Following some advice in another thread, I have decided that bli neder I will keep a daily accounting of how I am doing in my struggle. I will not dwell too much on how I was before joining the forum but a brief description might help as a starting point:

I was brought up as a non-Jew, in a big, fairly poor family. Religion and spirituality were pretty much absent from my life until I discovered Yiddishkeit through some friends and gradually came to recognise my Jewish neshema. One RH during Tashlich I felt an absolute sense that it was time to convert and I now feel I’m where I have always belonged. BUT….

While I had, growing up experimented with p*** (which was seen as normal in my non-Jewish world), it was only once I really comitted to converting that the Y”H started driving me mad making me fall which I grew less and less able to resist. Recovering from my circumcision was a good respite but once I was healed things became much harder. So many things were great blessings and helped me for short periods the mikvah of my conversion was powerful for a long time, as was getting married and having children) but all the time I would fall and no matter how I tried to work on Mussar, on Torah study, Teshuva and all the things that are supposed to work – nothing seemed to do the job. I now think that struggling alone, while outwardly maintaining the fa?ade of ger tzedek was what made it so difficult. Being able to open up on here has already moved me far further along than I have got in years of trying to do it on my own.

I know of course that it’s a long way to go but I hope that Bezras HaShem I’ll get there along with all others who struggle in this area.

Hey! What am I saying? We WILL all get there. It is surely not HaShem’s plan that we wallow in this gehinnom forever. We have been promised that the galus will end, and it surely won’t end while we’re still here battling the Y"H so it is only a matter of when (may it be speedily and in our days!)

What a beautiful post!! My dear holy Jew, this struggle is the one place that Hashem truly asks us for our hearts, more than any other area... That is why, in spite of your geirus and circumcision, in spite of Torah and Mussar, it still doesn't go away. Hashem has great pleasure when we struggle in this area and learn slowly how to give Him our hearts... We grow closer to Him, slowly but surely, and this is something He is not willing to give up easily. That is why, after making progress, we fall again.. He wants us to keep growing to higher levels and truly become Tzadikim. If not for this struggle, we'd think we were Tzadikim simply because we're Jews and doing the Mitzvos. But Hashem wants our deepest desires!

Welcome to one of Hashem's favorite places in the world: GuardYourEyes.org - Where Yidden learn to give Hashem their hearts! You are fortunate to have found us. Stick with all these holy warriors, and you will go far!

P.S. Have you heard about the handbooks?

Thank you so much Reb Guard for your lovely post. Yes I have read and am going over the handbooks. I also just finished 'The First Day of the Rest of my Life" which gave me a lot to think about, especially the notion it raises that the yetzer tov and yetzer hara are actually the same thing, or rather different expressions of the same thing.

It has given me a lot to think about.

Today was good B"H. I had very few cravings (although still some) and found that I am being much more productive and positive in general.

I was both happy and sad though when I looked a few times throughout the day to see who was online here. It broke my heart to see that there are so many people who need to come here, and of course so many more who need it but haven't yet come. I was happy though that they were here because it means that they might get the help they need.

It's odd, but much as I love GYE, I just wish it didn't need to exist at all.

Well off to bed now. Stay strong chaverim.

The candle burns bright and getting brighter.