Hi.
I don't know whether I should share my story or not, but I think it is supposed to help you if you tell it. And I think it will help me to put it out in the open. There is only 1 other person I have told this to and it is a therapist that I went to see about 8 months ago. It was very beneficial to finally speak out loud about this things, and really helped me to move along the road towards recovery. I'm not there yet (not by a long shot) but am better then I was and I have faith I will get there in the end.
I'm sure many people here will see familiar elements of their story in mine. Anyway, this is it:
I am now 31 years old. I first started looking at internet material when I was about 16years old. My parents obviously had no idea. Computers in the home were new, and the internet had only just been born. And of course, my parents are from the previous generation. They don't know what the internet can do. Even now most parents are unaware. It’s a dangerous situation.
I looked at the material irregularly over the years. Looking back now I'm sure this behaviour was laying the groundwork for future problems but at the time the problem didn't seem so serious. When I became about 24 the problem started to get serious. I was studying in a yeshiva then, and every weekend I would leave for a few hours, and find an internet cafe where I could look at internet material. Then I would go back to yeshiva as if nothing had happened. It was weird. It was like I had 2 separate lives. The me in yeshiva would never go and look at that stuff, and yet for a few hours every Friday I did.
After leaving yeshiva at about 25 I entered the workforce. Over the years since then my habit got progressively worse and worse. Until when I was about 29 it led to the worst kind of behaviours possible. I don't think it is appropriate to put my actions into words. I don't want to put imagery in others minds, especially not people who are struggling with this like I am. The terrible behaviours continued on/off for the next 2 years until earlier this year I was at the lowest point.
Something snapped in me and I said I can't do this anymore. It has to stop. I looked up a therapist and booked in. I saw the therapist for about 3 months before I stopped going (it's quite expensive). I don't know how beneficial the therapy was, this therapist didn't really talk much. But the huge benefit for me was finally being able to talk about it. The greatest pain is carrying this double life with you. People say I'm such a nice guy, meanwhile inside I'm dying from shame. What if my parents knew, my siblings, my friends, community? No one would believe it. The truth is I don't even believe it. I used to live a double-life.
Through spending time with the therapist, and a lot of introspection I know that these behaviours relate to other issues. The internet has become like a crutch, a way to escape from the tough times I face in my life. Everybody has challenges in life, and I have mine. Escaping to internet material has only made me put off facing those challenges, deferring the pain that facing them will cause – although putting off facing them only increases the pain. As a result I have stagnated in my life. And this has fed the addiction. It became a self-perpetuating loop. I had to feed my habit to escape from a stagnating life.
But now I am on the mend. It’s not easy. I have robust filters installed on my laptop which I must have for work purposes. I’ve removed another internet device that I used to use. My phone is not connected to the internet and I have no intention of getting one that can connect to the internet. The biggest step was recognising that I have a problem. I wasn’t mostly OK and just slipped occasionally as I used to tell myself. Once I recognised I had problem somehow it made dealing with it easier. More achievable. I read a whole bunch of psychological books, and books about goal-setting and goal-achieving. They have been very helpful.
Goal-setting theory says that to achieve your goals they need to be defined, achievable, and written. I wrote down 7 goals to achieve and beating this habit was #1. This is the goal I am totally focussed on. I cannot fail, because failure is not an option.
I can’t change the past. Those actions will live with me forever. I will probably be doing teshuva on them until the day I die. But tomorrow the sun will rise and it will be a new day. A new beginning. Hashem has thrown me this test, but he wouldn’t have given it to me unless he thought I could pass. I can and I will.
This reminds me of the famous gemara (sukkah 52a):
Rabbi Yehuda lectured: In the future, Hashem will take the yetzer hara and slaughter him in the presence of both the tzaddikim and the reshaim [wicked ones]. To the tzaddikim he will appear like a high mountain and to the reshaim he will appear like a thin hair. Both, however, will cry. The tzaddikim will cry "How could we have overpowered such a high mountain?" and the reshaim will cry: "How could we not have subdued such a thin hair?"
We on this site know how big a mountain the yetzer harah is. But we will conquer it. And then we will cry, “How could we have overpowered such a high mountain?” With Hashem’s help, and each other’s support.
Warning: Spoiler!
