


I have really missed the interaction

Charlie

A moving message about how we cant afford to become complacent in the struggle. Yesterday's tools may not be effective enough today or tomorrow. Gotta KOMT!

That post was beautiful.

Welcome back home.

Thank you all for your emails

I am now day 13 and I see my wife smiling at me again - its amazing her view of me is the ultimate litmus test as to if I am being "human" or if I am living in a world of fantasy. 2 months ago "I caused her " to call me every profane word imaginable - and she is a FRUM girl. Of cause Hashem put those words in her mouth I was spending hours and days obsessing over a work colleuge and even had sexual interactionss with her!
My wife reflects me now "Today" I am clean I have done teshuva I am TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for myself and now she reflects love and warmth. She is not schizophrenic - she is hashems "Stick" Behave correctly and you will have a loving wife or the reverse.

I Never want to leave you again Hashem for all our sakes


Good Shabbos

Charlie1

That's incredible to hear. KOMT!

thank you that is very supportive

what does KOMT mean?

LOL! I remember when I used to see everyone saying it and also not knowing what it meant. It stands for Keep On Monster Trucking.

thats about as ununderstandable as KOMT was does .....monster trucking mean??

LOL

I believe it means to be like a monster truck and just go! Just plow ahead and beat tge yetzer hara. There is no one definition for it, its just a chizzuk line between gye users.