Hi.

I guess I'll just start with a post explaining where I am and how I got there.

In this area of shemiras habris and shemiras ha'einayim, issues started when i was 15 or so (I'm 21 now). This was when I was beginning my path to developing a relationship with Hashem and becoming shomer torah u'mitzvos. It started with things online and has never actualized into any physical relationships with anyone but the issues of pornography and masturbation have pressed down on my psyche.

I'm 21 and studying at a university. I wasn't raised in a frum household, although Jewish values were certainly present. However, through going to a non-Jewish high school and continuing higher education at a place where avodas Hashem, tznius and restraint are not valued, I have a constant internal struggle for keeping strong.

I have a filter on my computer and phone but this only lasts a few days. Scantily clad is being generous with most people's dress code in my classes and even the frum community at the school is plagued with disillusioned Modern Orthodox guys and girls where skirts, tzitzis and hilchos negiah are all but ignored. Maybe its cynicism or maybe its pessimism, but my time left in school is daunting; not because i feel pressures to give in, but because I know how negatively the community and secular-college-atmosphere affects me.

The largest active issue I face with shemiras habris is that I find it hard to be able to go more than a week without having an urge, which presents itself like a force to which I'll eventually give in. I know there's no issur in having an urge, but with marriage a few years down the road at least (and i'm working to solve this problem before marriage), just doing things one day at a time has always seemed naive to me because I've never had success with it.

In the past 6ish years of interacting with this yetzer hara, I genuinely feel like I've tried it all: Filters, accountability groups, partners (somewhat), learning, physical exercise, TaPhSic, 90 day chart, all without sustainable results. The longest streak I've had since this period of my life began was the first month I spent in yeshivah in Israel between high school and college. I can't pinpoint exactly why this was but my guess is it relates to the fact that yeshivah was the first time where i was actively engaged in growth, avodas Hashem and learning 24/7. But the reality is I dont have that environment anymore (by any stretch of the imagination).

However, there is one suggestion I haven't tried: opening up 100% to a real person. I've spoken on the phone with an individual from the GUE community but it didnt feel so real. Like I said, i've posted (under different names) in accountability groups here on GUE and had other usernames but I can't bring myself to "re-boot" those accounts, perhaps its a coping mechanism.

Sorry for the novel but if anyone has advice, guidance, similar experiences, anything and everything is sincerely appreciated.

thanks in advance.

Shulem Aleichem to this Holy Kehile, where er are all in the same problem, and no ur not alone, and with סייעתא דשמיא we will get helped and healed

just start ur focus on a Day at a Time this is the 1st key to keep it up
we will keep iy"h in touch, and please keep us posted

Ur Friend in Same Situation from Boro Park, looking fwd to see u around here

Welcome aboard!Baruch HaShem-you have realized at a relatively yuoung age what the issues are that you must confront, and that the college campus of today is a Makom Pritzus. I would suggest that you find a chavrusa or shiur either on or off campus on a steady basis. That would be a start towards positive steps in Avodas HaShem. I would also suggest that you spend a Shabbos or two in communities where growth in Avodas HaShem and Kvias Itim BaTorah are viewed as serious religious obligations.

Welcome!
-Try to remake that awesome experience you had in yeshiva as much as you can.
-Remind yourself of your problem constantly: davening, this forum, etc.
-Try to tell someone about your problem. I know that you feel like you can make it on your own. Is there anyone that you know who understands where you're coming from? A rabbi or relative? THis really gives you someone as a guide through your journey.

PS- We know that you can do it.

WorkingHard wrote:
Thanks for sharing. I think you said it best yourself. Opening up to a real person. I'm not sure why it didn't "feel so real". How often did you talk? How did you chose the person you spoke with?

It will definitely be easier if you can somehow get away from that environment. Do you have any way out?

Keep us posted!

Hi WorkingHard,

Your story sounds a lot like mine, but I am in high school. Based on how high school students act, college must be terrible for you. Have you tried going to a therapist. Mine has helped a lot. Also, is there a rabbi that you personally connect with. My rabbi has supported me through this and depression. I hope to read more posts on your progress.

--some_guy/Elias/Eliyahu

Welcome back, WorkingHard!

It's important that no matter how you decide to go about things, that you should stick with it. Don't give up even if there's a fall. Don't abandon ship.

WorkingHard


Why can't you bring yourself to use the same username? Do you think others will look at you differently? I can assure you based on my own experiences, that that is not the case. If anything, you will be respected more. Also, it gives people a tremendous amount of chizzuk to be able to see other's journeys and how they do throughout the ups and downs.

About ups and downs, it's really just how it sounds. Everyone has ups and everyone has downs to some extent. Sometimes a down is needed to reach ever higher.

Keep growing!

Chodesh Tov.

Things have been up and down the past week but today I had a really nice talk and good learning. Plus, today I had a quieter afternoon where I was productive instead of just bumming around or wasting time. I think the kicker here was that I decided to run an errand as soon as I finished my work which got me out of my room (moving towards אם פגע בו מנוול זה משכהו להבית מדרש).

So i guess thats my personal eitzah for the day: get out of isolation, physically.

Hatzlocha.

Today was a rather long day. But keeping busy kept my mind engaged in good things (work work and learning). And plus, like the Mesillas Yesharim quotes Iyov: "אדם לעמל יולד".

To be completely honest, I very much wanted to give myself a "night off" after today but then I thought at the very least i could check here. And now I'm here posting, which I couldn't be happier about. I suppose its these little moments of connecting to Hashem which build up a lasting relationship.

Although this may be the musings of a late-night Jew, maybe this is what the whole "one day at a time" hashkafa is about, or at least one way for me to relate to it: I genuinely have no idea how tomorrow will go, but that doesnt bother me because it's today right now. Hashem gave me the כחות to get through today (שעשה לי כל צרכי) which is not a foolish way of living life, but speaks of simplicity. And tomorrow I'll worry about when it comes.

Laila tov.

Its all looking good dude.
Just don't freak out if the yetzer hare ambushes you. This is the normal pattern. Post here. Take it one day at a time!