Hi, I'm a recent baal teshuva of about 11 months. One of the hardest things for me right now and the thing I feel most compelled to work on is shomer habris. When I was secular I would be "acting up" multiple multiple (a lot) times a day. I didn't think anything was wrong with it. When I learned about yiddieshkeit and dafqa shomer habris, it was like a 180 flip from my predominantly hedonistic outlook.

I've had 2 big streaks, 1 for about 150 days and 1 for about 90 days. I fell several times in between the two streaks, right before I came to yeshiva in e"y. Maybe a month ago, I started falling again, most recently tonight. I don't know what comes over me, I actually feel terrible afterwards and I know I will but something pushes me to do it..I guess the yetzer hara. But the guilt is tremendous because I'm here in jerusalem and I feel like I'm defiling hashems inner chambers. I even had a wild urge in the bathroom at shimon ha tzaddik's kever and...I don't know, I just feel like a rasha and like I can't forgive myself and hashem won't forgive me either.

I have a treif phone, that might be part of my lack of control. Ive wanted to get a filter and have someone set a password on it for me but I never get around to it. I definitely feel like that's a must for me right now.

I just feel terrible. Who knows what kibd of damage I'm causing to the people around me and myself because of this.I say tikkun haklali but is that enough to gain forgiveness for what I understand to be the worst sin possible ? I also try to immerge in the mikveh when i can.

Anyway, if anyone's traversed aimilar obstacles or can help gove me clarity on my issues that'd be great. I want to conquer this so I don't hurt family I might have later down the line, or so that I might even live to merit having that family b"h

Simchasearcher

WELCOME SS! First of all, SSSSLLLLLOOOOWWWWW DDOOOOWWWWWNNN. All this nervousness about tikunim, guilt, mikvah, forgiveness. Take it easy. You are a baal teshuva for less than a year.

There are many people who have been addicted for a very long time and have been helped. You can be too, but you need the right tools. Have you read the handbook? There are some great ideas in there. Stick around the forum. There are many people just like you that can give good advice and chizzuk.

Take a deep breath. Things will IY"H get much better. It will take work, but it is worth it.

MAZAL TOV on taking the first step!

Welcome to GYE!

Here is a good place to start.

We're looking forward to getting to know you better!

Thank you Skeptical.

And thank you gibbor120. I know I need to be more aware of where I stand for sure.

One of the biggest things that pushed me towards chozei btshuvah was realizing I didn't have control over my mind. Secular me read lit on shomer habris and kiddusha and working towards having a pure mind, and when I tried just to see if I could, I realized how little power I have over what goes through my mind. And then after experimenting with the mikvah and wearing tzitzis and tefillin, I realized the state of clarity I could achieve even in a place steeped in shmutz had to be divinely influence. B"hy its been a crazy ride since then, but from the beginning this has been a big deal for me.

I really appreciate your input.

Hey there simchasearcher!!

I never officially welcomed you to GYE, so....

Welcome to GYE!!

How's the search going?

Me too, welcome!!! BTW, i love the name: "simchasearcher"

pidani, dms1234, i appreciate the words of welcome. still trucking along, still in yeshiva. hehe, the search continues. b"h hopefully im farther along now then i was before.