I had a few experiences last week which changed my view of the struggle.

One night, I had a nocturnal emission. I cannot remember the last time that that happened. I was very angry. I was more than 90 days clean. The past few days, I had been doing well with thoughts. I had a trigger at work - no fault of mine, but I had kept her out of my mind as well as I could. In fact, I even remember my dream - it was not at all sexual! I think that it was just too hot in the room! How could Hashem do such a thing to me!! I have been trying so hard!

Eventually, I calmed down. It's nothing to worry about. I AM NOT PERFECT. FORGET ABOUT PERFECTION. I have been trying hard, maybe I could try harder, maybe not. But whichever way, I am not perfectly pure and holy. It doesn't matter. I just need to do my bit. This is how Hashem accepts me. I should just accept my own imperfection.

So I got up, went to the mikve, davened to Hashem that I should be a bit more pure, and got on with my day.


The second event was at work. A very provocatively dressed young lady came. I was feverishly thinking of a way which I would be the one to deal with her. I managed to overcome my impulse, and did nothing. In the end, I was asked to deal with her. Inside, I was happy. I dealt with her, not looking much, but it was still a very triggering experience. The truth is, I could have easily avoided this had I wanted to. Afterwards, I was racked by guilt. Why did I not avoid dealing with her? Or maybe no, I was just at work, doing my duties. I did not run to the lust. So was I guilty or not? I was torn? Was this a fall?

In the end, I decided that all of this was totally irrelevant. This girl was poison for me. For the me this is only pain. Whether or not I was justified, is not the issue. I am imperfect, I have this problem, and for pure pain avoidance, I need to avoid these situations. Otherwise there will be days of tortuous conflict as I have to push her out of my mind. No gain, only pain. ( As it happens, I used Dov's segulah of davening for her - she must be very unhappy to dress in this way. I davened that she should be happy so she does't feel a need to dress this way. This made it easier). So next time, may Hashem give me wisdom to avoid this suffering. And if there is no way to avoid it, then I must accept it as Hashem's will, and use it to turn closer to Him.

The third realisation was on Shabbos davening, when we ask וטהר לבנו לעבדך באמת. I had always understood this as meaning that at the moment there are contradictions in my behaviour, that I am imperfect, and that I am asking Hashem to perfect me so that these contradictions will not exist and then I shall be able to serve Hashem truly.
Now I understood it differently. I am asking Hashem that I should not falsely believe that I am perfect when serving Him, but that I should be honest and truthful about my imperfection while I am trying to draw close to Him.

Thank you for listening!

Imperfection, I don’t consider this as a fall at all. I consider you as a navy-seal on the ground that just got little hurt. Pick up yourself and continue to fight!! For more, see my post to a new comer here

One of "Hashems Beloved Child"ren on this holy website

I also get nocturnal emissions (they may be different but same principle) There is nothing we can do about them so just forget about it. Just keep sticking to our program!

For sure not a fall in my book.

Great observations. Keep on trying - I hear you doing all the right things.

hi imperfection(human being honest)!!

your doing great as the others have said if your being so careful you are on the right track of course we are not totally pure but thats not what we need to do we need to keep on dealing with our issues in a productive way and you are doing so.

so keep up the great work and don't be down !!!!

I can't seem to get this girl out of my mind.

It seems ridiculous, since I spoke to her for less than 10 minutes, in a totally professional context.

The truth is, that she fulfilled my stupid fantasies. It was 10 minutes, but the culmination of years of warped thinking. I am trying to think of it as Hashem's way of getting this out my system, that I should not lust after this.

The honest truth is though, despite all my regrets at having dealt with her, that I think I would do the same again. Despite all the pain and suffering that it has caused.

I almost fell on the internet today. I started to type in a search. I stopped. Maybe this is a fall. Well, rightly or wrongly, I did not register a fall. But I am very close.

The truth is, that already yesterday I decided that I would look at images on the internet if it would help to relieve the tension. But I know that it won't help, so so far I have not fallen.

Please daven for me.

Hi Reb Imp,
I know the feeling of having a fishing hook deep in my guts as the YH starts reeling me in slowly.
Sometimes in fishing with the hook in so deep, the fish gets badly injured when he fights to escape and rip out the hook. BUT with us and the YH, as painful as it is to rip out the hook, WE ARE NOT INJURED, rather we are strengthened.
I am davening for you.

When the tayvah comes a brewin'
And the desires begin to stirrin'
Need a checklist of actions to do some churnin'
To get rid of this fire that's burnin'

Nothin' to be gained by lettin' in da little sneak
He will never be satisfied with just one click or quick peek
So throw him da hell out! Let him prowl on da weak!
I am a "12 stepper" and a strong GYE Geek!

So in conclusion for now, for that's all that counts
I have the wherewithal to give him that bounce
I will go on with life to a life that is full
Not the one ha has in mind, for that's a bunch of bull!

Don't play the "is it a fall or isn't it a fall" game. It's just a distraction. Keep living right, and KOT!

I wonderful happened to me.
I was thinking about a reply I received from a post about "divided living"
I was thinking that he was "compartmentalising" his life, thinking of lust as a seperate problem.
I was reminded that I was doing exactly the same thing!!
I then decided - I am accepting Hashem into my life, no matter what. I will no longer resist Him. I will work on the anger, the resentment.
All of a sudden, like magic, I didn't care about this girl anymore. Occasionally she pops back into my head, but with no power.

Thank you for all your support!

Glad you are doing better. May I humbly suggest that you stop obsessing (forgive me if that sounds like a harsh word) and start living. We have all been there, and it does not help. You are doing great - keep on trucking and making progress one step at a time.

Thank you

I do agree that I have been "obsessing", and that is what I am learning not to do - not to focus too much on lust, but on living

Thank you again!!

Thank YOU for posting - its a great chizuk to all of us. Keep it up Imp.