Ok, I looked at bad stuff online. Didn't masturbate, but was rubbing down there. I need to up the ante against my yetzer hara. But I feel so terrible.

My wife and I decided that I would speak with my rebbe when I fell (and give a weekly update as well) and that I should come on this site more often. As she can't understand the struggle and telling her only led to horrible fights and no productive changes, we agreed that my rebbe was the best person to talk to as he is a man and will not personalize my failures. She agreed to checking with my rebbe that I'm actually calling him but that's it; she cannot receive any information on what we talk about during our calls. I still feel terrible though. Honestly, I almost feel as if I'm cheating on her, although I know I'm not actually. I feel so low and like I'm hiding it from her although we decided this was the best way to go about it for now.

I had two horrifying realizations. Firstly, while I'm doing what I'm doing, I really want to look. It's like there's some other part of me, removed almost, that says this is terrible, but I feel like the true me wants to look. Sort of like Jimminy Cricket in Pinocchio. The desire for good is extrinsic, while my base animal extincts is the real me. I am so frightened that this is who I have become. While I have had some nominal success, and I am certainly better than before (before my commitment I masturbated ten or more times a week whereas I have only masturbated at most ten times since this past March), I feel so lousy.

Secondly, what worries me most is that in a week I'll forget my self-loathing. I'll be "ok" again and at risk. While self-loathing isn't good, I need to grow from this incident. Maybe I need to take something new on in this struggle, a new safeguard to protect me.

Is the road to success paved with so many failures? I feel so worthless.

So please, I beg of you all: now what?

I'm not sure if I ever welcomed you, so WELCOME!

What have you tried so far? What is your story? Have you read the handbook? What did your rebbi say? Does anyone know besides your wife and rebbi?

TO first answer the title.......Fell shmell!!! GET UP AND KEEP ON TRUCKING!!! No loosing hope, there is still a way!!! You will do it!!

Now, practically speaking, you probaly know of something you can do, what's with filters? Do you have a friend that you can call when you start feeling the urge? Are you in touch with anyone here through PM or email?

I learned that I need to get out of myself, myself is an extremely dangerous place to be, the more I get out, the safer I am.

It's a new day, Today is here!!! Stay SOBER just for today!! You can do it!!

I also have that feeling of not knowing who the real "me" is.
However, the closer I get to being on the right path, then I begin the feel a revulsion for inapproriate material.
In fact, my fingers used to work on automatic, finding those "favourite" sites.
Recently, I came close to falling. I stood in front of the computer, but my fingers were sort of blocked.
Then I realised the REAL me, wants good.
It is the Yetzer who is extrinsic. That is the serpent - he comes from outside. His biggest lie is that he is our real self. Don't believe him!!
And if you don't believe me, then I have a proof. Your real self must be good, otherwise what are you doing on GYE?!!

I also think of a fall as an opportunity. Hashem gave us the Yetzer, Hashem wants our prayers. Use this precious moment!! Think about how you could bring Hashem more into your life!

Looks like we have alot in common

Thinking of you

Imperfection

Hi,

Thanks for expressing so clearly the struggle to find and know yourself - that is something I battle as well but didn't know how to describe. Sometimes I am doing better but then my mind is flooded with all my old memories and images and part of me, a big part of me longs for them again, and I feel guilty - how can I pretend to be better when "I" still would love to be doing those things?? to experience them again? who am I?
The mind set I have been using to deal with this is acknowledging I did those things and they were very pleasurable etc... and I am choosing not to do them anymore because I (am trying with H'm's help) want to be in control of my life and my decisions and I am choosing right now to stay away from that darkness. I can't change the past and our experiences shape who we are but do not have to control us. I am a person who lusted and struggles with lust, but through the help of the GYE velt, and H'shem, want to make today a better brighter cleaner happier day then yesterday or the day before. I CANT CHANGE THE PAST - UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE - but how amazing is it that despite my years of sin and lusting H'shem has still let me have so much bracha and good in my life!!! I dont know why he has been so good to me but let me try to make the most of it.

Sorry for the ramblings - any other thoughts and ideas would be great.

I feel the same way. There is this serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Perhaps it will answer your question.

Forgive me, speaking for myself here, I simply can't change the fact that I am a porn addict, I have to accept it. That is me. And now comes the truth... I am helpless, the only thing I can do is to simply accept it. But I can't do even that, I have to ask Hashem to help me accept it.

I hope that makes some sense.... And I hope that you see the truth, you might be helpless, but you are not hopeless. That is important. And that is the truth!

All the best to You!