I'm done. I just fell really bad and I feel sick, I feel like i'm going to throw up. I'm done with this. I've been here before and now i'm back (see my post here guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/224093-Back-Again-and-Again-and-again)

This time I mean it. Who can help me? Cuz i'm really bad at helping myself..

Its the lust it controls me, the triggers are everywhere. I can't stop looking and then doing. I feel like i'm doomed. I'm afraid my wife will find out then i'll ruin an excellent relationship. oh gd help me.

Thanks again GYE for being here.

the saying around here is "fell shmell."
get back up to truck again!

I asked you on the other thread...didn't you write that you did not slip for a year?
how did you manage that?
what changed?
why the "doom" story?
we don't have to think about another year...just about today.

perhaps I am missing something.

plonialmoni11 wrote:

I can totally relate to every single word of yours. I once had a two year streak and then fell several times. I wish that I could help you but I need help myself. Two half helps are- what the rishonim say tzaar rabim chatzi nechama. We are all feeling your tzaar and cheering you on. Also in a way going a year and falling again should help us have an easier time not falling for the illusion that some have when they get to 90 days lemoshol and think now we're ok, only to have the reality slap them in the face. this should b'ezer Hashem give us an easier start to surrendering and starting to work the steps.

Its true I went a year without slipping.. Thats because I was totally immerssed in learning and teaching, I stayed away from a computer and I only had one that was shared with my wife.

Now i'm working (learning only one seder a day) i'm not teaching, i'm on a computer thats only mine and my wife never looks at it. I'm surrounded by triggers all day. I feel in over my head. I was never strong I just stayed the hell away, now that I cant not stay away I feel doomed.

But I guess your right one day at a time. But what i don't like about that atitude is that its constant on my mind. thats why I was never able to do the 90 day calendar. Once I just stopped fighting and immerssed myself in torah I was okay and didn't slip...

My head is filled with junk and i'm seeing images, but I will not be MZL today!!

your journey should be with hatzlachah
its difficult

some will say you are a prime candidate for 12 steps, if you are white-knuckling the entire day. I don't know.

this is why a safe computer is a must.
you don't want to have those tayvos.
if there is secure blockage that you know cannot be penetrated, the tayvah, for many people, is just not there.
the desire burns when it is available.
filters and monitors are not the solution, but they can help for many.

just as a disclaimer, I personally have stayed away from p and m for over 200 days now...without a filter or monitoring software.

KOT!....whichever way works

plonialmoni11 wrote:

Powerless????

plonialmoni11 wrote:

We all fantasize about becoming malachim and getting rid of this darned problem .....Sorry, but life is not about burying your head and ignoring the problem. Life is about acceptance.

plonialmoni11 wrote:

As Pidaini likes to ask,what is going to be different today?

In case you were wondering, I have been where you are countless times and what I am saying is stuff I learnt the hard way.

May HaShem grant us a sober and sane day.

cordnoy wrote:


Avram,you are a real inspiration.

Ploni, Avram is real proof that HaShem can do for us what we have no power to do ourselves.

You are as well!

Keep in mind though that my feelings and those of my therapist's and others are that I was not regarded as an "addict" although i have been busy with this awful stuff for over 30 @#$% years.

The tayvah is definitly there when it is available as opposed to when its not. The problem is that it is available and thats whats killing me. I have the filters but I figured a way around them.. And I can't ask my wife to get a different one...

How do you do it? When i'm left alone with a computer I almost can't not look.

Maybe I do need 12 steps.. I don't know man.

Avram,you are a real inspiration.

Ploni, Avram is real proof that HaShem can do for us what we have no power to do ourselves.[/quote]

Hashem gave us all the capability to fight this monster, Avrom somehow harnessed that power and was able to not succumb. I cannot understand how one can do that, it almost seems impossible to me....

(am i that sick, that I can't imagine someone not falling if they had the ability to?)

there are many people here that stopped

i still have tayvos....strong ones as well

some have conquered and do not have desires

i could fall in a second

the desires for porn on internet is not there now

do i see things (sometimes even actively) that are not 'kosher'? yes, but i don't go further.
i do not have a tayvah to act out myself ...pretty much any longer.
how is that?
i don't know

cordnoy wrote:


Poof it just went away... Give me some of that magic! aren't you afraid of just a weak moment? I know i'm fine most of the time, but if I didn't sleep well and I'm hungry or upset forget it! i fall so fast its crazy! What do you do?
Do you do the 12 steps?

plonialmoni11 wrote:

First of all you are in the aftermath of acting-out. When I am in that situation I am drunk; swinging between remorse, despair, determination to win, prepared to do anything. And of course in that situation you cannot even imagine how it is possible to be clean. I know this because I was in your position many times. (You can read my old “Ovadia” pots). But it is possible. For me it has been a long and slow process, for others it has been easier.

cordnoy wrote:

Avrom, do you know why you acted out for all those years? I mean, obviously you had some pleasure and enjoyment from it. So do most normal people. But it got to the point when it was killing us, driving us to despair, and we still could not stop. So, why did we continue?

I don’t know.

I think that sobriety is the same as the acting out. It is not something that makes sense. It is a gift from HaShem.

firstly, i was into more serious stuff, so perhaps that helped alleviate some of it.

secondly, the chevra here was persistent with me

thirdly, i have a therapist that i open up to

some would like me to say that tefillos helped, but i am not a good davener

Hey there Ploni, sorry I didn't have a chance to respond until now.

Don't take this the wrong way (not that I know of any two, but take it with the understanding that I am writing it with), why do you want to be clean? Chesky wrote it, and I too have lead a large part of my life (which isn't so long) fighting that way "I don't want to have to deal with this!!!"

I learned that that too is a fantasy, we are here for a purpose, that purpose is to do what hashem wants of us. He wants us to have thoughts of lust and for us to find a way how to continue living even though those thoughts are in our heads!!

It was my self centeredness that wanted to be clean of those thoughts, becuase those thoughts aren't in my control iin the first place, so then why was I getting upset that they were there? Hashem put them there, for He wants me to serve Him by continuing living Real life even though they are there!!!

You are amongst friends, people who understand you, who have been where you are!! You can free yourself from falling, THAT is something you can change. Thoughts, computers, other things, they are always available, that is not the thing you have to change.

KOT brother!!! and KOP(osting)!!!!!


oh, and what is going to be different today? or tomorrow?