שמחינו כימות עיניתנו שנות ראינו רעה

one day at a time

that IS the answer. it is the one and only true answer we all are looking for.

one day at a time

it solves it all. it answers all the questions, ties up all the loose ends. makes everything look clear. it is the embodiment of clarity. its everything, yet possibly nothing at the same time.

see, idk if ill feel this way l8er, but i feel like im taking a picture, capturing a moment in time here, so role with it

im not saying anything new here. but chazara is always good in the words of my 10th grade rebbe. and to give my self more credit, im possibly saying old things from a new, fresh perspective.

anyhow. i have always been looking, striving, yearning, franticly searching for the answer. the answer to it all, THE answer. ive read books, screamed at rabbis, cried my self to sleep in prayer, all to figure out what the hell i am doing here and what am i suppose to be doing.
the answer is....doing the best that i think i can do....one day at a time. to just bunker down in the moment, to entrench my self in the very second that i am living in, and live it. not think about tomorrow, a year form now, what i did 15 seconds ago, what i feel i might do in a minute from now, what some1 else is doing now, how some1 else life is affecting or will affect me. just live in the moment. do what u gata do in the moment. not be perfect. u cant be perfect. but u can do ur best, and just put one foot in front of the other, one second at a time.
thats its. the answer has been spoken....

but thats the thing. i always thought id hit this huge break through and it would all just be smooth sailing. like it would all just instantly click. and it kinda does. but at the same time ti doesn’t, bc the answer is scary. its hard its terrifying.
to bunker down in the moment is like sitting in a fox hole. all u can do it sit there and experience ur own surrounding deal with what is in front of u. bu at the same time u wonder what is going on outside ur fox hole. is the enemy advancing? where are your friends? will u make it out alive? and its so hard to just stay in the moment and deal with it. but thats all you really can do.
and the second u start to shift out of the present, u feel ur sense of equilibrium flow out of u and u feel horrible, spiritually, emotionaly, even phisicly.physically and u panic bc u feel ur life going to pot b4 ur lives. so u grab onto something. porn. booze. crack. meaningless relationships. geshmake shmoozing in the baismedresh. being mean to people. social standing with peers. bungee jumping. you name it, and ppl r clinging to it for dear life. trying to stay relevant in this mess of a world.
but if u just stop STOP STOP STOP
STOP
and breath in, breath out. and look around you. u will see that we are here in this world. we are here, present. hopefully healthy. and yes it sucks. there are terrible things going on around us. parent die with out warning. siblings waste away before tour eyes. ppl are dying, starving, and worse. but its the world we live in. and its REAL and we can DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. we can help people. we can listen to people who are crying. we can do some much.

im starting to just ramble here so ill bring it all home

living in the moment, doing the best we can w/o despairing might be the hardest thing i ever have to do. because i cant "do" like i eat breakfast, or do my laundry. doing this thing is a constant endeavor. its living life. and we wont always do it right. wont always be doing it the way we should be. but thats the beauty of it, each and every moment is a new opportunity to DO IT. to live the way we are suppose to.

even as i finish up writing this i am worrying about the future. but im trying. and i will keep trying. at least i hope i will

when crap happens in my life, i will learn to deal with it. examine it and to experience it, but not let it wash me away

when the world feels like it is imploding on its self, i will reach out to god, to others to u guys, and huddle up in a corner and wait it out.

i will be here/there for people who need me. consider this my invitation to any1 here who needs some1 to talk to. ANY1 here. u need some1 to talk to, u PM me and ill give u my number. ik its weird for some of you (heck its weird for me still) but im here, and i couldn’t be more honest if i tried for the rest of my life.

and lastly, i will try to be happy. i will try to smile, and try to make other people smile.

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in other more mundane news, for some reason, idk why, i am really bummed out bc i just heard my classmate from high school, who is like 2 years younger than me, is engaged. i would never have thought hed be married b4 me. and im kinda jealous we weren’t very close and he use to anoy me. he was very immature and he got on my nerves a lot. wen we left high school we were friends but we have not stayed in touch. and hearing this just touched a nerve. like im angry almost that im not married yet and he is, that his life is progressing the way i want mine.
im saying this to let it out and hoping it goes away. deep down i know im happy for him, and i need to work on feeling that

anyhow, thats bout it. clean for a day. this day, only day that matters

peace

Great post RY!
Thank you!

Reb Yid.

I really like your writing style.

I find it very similar to my own, your way of thinking at least.

You might have a better way of expressing yourself...

Reading between the lines:

You seem to understand very well.

But no action.

We need to be forced into action.


Looks to me that Hashem is in the process of forcing you to action.

Nu nu, you'll get there.

and so it begins.

now i must put my money where my keyboard is

while one might have looked at my week and would say it is not one to be proud of, on the other hand, im still here

in the present

im sober

im sain

i wasnt sober or sain an hour ago

i might not be sain an hour from now

but im sain
right
now

and that makes me feel..
hopeful

the hope that i feel is not like the hope portrayed in the movies
a change in attitude is not controlled by the wave of the mistros baton

it starts on a cellular level. its something that can be missed if not dwelled upon
but its there. you just have to look for it

to be continued.....

The definition of hope - the tension between a desire for the absolute and knowledge for how to preserve it, which is not materially to achieve it.

b'hatzlachah

its tough,

we all strive for meaning and purpose in everything we do, but sometimes we are just in a rut where nothing seems to be meaningful. nothing we are doing seems to satisfies our need to live, to grow, to be relevant.
like i can write a hole big huge post, poring my life and energy into it, and then go to bed and masturbate the next morning right wen i wake up

we all fall , right? and evryone on this site knows that feeling. that you feel like you have lost it all. likes its over. and then you get that email, or that messege from a friend, franticly trying to pick up the pieces of your broken soul. because A they know the feeling, but B because they know the only thing to do after that is to move on. to take the next step foward.

I'm not getting down about it, it just bothers me that human beings are capable of such fickleness. one second having such clarity, and the next forgetting all about it.

maybe this is all part of the test.

I sometimes view life challenges as being very climactic, pivotal moments in our life. I picture our selves walking down the street and being accosted by a prostitute, or having a gun to our head. being put in a moment of intense choice. what will I do? the suspense builds, and we make the choice, for good or bad.

but what if a test was merely the decision to move forward in the face of nothingness. in the face of seemingly ordinary,normal everyday circumstances. we wake up and go to work, yeshiva, feeling ok, but not great. but doubts barrage us at the speed of light, casting confusion and disaray onto our very soul. all very subtle, but very real nonetheless. the subtlty itself unerves me, because we cant quite put our fingure on whats the matter, but its there. and we dont know what to do. see if it was big and dramatic, we would have a clear , but hard, choice. when its the later, we dont even know what is the right choice. there are no clear cut answers, no true sighs of which way to go. we have our gut, our instincts, but were doubt them.
all we can do IS to move forward and do the best we can. finding the knowledge we desire is a journey, not something we can Google or read in a book
and that is absolutely terrifying
but its the truth. and its all we got

i hope what im saying is relevent to you all. i can only truely speak for my self, btu i share my thoughts in hope they will give others hope, comfort, insight into your own struggles and lives.

anyway. stay strong, im here for you

Yup! We live a life where we BLOW everything up. Everything is HUGE to us. We live a life fantasy where that girl is superhot and does exactly what I want to do.

But that isn't real. It's pure illusion. Life is really not that grand but life can be beautiful.

We just have to chill and try on a different size

Oy my dear friend, oy oy oy.

Really. Did you read my thread? I have 40 something pages of what you're doing here. Epiphanies that are endlessly deep. Ideas that filled me with understanding. Exhilarating highs, dark dark lows. I've been there my friend, overdramatizing my life as much as possible while watching my anonymity. Laughing at all the cute little hints that I threw in that almost no one would understand. Imagining the deep feelings my posts would generate in others. Admiring my writing style.


DUDE.

ELOKIM ASAH ESS HAADAM YASHAR!
HEIM BIKSHU CHESHBONOS RABBIM!

WE CAN DRAMATIZE HOWEVER WE WANT. WE CAN LIVE IN IMAGINATION AND ROMANCE.

we can also wake up and smell the coffee.

Here's what the coffee smells like. My coffee stinks, the milk is not good, maybe someone put in rotten tomatoes, maybe I can use a MUFFI"N on the side [Gevura will explain all the jokes to you]. What does good coffee smell like?

AH, I must go to someone that HAS good coffee. That has sobriety. I must throw myself to his feet and ask him MORI V'RABBI! [Yes, even if he's an ammaretz or a goy] How in the world did you do it?! I understand all of the concepts. I obviously have no idea how to APPLY them in my life!!! HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU MANAGE TO APPLY THEM???!!!!

AH... FREEDOM!

Thanks TZ.

I finally understood one of your sentences.

Who needs coffee? Abi MeLeibt!!!

I'll let TZ explain that one...

How's it going Reb Yid?

nothing to say but felt like i needed to say something.

have a good shabbos evry1

"you have to let go and let god" "we are not in control, or else we wouldn't be in our predicament" " you have to surrender the fight to god"

quotes like this and similar are littered all around this wonderful website; telling us to let go and let god take care of it all. to paraphrase every other sentence of Dovs, we have to stop trying to control our lives and beat this thing our selves and instead give the battle over to god, letting him handle it.

i do not think i have ever been more troubled and confused about another idea or concept ever in my life more then this one.

ive been told my entire life by my rabbis, my parents, everyone, that we are here to make something of our selves, to use the tool and gifts we got to make this world and ourselves a better place. and if we chose not to use our tools in the proper way, we will be punished for it, now or later.

now this might sound very black and white and cold, and believe me im am the exact opposite kind of person, but deep down i try to live my life like this. i can be fun and care free. most people know me as the chilled out laid back type of guy. but deep down i have this undying sense of purpose, a purpose that i embarrassingly neglect and lock in the closet on many an occasion. my only comfort was that i always feel terrible after. and always am very harsh on my self in the wake of a defeat. i tell my self that if im strict and hard on my self, it will get me to do better. if i give in to the urge to reasure my self that it will all be ok, that everything will work out, then i will delude my self into a false sense of security and end of a failure.

so then we get to the last 12 years of my life, living withe the fact that im doing the worst avera possible multiple times aday, everyday, and the guilt builds up. slowly over time, more and more, steadily pilling on day after day, month after month, year after year, and you might think i would just snap or something, but i dont, i just keep moving on. and the sad thing is i dont even know why i haven't ended it yet, but i havent

and then i find this wonderful site, with these wonderful and understanding people. and they are saying all the right things, all the right words to make me feel better. but yet i still can kick it. and then i ask my self the question that we all ask ourselves after we get to this site, "am i an adict?" do i really have this problem?"
and we rationalize it. " well, honestly besides the guilt and depression it hasent affected my life. i havent thrown money down the drain, i haven't hurt anyone besides my neshama. im not in phisicle danger." and then we say" and it hasent really gotten worse, im nto going to stripe clubs or doing phone sex" but the fact of the matter is, i have ye t been able to stop, so while i might not be as worse of as some other people B"H, i definitely have a problem. and then you start to think " oye vey im such a nebach, i cant have this problem, people will look down upon me, how can i get married? who will accept me for who i am?" but non of these question are relevant to the fact that i am not IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE (we have come full circle)

so, the question of the night, if im NOT in control, then how can i be held accountable for my actions? and if i am indeed held accountable, then why cant i stop? so then you will tell me i have to let god take care of it, but yoo hoo, hes the one making me this way in the first place?!?! and last i checked there isnt a "let god handle it" switch on my body!? when im lying in bed at 3:00am and i have my phone and laptop locked up so i cant look or watch anything triggering, or even better, when it 4 m on a shabbos and im lying in bed and i cant stop my hand form going bellow my waste, and the thoughts and urges and feelings of despair and hopelessness and washing over me like Niagara falls, and i look up to the ceiling and say "god help me" feeling like im the biggest looser and hypocrite in the world, and then giving in 30 seconds later, what is there to be done about that? huh? cant put filter on my penis and brain?
and i keep stopping my self from asking "what can I DO?" because evry1 says you have to stop DOING and surrender, but then i leave my self open to just letting it happen?

i have to surrender, but i still have to refrain, something i could not do when i was fighting it, so now that im not fighting it, i will refrain.......? see the logic there? i dont

as of know, im am at the mercy of my emotions. if im having a good day, i dont have that much of a problem, like these past couple of days. but when the bad days come, i literally get scared of them. they frighten me, because there is nothing for me to do. i cant make the guilt and shame and depression go away, no matter what i tell my self. and i dnt want to sound so messed up, because overall i don't think i am, but if im truly honest, the lack of controll over the bad days shadows over the good that is in my life
so you can see why these questions of control are on the forefront of my mind.

anywho, lyla tov brothers

Go to the dov quotes page here guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-Wall-of-Honor/124072-Dov-Quotes (it's also in my signature).

Search for the word surrender and you will find several posts from dov on the subject.

Then come back and "talk" about it.