Well, its been a while since Ive been here. A long while. Maybe you remember me, maybe its been too long. Years ago I had the good fortune of maintaining a 3+ year streak of being clean. I was in yeshiva then and had the clarity and focus to be able to turn to Hakadosh Baruch Hu every day in hisbodedus and beg him to keep me tahor. When I got engaged, at some point that streak ended and I broke a number of times. I worked as hard as I could and maintained a good streak, maybe six months into marriage. But things were just different. No longer being able to completely close of my mind from sexuality was a new world. And that world stopped me from using my usual techniques of fighting. Then, I began having fights in my marriage, my wife put on weight and became unattractive to me. For the most part I am not really interested in her. Im depressed, worried, and unhappy. If I could choose, I would just drop sex entirely. This is the world I knew nothing about as a single. And I have no idea how to handle it. Ive had good streaks and bad streaks on and off over the two years of our marriage. I almost dont care to fight anymore. I dont feel Hashem anymore. The distance is so painful. I try to talk to him but the feeling isnt there. I almost wish I just didnt care at all. But I do. And I miss him. And His distance kills me.......and I have no answers. My world is mo lobger what it used to be. I dont know what Im looking for, but I know I dont have it, and it is painful. Where to turn? What to do? The questions are endless. So Im just standing on this road, waiting to see where God brings me. But I figured that starting the car and coming back to this place of kedusha will re-open my eyes. Will you take me back Hashem? Teach me your ways of kedusha in marriage like you granted me in singlehood through your messengers, your malachim in this group? I'm listening.

Welcome back, chaver!

It pains me to read your post. I wish I could help you. But I think you need to take the first step and pull yourself together. As for your marriage issues, perhaps some marriage counseling would help you. As for your issues with Hashem, it may just be a mistake on your part to think that Hashem has distanced Himself from you. I would dare say that he is right there at your side, waiting for you to join Him. Why not try speaking to Him regularly, asking for His assistance and for clarity in your life.
לב נשבר ונדכה אלקים לא תבזה
Hashem does not forsake the tefilos of a broken-hearted person.
יותר ממה שהעגל רוצה לינק, פרה רוצה להניק
More than the calf wants to receive, the cow wants to give.

Please hang around here and see how so many broken souls have managed to improve their situation. And hopefully you will join the ranks of satisfied GYE customers.

Hatzlacha & Good Shabbos,

MT

Thanks Machshovo,

I will keep trying, although I can barely open my mouth to talk to Him. It feels like he doesn't want to hear me. And a large part of me feels like I deserve that, that I am undeserving of his love, or good in my life. Marriage counseling hasn't done what I thought it would, we stopped going and things are just quiet, not up or down, just static, empty. I'm back here hanging on by my nails in hopes of improvement, but it just doesn't feel like there's much to hope for. I'm opening the door for Him, I know I'm the one who closed it. Hopefully he'll come back in or at least make his presence known. I desperately need Him in order to improve at all, cant bear to think about anything otherwise.

Welcome back shmiras!!

I don't remember you, I'm only here about 10 months myself. It's awesome that you came back, and are looking for help!!

You're story sounds extremly dificult, but one thing that I can relate with is feeling distanced from Hashem, feeling undeserving, and all the other self-denegrating feelings.

In a way those feelings used to actually save me from severe depression, for they told me that I was still upset about those things, whereas others didn't even care about them anymore.

But on the other hand it was all a mistake.

What it really was was that I wasn't ready to open my mouth and hear what i was going to say. I wasn't ready to accept myself, to accept who I really was. So I silenced the pain with saying that I was still ok because it bothered me. If I would have told myself that Hashem loves me and accepts me the way I am and that I can talk to Him without anything in the way, then I would have had to accept myself as well, and dealt with it. One thing I found is that I can always talk to Hashem no matter where I am at.

If you were indeed able to stay away from all lust during your yeshivah days, then it may be that you never really accepted the fact that you have a serious problem.

Have you opened up to anyone?