A big part of the 12-step program is based on gaining trust in Hashem which obviously is based on the fact that he loves the people he created. Here is a philosophical question that sometimes stands in my way of gaining that trust.

Question: why was I created?

Well life has its good and bad things certainly some of us get a much larger portion of the bad then others, well we don't know the reasoning from Shomayim. OK. But we know that even these people if they do enough sin they'll end up in Gihenem well according to Chazal it's worse than all the suffering in this world put together so certainly no amount of good he had in this world will even come close to counter balance that. Now, Hashem created him because he loves him? Hashem know before he was created that he'll end up in Gihenem .
And I just can't turn of that voice in my head saying just answer me this one.

It's not the question that is hurting your recovery. It's the fact that you are asking it. Let go of the question, and don't think too much. Know that Hashem loves you, and everything he does to/for you is an expression of that love. Just accept that Hashem loves you, and see what happens. Trying to "understand" is a great impediment to recovery.

(In short, gehenom is temporary. Olam haba is eternal. Gehenom is a cleansing process which is painful, but the eternal reward of olam haba is well worth it. We could have a whole philosophical debate about the nature of geehnom and olam haba, but the only thing that will be helped as a result is

Thanks gibbor for responding. I do agree that what you say makes sense, thats it's the fact that I'm asking it that hurts the recovery, but that voice in my mind keeps asking that question so I'm having a hard time ignoring it.

I as for the short answer you gave, I agree to that to. But I'm just asking certainly some people will never make it out of there (HAMAN for example or Yushkeh if tou need a jewish rasha) we're defenitely not in that level but still why were they created and also can you be a thousand percent sure that after calculating our sins the decree won't be eternal Gehenim aren't some Chazals that MIGHT suggest that this might be the case?

I assume that when you say this issue gets in the way of recovery for you, that practically means this: you are still masturbating yourself and struggling with porn because you can't figure G-d's love out.

And I relate to your struggle.

But let me please ask you a series of questions that pain the background for your issue with G-d and can lead to an answer - though it may seem strange to you...for as Gibbor wrote, the fact that u r asking the question is more relevant than any answer is. But I have asked questions like yours for years, too.

My basic question to you is:

Exactly how are you defining 'G-d'?

But specifically:

Do you understand G-d to be infinite, or finite?

Do you understand Him to truly need anything?

And then I'd ask if you think he even can need anything?

Thanks. Three questions for now. And don't bother trying to figure out where I am going with them, ok? Thanks.

Let's please go through this patiently and simply and come out the other side and maybe help the issues in some way.

Dov, thanks for taking the trouble to respond

I masturbate myself because my sick mind tells me that fantasies, porn and masturbation are all bliss and they're powerful enough to counter all the bad that might be coming my way. And me, being sick, think there's a lot of bad coming my way especially from other human beings that for their selfish reasons don't always have pleasing ME in the forefront of their head. Now accepting that G-D is the one deciding what's coming my way not aothers or ME and G-D always was the one who decided and always will do a G-D that has my good at his intention would make the need for the fake balloon of a bliss, that pops the moment you give in, go away.

Now how do I define 'G-d'?

A being in control of every single thing happening no matter how big or how small and has infinite knowledge of everything that did or didn't occur yet including being the only one knowing what's best for the creatures he created.

I understand G-d to be infinite. Although being infinite is not really comprehendible by my little brain but that’s fine my understanding or not understanding something doesn't proof or disproof anything there's a whole lot that I don't understand but still are that way.

Obviously a G-d that's infinite is not depended nor in need of anything or anyone but again its knowledge but in no way do I have the thinking power to understand what that really means.

And NO he cannot need anything, He's G-D

OK, so it smells to me that you tried to figure out where I was going...nu.

If this understanding of G-d is actually yours, and not just just parroting of concepts from a book (like the Torah, for example)...which is what most of us do, of course...then thanks for sharing your feelings about G-d here.

Here is where I was going, be"H:

Since He needs nothing, He did not need to make this world. And he did not need to make you or me, either. So the only motivation that makes any sense at all for the world to be made - or for G-d to do anything at all - is Chessed (love, in English). He just wanted to, but didn't need to.

Now, it can't be that His wants or desires are to destroy or for any negative purpose at all - for He has no vendettas, no needs, no lacks. It's gotta be total Chessed. The only real pure giving, is G-d creating this world (or doing anything, really).

So He loves you and me and wanted to make us, out of pure Cheesed (love).

And just as G-d obviously cannot trip and break a leg or get the flu and die - He cannot be mean. He cannot hurt you or me...or anybody. Not the worst rosho, either.

This may be what was behind R' Shlomo of Karlin saying: "I wish that I loved the tzaddik hador even a fraction of how much Hashem loves the worst rosho."

So there is no true evil. This is really a basic Jewish tenent. The existence of evil itself, is really a trick. Once the cover is pulled off of things and Hashem's existence and connection to everythong is made evident, even people in the deepest reaches of gehinnom have the joy of awareness of Him.

Now, the addict - and many normal average people as well - take these ideas and twist them into great sounding reasons to feel guilt or blame G-d for things. But for me, this has been one way that I could work a 3rd step in SA.

And the reasoning never made any sense to my heart until after I was sober for about a year or so. The brain doesn't really matter in these things.

Now, is this relevant to what was motivating your feelings about G-d and his acceptance of you as you are?

If you think about them, you may agree with what I discovered, that our acceptance of His acceptance of ourselves is actually our struggle. In my own experience, the problem you shared here so well, is actually not about G-d at all, but about our acceptability and validity.

G-d loves us more than we will ever love Him, even while we are on our knees desperately masturbating ourselves to a naked goddess we think can save us. He loves us enough to help us get into recovery and get sane again.

The gemara asks your question and answers it: would it have been better for man not to have been created? It answers that it would have been better for man not to have been created, but since you were created try to make the most of it.

There is tremendous wisdom in this answer. Life is generally good. You have freedom of choice and your life is not dictated by Hashem but is chosen by you. Whatever path you wish to take Hashem will lead you on that path, good or bad. Most of the pain of life is self inflicted, or inflicted by other people, not by Hashem.

This is true even in the case of cancer. A disease can destroy your body but it cannot make you depressed without your input. Your feelings are self-inflicted, they are not inevitable and they don't mean anything, they are just a manifestation of your das. You feel the way you think. And we asked for that das ourselves. Hashem created us to eat of the trees of the garden.

Shabbos is a taste of olam ha-ba, look at how people spend Shabbos, that is our purpose.