I've been struggling with pornography and MZL since I was around 12. I have a gorgeous family KH, a good job, and seemingly everything going for me!

I've been trying for years to stop, being mekabel on myself kabolos after kabolos. I've read many, many posts on this forum, and have generally had a chizuk from reading other people's suggestions, and seeing that I am not alone.

I have been clean now for 3 months, and as my spirituality grew, so did my yetzer hora.

A month ago, I went out to the shop, and thinking myself "Safe" and "recovered" bought a fancy Android cellphone, with a fancy Samsung tablet. I also signed up, unconditionally, and irreversably to a contract supplying almost unlimited data downloads, at a cost of one hundred bucks a month...

Needless to say, I have fallen, and fallen, and fallen, and fallen. In fact today, for the first time in my life, I almost left the office to do a serious aveiro l'maaseh.... oh how scared I am. I find ways around any filters my wife insisted on, and can state unequivocally- I cannot own these devices, even with filters, without sinning.

My problem is of course I cannot cannot cannot get rid of this phone and tablet. How do I explain to wife and collegues where my much trumpeted new tablet and phone have disappeared to? How do I pay off this contract I have entered into? How can I effectively lose over 3000 dollars over this........??

I'm not asking for donations or handouts, just help, advice, ideas.....

Please help me.

Welcome to GYE!

We're looking forward to getting to know you better.

We always need to be careful not to become complacent. The YH tells us, "Look, you're doing so well! You don't even have the desire anymore. Try it, you'll see!" Wanting to be able to say that we've mastered it, we walk right into his trap.

About the contracts, as long as you stay with the company, it is usually ok to change the plan as needed.

Hatzlacha!

First of all, welcome aboard!!! You are certainly not alone anymore!

Come in, pull up a chair, make yourself comfortable, help yourself to a l'chayim.

Now, let's talk. Your issues are ones that have been dealt with (and are being dealt with) by other choshuve yidden here before. I can throw out some questions to get you started, but any information that you share could be helpful.

What kinds of kabalos have you made before? Which ones worked before, and which ones did not? Sometimes the kabalos need to just be made in a smarter way.

I gather from your post that your wife is not aware of your lust issue, is that a correct assumption?

Are there any kinds of monitoring or accountablity software that are compatible with your phone and/or tablet?

You have started to realize the fact that recovery is not something that you "acheive" and your issue dissapears. I can only speak for myself, but it seems to be true for most of us here, that our sensitivity to lust will never go away, i.e. even if we are clean for a long time, as soon as we decide to "test" our yeitzer to see if it dissapeared we find out that it is alive and well. So the biggest thing is avoidance, on a long-term basis.

I couold probably think of a few more things to say, but I will stop here.

Nice meeting you, keep on posting!

Okay, so who am I and what have I achieved thus far?

I have tried taphsic many times, using Shavuos of money, Mikva, learning etc but when it comes to crunch time a little voice whispers "but you said in kol nodrei that all future Shavuos are betelin u'mevutolin" and what do I say to that?

Perhaps my problem is a general yiras shomayim issue, but my prime concern at the moment is the commitments I have signed in for.

My wife is very much unawares, and the telling of it would end my marriage without a moments hesitation. My wife is sweet, innocent and a true bas Yisroel.

Skeptical, the contract is unavoidable, believe me I have tried in one of my better times to get rid of it.

Please please keep advice coming.

Even if you are paying for the data, you can still usually call customer service and ask them to disable your access to it. I have done that in the past.

There are also solutions here.

I only have a couple minutes to respond right now, hopefully I can write more tomorrow.

SMVTov wrote:
Isn't it interesting how we rationalize about kol nidrei, but we dont worry about what we said both a couple hours before and a couple hours after kol nidrei, al chait shechatanu lifanecha b'giluy arayos. I don't mean this as a personal attack, we all do stuff like that sometimes.

SMVTov wrote:

My wife found out that I had been watching online porn and masturbating when we had been married less than 3 years and got fired from a job. It was rough, but we are still happily married, boruch Hashem. I don't know your circumstances, but just some food for thought.

Why not sit down and talk with your wife about the issue and the degree of your addiction. You would be surprised if your wife isn't aware of your problem, and if she hasn't heard of other couples where the issue has arosen.

As far as Kol Nidrei is concerned, your question reminds me of an amazing Pshat Bshem Rav Soloveitchik ZTL that we recite Kol Nidrei to remind ourselves that HaShem Yisborach gave Klal Yisrael the Mitzvah of Teshubvah as part of the Luchos Shiniyos after the Chet HaEgel when the new Bris based on Torah SheBaal Peh ( see Gittin 60b) was given to Klal Yisrael and that this Mitzvah of Teshuvah can only be fulfilled as much as possible by the degree of our loyalty to and depth of learning Torah SheBaal Peh, and that we recite Tefilas Zakah to fulfil the view of the Ramban to Yoma 87b that we should enter the Yom HaKadosh in a state of Taharah. All of this can be found in the Mesoras HaRav Machzor for Yom Kippur.

WELCOME! You have a couple of problems. One is how to ditch your technological pritzus devices . Could you "accidentally" leave them at the airport. Drop them off the roof of your office building. Drop them into the toilet? Really - think about it. I know it is a lot of money, but desperate times...

As far as your wife leaving you, I highly doubt it. Many of us have lived through our "innocent bais yaakov wives" finding out - including me . Almost all of us are still married and many are even happily married. Having said that, I wouldn't tell her at this point.

The major issue you have to deal with is your porn and masturbation addiction. If you are truly an addict Kabalos are of limited value. Read thee handbook, follow the forum. I have some good links in my signature.

Welcome, you are among friends and you are on your way to recovery. Stick around.

Welcome to the forum!!

We're all together here. Stick around, it's a lot of fun!

Just wanted to second what gibbor said, especially about not telling your wife. It is certainly not yet time, and it may never be.

You're at the right place!

Hatzlacha Rabbah!!

I agree partially-fancy cellphones are dangerous toys, but especially for anyone who is addicted to porn and masturbation. One issue that Gibbor 120 mentioned is the shock of discussing the issue with your Eshes Chayil Beis Yaakov/seminary educated wife. I think that such shock is overestimated-if your wife took a kallah class, and shopped for Shabbos robes and an nice ( attractive or gorgeous) sheitel, then she probably is aware that in very frum community, women can shop for what we would call in Lashon Nikiyah bedroom attire via the women's supplement to any magazine that is geared to the frum community with the same styles that is available in any major American mall. Furthermore, any one on this site who has learned any of the "yeshivishe masectos" in Seder Nashim whether in Kollel or in a Daf Yomi shiur knows that Chazal discussed sexual relations in a way that neither was hedonistic ala the Greeks and Romans or like Victorian prudes. I think that honest discussion of this issue goes a long way in establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy which, in turn, can only lead to a mutually enhanced appreciation of physicl intimacy between husband and wife. I would also argue that this factor needs to be emphasized as much as all of the wonderful and complicated Halachos and Chumros of Hilcos Nidah in an appropriate manner.

Try calling the company and ask them to void the contract. When they ask why, tell them you have become addicted to pornography. Compliment them on their excellent service, and explain that if they don't help you you will sue them for damages.

For things like this if you daven the way out will come to you.

Welcome!

I'm so glad you joined us and I hope you stick around and continue sharing with us all the way to real recovery.

Regarding the technology issue, I like Skeps idea of seeing if the carrier can turn off the data for you. If not, you can turn off the data yourself through parental controls by logging into your phone account.

And regarding your wife, while some have told their wives while they were still in active addiction, the general concensus is to wait until you're solidly in recovery. Ultimately it's your call. I didn't tell my wife until I was sober 3 years (that's too long).

Personally, I have access to dozens of internet computers, so filters and accountability software are truly useless. So I've had to develop the filter between my ears.

Actually it's not a filter. It's a wall. I know that I can't take in any lustful stimuli or I'm sunk. I can't toy with it. Not even a quick little thrill. I have learned to surrender my lust to Hashem and daven repetitively for Him to keep taking it from me whenever it tries to enter my realm.

With a true commitment to giving up lust itself, real recovery is possible.

Hatzlocha!

Alex

If you have to keep the smartphone and tablet, and need to use them for data for reasons of Parnassah, maybe set up some "Favourites" or "Bookmark" websites that are clean?

Maybe they can be related to a hobby of yours...Jewish cooking or Jewish History?

When you feel the urge to go to a porn site, go to them instead.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where the powers that be at Google know what you want to read, access and watch. The only filter against unsoliticited porn in your email box is your exercise of bchirah Chofshis and deleting any such messages that are in your email.

Sounds to me like you might have a serious sex addiction (just like me). As far as I am aware, the only known effective way to deal with this that works for hundreds of thousands of people around the world is to to join a 12 step program such as SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). Depending on where you live, you will be surprised just how many Jewish men of all backgrounds (chassidish, litvish, yekish, modern orthodox, non orthodox) have found a new life joining one of these programs. Here is a link to SA (www.sa.org/) where you can find more information. It is working miracles for me.

BTW, once you have an addiction, no amount of tehillim, shvuos, kabolos, speeches about bechirah chofshis, teshuva, mikva, charoto, tefillah zaka, blah, blah, blah will help you anymore. In fact all of the above will make this much worse, as you will be adding guilt, shame and regret to the cycle of addiction.

with Love.