HI im relatively new I just wanted to ask about walking on the street its just not going to work if I always say to myself don't look don't look it wont work for life there has to be another solution or approach anyone please help.

our only concern is about the moment before us (worryin' about the future is 'atzas ha-yetzer').

b'hatzlachah

Do you always feel as hungry as you do at 7:30pm on tisha ba'av afternoon?

Even if not checking out women on the street sounds like a giant challenge right now, with time the challenge diminishes, or as they say here, the battle lines are withdrawn. Lust feeds on itself, and if you make efforts to limit it and not keep injecting small doses into your bloodstream the urgency will lessen over time. Don't expect it to be overnight, and don't expect to be immune from lust but it can become a habit when you are out and about to keep away from ogling.

True you have to focus only on the moment and little by little it will becomes easier, but still you cannot constantly be fighting and saying don't look don't look is wont work inside your exploding and I think the reason is because you haven't dealt with the source of the problem why do you want to look ? Because you have pain and emptiness therefore you have to bring in positive things , Hashems love and support and peoples love and compassion then you wont want to look, for the reason you want to look is to soothe your pain but once you've solved the pain you've solved the symptom. Fighting and dealing with it negatively is only good short term that bpoal you should stop looking but it dosent solve the problem long term. I really think its much more about putting in positivity and the negativity will fade away by itself obviously you have to say no im not going to look it cant just be positive thinking but the main focus should be on the Tochen, Hashem , for again that fills your emptiness and soothes the pain (which is the source of addiction) in the right way. I don't think taking vowes and punishing myself is going to help me anyway I appericate the website a lot I just think for me the focus should be on the compassion and love and not on fighting myself.

If you stick around, explore the website, read the forums (go to SA groups), listen to calls, you will realize that we do not beat ourselves up; we emphasize the positives, understand our deficiencies and accept them for what they are, some of us surrender and we learn tools of copin' with life. A therapist may tell each individual what their emptiness is and what void they are tryin' to fill. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. There have been many that came to this site and they begin swingin' the Torah, God, teshuvah, ec. mantel, as if that is the cure-all.

Stay for a while with two ears and two eyes opened.

Perhaps you/I will learn a thing or two from others that may help us.

b'hatzlachah

Well said ,sure i will stick to the site and the support here B`H there is such a site, the truth is im relatively new but I have read some books before on addiction I just wanted to bring out that point but im sure I still have a lot to learn. Thanks

d111


Check Skep's tips on positive programming! Exactly what you said!

The best way to control your eyes in the street is by controlling your mind. If you have what to think about, you won't be noticing what is around you. Prepare things to think about. Learn mishnayos baal peh and review them while you are in the street.
I am not always able to do that (Ok usually I don't) but when I am relaxed enough and have enough menuchas hanefesh, my mind is preoccupied when I am in the street.
i had a rebbe that once told me a pretty depressing thought. He pointed out that there are many people that come to a point rachmana litzlan that they are laying in a hospital bed and all that is working is their mind. (Or they have no visitors and are alone all day) He said "what are you going to think about?" people can love their whole lives a tzsaddik and die an apikores from such an experience. HE said you have to prepare yourself to have what to think about all day.
A short time after that I happened to be visiting a close family member and sure enough she said to me "I am going crazy. I am laying here all day. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't even watch tv. Why is Hashem doing this to me" It really shook me up and I think about it every so often. (She died a short time later and I was very happy to hear from a different relative that she had come to peace. She said "Whatever Hashem wants to do to me is fine.")
sorry for the morbid thought but it just popped into my head as I started this post. bottom line, we have to learn how to occupy our minds with positive thoughts.

True True True I think there are two things to it

1. The main issue whyare you looking at women Answer: to soothe your pain not like what a lot of people think I have to shes so pretty no your using her for your pain. Now redirect the question to yourself why are you in pain , are you stressed, feeling empty talk to yourself in a nice way with compassion not shame tell yourself Hashem loves you, remind yourself to reconnect to Hashem if your stressed out remind yourself Hashem runs the world not me I accept everything that's going to happen . Baiscally dealing with the core problem your pain and emotions.

2. Do a healthy behaviour , think Mishnayios , listen to music , call a friend, read, say a Tfillah while your walking the point is engage in a act that will distract you from looking at women.

Not everyone looks at girls/women/provocative images because of pain.

People can get annoyed when you tell 'em why they are doin' things or why they aren't doin' things.

im sorry I didn't mean to be annoying I just thought that that was the common dynamotor of all addictions and that's the core problem . Can you please tell me what could be the other reason ?

lust!
control
lust!
excitement
lust!
media
attention
void
pain
depression
lust!
sex
attraction
itchiness
lust!
fantasy

dear d111, ( i'm sure the three ones stand or atah achad, v'shimcha echad, goy echad b'oretz)
there really are many reasons for acting out. i'm far from being an expert, but some people are simply pulled more than others, and sometimes it is just part of their makeup.
and also it seems that addicts need to use a whole range of tools to get on the rode to recovery, some of it positive, some of it discipline, some of it self understanding, honesty, and the list goes on.
therefore controlling one eyes could be a different experience for everyone. and it seems you gotta be active on all fronts. wishing you hatzlacha and keep posting.

Im sorry I haven't quite fully understood, I think the reason why we go to lust is because its an outlet its already not just a simple pleasure or excitement for the addict its a need to survive through the day the real problem is not being able to deal with life's challenges and struggles whatever they may be stress , depression ,not loved, fear, insecurity, anger, childhood trauma, approval seeking , not being able to have intercourse (sex)because of niddah or because im a bachur and im still not married, boredom, and loneliness. I think I can say these are all different types of pains and uncomfortable feelings. Feeling disconnected from Hashem is also a type of pain , not feeling the Emes not feeling a connection to something higher and real.