Baruch Shechiyanu vekiemanu vhigiyanu lazman hazeh
so its been a year since ive join this site. been a couple of months since i have posted. but i felt like i should evaluate my year for you guys for this auspicious occasion.
im not going to lie, this has not been a great year. started out in a yeshiva i was not to thrilled with, then my father passed away, followed my months and months of pain and anguish trying to come to terms with life. why was this all happening to me? i felt like i had the best yom nerayim of my life; that i truly felt god loved me, and what was i rewarded with? the worst year of my life. i still have trouble coming to terms with this. i still cry for my father, for the unfillable void that he left behind. for all the things i wish i said to him. for all the times i wish i called him. for all the hugs i missed, words of wisdom i did not hear.
and yet, at the same time, i come back here one year latter and wish to tell you that, i have changed. ive been changing a lot of things in my life. ive changed my perspective on many things in life that have caused me much trouble in the past. while i am far from healed from my many wounds, i like to think i'm on the path to healing.
the most important thing i have learn this year, is that your life is your life. it is not the same as the ones around you. your struggles are not other peoples struggles. they are yours alone; unique to you. this means to me that, no one can tell you how to live your life to the fullest but you.
when i first came to this site, to be honest i was not very thrilled with it. all i saw was people telling me i had a problem X and i needed to do Y to over come it. and while at first i was reluctant to disagree because i was fearful that i was just lying to myself, over time i came to realise that, how ever much good these people meant to do for me, they cant tell me what my problem is. they might be able to help ME find out, but they cant tell me what the problem is. only i can. and for me, i feel that my problem with lust and sexuality is not a "disease" or something like that, but just a coping mechanism that i adopted at a young age to deal with the bigger problem, which i feel is that i am not happy with who i am as a person. there are many reasons why i feel this way, but these are the cold hard facts. masterbating and porn where and are not the main problem, they where a distraction from the main problem. so for me to focus on those just caused me to get more and more out of sync with my self. yes i have a problem with them, yes i have not been able to quit for long periods of time, but it was not the main source of strife in my life, other than them making me feel like a worse jew. lust did not have any affect on me other then with my yiddishkeit, and because I had no self esteem, i could not crawl out of the hole i dug for my self over the years. addiction or not, habits die hard. and when i failed i just reinforced the stigma that i was a bad person because of it. once i started to realise im not a bad person bu rather i'm a good person who has done bad things and has a responsibility to make it right, i started to find my self. i could tell my self ": no im not going to look at porn." and no it has not been foolproof, but its been better then it has been in such a long time. the reason i fell the first time was because i just had the biggest fight with my mother i have had in the longest time, i was so sad and depressed and angry and miserable i couldn't think straight. so i fell. but then i didn't fall for another 2 weeks, and that time it was just bad timing, some really strong trigger with a bad move. but i got up and moved right along. and now its been a couple of weeks, ( i think, not really keeping track),
my point in saying this is not to tell people not to listen to the wonderful people on this site, but rather to learn to take what people say to you, and apply it to your own life. A Fool fears advice because he takes it literally. a wise man runs after it because he realises its worth and he takes it and uses it as a tool to help HIM become the best person HE can be. case in point, ill paraphrase something dov said, he said that the real way to stop is to make a decision that you cannot and will not go to lust to solve your problems. you have to accept that you must stop the lust before it begins, that this is not something that you can do. and this some how struck me in a very profound way. for me, this meant that enough with the guilt, enough with the gehenom, you have a responsibility for the future (right now). and with that advice and the help of god ive greatly increased my days of not acting out, and may god bless me with very more. but i don't count the days because its not about streaks, its not about overcompensating for my guilty feelings. its about making a choice. we are good people who make bad choices and then must take responsibility for our actions. we all can make a choice not to act out. and it doesn't mean that you will never do it again, but it means you're choosing not to let this be a part of your life any more.again, just stating how i feel about my situation, don't take anything i say literally and apply it to your life in that sense.
I started working out again. going for jogs and such and its greatly helped with my moods. i'm seeing a therapist for the first time in my life, and hes helping me see the world in a different perspective. ive met a girl though an online dating site, and i finally feel like i have something in common with someone i'm dating, and not just going out to please other people. its early on but its seems good and i have faith in god all will work out the way it should. i'm starting my masters soon, i'm learning in the mornings (not schmoozing). a lot of things are looking up. sure somethings are not great. my fathers passing still haunts me to this day, but i'm trying. its all about trying.
see, it is true that we can only do the best we can, but the thing people get hung up on is that they lack the confidence to say to themselves " i'm doing my best", so they get depressed and go down. you need to have confidence in yourself. only you can do that. others can help you, but it comes down to you.
so my final words will be advise to newcomers here, as well as anyone else who wants to listen. use the tools of this site. talk to people, post , reply. but remember that no one here can tell you how to fix your life. only you can. no here is going to have the exact answer your looking for. everyone is different, and most people can only give over how THEY where successful. and maybe it will work for you. maybe it wont. everyone is different. take comfort in that, knowing that the fact your on this site is the first big step. if a 12 step program is for you, the by all means go for it. talk to the guys here who have mastered it. if its not, thats fine to. but only you can decide what is right for you. and remember, god loves you, more then you ever will know, or can know. and he only wants the best for you. he doesnt want to beat you up. never give up, there are people who care, even if you dont feel it, and trust me i know that feeling. reaching out is hard, ive been pretty bad about that. but god makes things work out for everyone
yom kippur is tomorrow night. kind of a touchy time for us here, weird feelings and emotions going on. just gonna say how i look it it based on what ive learned. Yom kippur is the happiest day of the year. To me that is because it is the one day of the year when we stop all the hubbub, all the guilt, the self hatred, the depression, and we say to god " daddy, i love you, you love me, take me back home, i wanna be on your team, i can't do this on my own, i need you to clean me." and if we focus on that and try our best to mean that, what could be better? what could be more joyous then the feeling that we are on god team, and he is running our lives.
may we all have a gmar chasima tova
Warning: Spoiler!
