Hello my friends,
Help! I just had a pretty big fall! I signed up here last summer and I got to 91 days, had a fall (no m'zl though), then another 60 days or so, had another fall (that time m'zl) and now yesterday and today I had two falls in a row!! I feel really bad about it. I know you will all say I've done really well and I shouldn't be too hard on myself but I really do want to rid myself of this, so here I am venting to you all.

I am realizing more than ever that the main issue is my computer at work. I work in a big company and everything has to go through the IT department. They have a filter, but mainly for security issues and for real explicit stuff, but it certainly doesn't block out news sites and ads, and google searches, etc. So I realize now that no matter how much I post, read the chizuk emails, sooner or later I'm bound to go check out the same old trigger sites, and it'll be a downhill battle from there.

A few months ago I actually asked IT if I could have internet disabled on my computer (I billed it as that internet is distracting to my work - which it is!) but they told me that since everything is standardized they couldn't do it. I want to go to them now and ask that I can download a filter like K9, and I would have my wife be the gatekeeper (I am very soon getting a laptop, so I could in theory block everything and whitelist what I need and she would have the password). I have a meeting with IT tomorrow but I'm afraid he's not going to be able to help me. If he can't, WHAT SHOULD I DO??? I don't think I can whiteknuckle my way through my career! And even with turning the monitor so all passing by can see in, but there are days when I stay late, etc. which that wouldn't help. Any ideas????!!!

Thank you my friends for your support!

hi ben torah!

i actually have been there many times i went for more then a year and then fell its actually a reality test/check, reminding us that we really have these issues and need to work them out not just keep clean but still lusting for example, i learnt that the struggle has to be handled from the root of the problem not just the actual fall or not.

and remember that every thing you did overcome is still there never gets lost

kol tuv!

Thanks, dd! I appreciate anyone's comments---others feel free to add! (Although I guess I should post more if I expect people to be m'chazeik me!)

Here's my addition:
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+1
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2

If your computer at work was not an issue, would you be ok, or would you still have a problem?

There are many nisyonos out there. It is important to limit them as much as possible, but it is also important to learn to deal with them.

First off: Hi, Welcome back its great to have you here

Second off: Take a deep breath!! relax, everything is going to be ok!!!!

Is there more to this than a filter or "being clean"? How's life? Hows your connection with Hashem?

Check out Skep's tips, they have really helped me:

welcome

and Gibbor...that's why I'm a little bit on an anti-filter binge.

b'hatzlachah

Tehillim- ha, ha, very funny...
Gibbor - that's a good question. I think not having access at work will be a big help. I do think you're right though, that I can't expect that to solve the issue, and that every so often I will feel strong urges no matter what is available to me. But, right now, the internet access at work is being a real big pull for me and I'm feeling irresistable urges to see things I used to. I also want to be able to talk to my children as they get older about things like internet and how can I justify having access at work without any kind of filter (that works for a frum person), yet teach them that a person shouldn't put themselves into a nisayon?

Thanks guys for your additional comments!
Dms: Life is really wonderful. Thank G-d, I have a good relationship with my wife and children, I have a chavrusa and regular learning schedules. I have always had a difficult time concentrating in davening, and I've gone in waves with talking to Hashem - sometimes it's strong and other times I feel lazy. I think I'm a perfectionist my nature, and I have sensitive feelings, so I tend to get down when a fall like this happens. I tend to think that I want to be totally clean otherwise how can I possible teach my children about these topics and not feel like a hypocrite? Or, maybe I'm being naive, and that it's not a contradiction to teach perfection even if one isn't perfect (??) L'maisa, I do give myself credit that I've done very well over the last few months, but for some reason I got very triggered these last few days and just went back into "old habits" mode...

You have a great opportunity!

You have the ability to teach your kids that nobody is perfect, not even you.
You have the ability to teach them that even with imperfections, we need to to do our best to do the right things in all circumstances.
You have the ability to teach them that we can't always hide from situations that make our lives difficult, but we still need to strive to make the right decisions, when we find ourselves in them.

These are incredible and powerful lessons to teach our kids.

Hatzlacha!

Hey there bentorahyy!!!

It's good to see you back, not the reason that you came back, but that you're here!!!!!!

So, gibor has brought out a good point (as usual), and that is that there comes a time when there needs to be a change of plan. As Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.

Are we not doing the same things when we put on strong filters, make taphsiks, holding ourselves back for 90 days, etc. yet not even looking at the fact that the lust is coming from inside us, not outside us?

I loved to think that it would just be quieted if it didn't have any way to get out, but it didn't, and maybe because there are always places to get lust, 1) The streets 2) At home 3) My imagination. So I'm never going be able to stop the opportunities to act out, it's the insides that is the clincher.

One of the things that I find to be the most helpful is my talking to friends, because I can't change my insides by myself, I can't fight myself, but when I get out of my head and talk to friends (and to Hashem) then I am atively going away from the problem, not just trying to suppress it.

Have you opened up?

Skeptical: thank you so much for your words. I think by nature I tend to think in order to be a good parent I need to be perfect, that my kids should never see me make mistakes or hear about me making mistakes - it's something I guess I fear. Maybe I'm afraid myself of making mistakes. Not sure why, maybe it's best not to analyze.

Pidaini: it is good to be back. I see what you're saying. I could have the strongest filter and still feel urges of lust. The proof is from my early yeshiva days when I didn't have any access to internet and I still found things to see, read, or my imagination. I definitely hear you on that. I still think though I should make a valiant effort to have a filter put on my computer - I do still think that obvious triggers we can remove, the better, especially when it's such an easily accessible one. But then the question becomes: if they can't put a filter on, what do I do? Is this just a sign that I need to learn to live with internet on my computer and learn to not give in? That I must need help from other sources? I guess the question is, do the emails, posting, 90-day chart, etc. do enough for me, or do I need something more? The fact that I fell says I need more, something in-person, but another side of me says, you went for long streaks, you just need to keep up the chizuk, and anyway, things like the in-person groups are for people who have much bigger problems! I'm not really sure which way to go.

bentorahyy wrote:


I couldn't agree more!!!

bentorahyy wrote:


I have a different question, because based on what you wrote right before that " I could have the strongest filter and still feel urges of lust. The proof is from my early yeshiva days when I didn't have any access to internet and I still found things to see, read, or my imagination."

My question is even if they do install a filter, What do I do?

And it seems you really know the answer as

bentorahyy wrote:


after all, we all have bechirah, two sides fighting against each other. This one has to come from yourself, and the question is, How much do you want to stop? is the problem big enough for you that you will get outside help, or is it still survivable the way it is now? There is no minimum level of acting out that a person has to reach in order to be accepted into the "reaching out" group! Yes, it helps for people with bigger problems, but it can certainly help you as well!!

So, ask yourself honestly, "How much do I want to stop, what am I willing to do in order to stop?"

You're worth it, my friend!!!! You deserve to enjoy life to the max, to grow the way you really want to!!!!

hi bentorah!!

i too told myself that my issues are not so big so i dont need to reach out to other people big mistake i learnt that even if my falls were not big or often my issues need to be taken care of, i went for more then a year in the past but i didnt really get a grip of myself i was still lusting so i recently started opening up to guys on the site and it works wonders b"h.

so dont hesitate its worth while go ahead

kol tuv KUTGW

Update: The last few weeks have been with ups and downs. My wife needed to be away for a bit of time recently and at first I was doing great. But then one day at work I let things slip and it was downhill from there. I felt terrible - I had two falls in one day!! I thought things were going great, was shocked at myself. Around the same time, I spoke again to I.T. and they said they can't block internet nor allow me to download a filter for my computer (there is still one chance though he may be able to, but I'm not counting on it). It's a little weird - you'd think that companies would be better off - I bet there are lots and lots of employees that get stuck surfing, wasting time, looking at wrong things.... but - that's America today.

So I realized that, like some of you mentioned above, I can't focus so much on the "outside" methods, and need to focus more on my insides. I realized that what was working for a while stopped working, and that I needed to utilize some more of what GYE has to offer. So I looked into Taphsic - I composed a shvua that I think will work and I vetted it with the GYE Admin. I am hopeful this will make falling painful enough that it will shock me into needing to think before I do something I'll regret.

On the other hand - not having a filter at work - forever - still does scare me a little. I don't know - maybe, hopefully, using things like Taphsic, etc. will work well. On the other hand, based on past experience, it still may be only a matter of time until something triggers me, or I've been apart from my wife, or something, and having a computer without a filter (it has a filter, just only one made by the company) will continue to gnaw at me until I give in. Or maybe I'm being too worried - I don't know. Should I quit my job??? Most of me says, no, you have to figure out methods for yourself that keeps you in line. But a little part of me is worried that with status quo at work it will make things so much harder to get better. Thoughts appreciated!!