Hi, I wrote this last night…bit of ranting.

Not only have I conditioned myself to only get hard enough to orgasm, I've also conditioned myself to masturbate when ever I thin about sex. There is no need for this. One doesn't need to lead to the other, nor do I have to focus on sexual thoughts!

Why is it that right before I go to sleep/when I get into bed, at that time I masturbate. Is it to relax…I didn't feel relax, I feel stressed out for given in. Often I can't sleep after I masturbate at night so is self defeating exercise.

I hear what you are saying... I went through that a lot myself... in bed, "nobody's looking", got nothing else to do, I know it's wrong, but boy doesn't it feel good. And then the next morning I felt like I had been up half the night! (Oh, and by the way, all the so-called justifications for acting out all turned out to be complete bunk.)

My question to you is, do you really feel like, as you say, "There is no need for this"? I used to tell myself that after-the-fact a lot, but I realize now it was just a way of assauging my aching conscience for having just fallen. Honestly, doing that, I was just enabling myself... what I really needed to do, and b"H, I've gone a ways in this direction lately, is focusing on what I've been doing and especially thinking (even though it's disgusting), not labelling myself as anything (e.g. "bad", "sinner"), and honestly probing into my kishkes as to why I am doing this - the answer for me was almost always "escape". When I was able to start doing this, I started making some *real* progress.

And almost certainly, both you and I need to do more than what I just said... but I guess I'm considering what I just said as a necessary foundation, and to build from there.

May Hashem grant you hatzlacha rabba in all your worthy efforts.

Thanks for you response.

I wrote that after I had fallen. When I am in that "mindset" I can't rationally think of something else, i.e.: call someone, go online and talk to someone, draw; because I am so wrapped up in the fantasy (I've been staying away from porn recently) that I can't hit the switch off.

I don't label myself bad or a sinner. I'm an addict so I have no control. However that sometimes becomes an excuse to do it because "I can't help my self".

One of my past doctors told me that I was sing masturbation as an escape too but I haven't honestly probed my kishkes to find the answer but I am starting too.

I hear that... when someone has engrained certain ways of thinking and acting in themselves, it can take a lot of time and effort to even start to turn it around. Please keep at it though, because every little bit of effort does make a difference, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

Have a great Shabbos.