I'm sure my story isn't unique but I hope sharing it will help me if not others in a similar situation if there are any.

I've been struggling with shmiras enayim as long as I can remember but I've never been truly successful. I have my ups and downs but its been mostly down. It starts with the internet / street and quickly devolves into p*rn and m*sturb*tion.

The thing is when I do m*sturbate its usually not to climax. I go to the edge and then back off. I do not want to deal with the guilt that comes with ejaculation if that makes any sense. The problem is that I rationalize that while I know this isn't good it's not the end of the world because after all I'm not being motzie zera.

This doesn't leave me feeling as bad which in turn allows me to start the same destructive pattern all over the next day and on and on until I'm allowed to be with the wife.

Sometimes I feel like it would probably be better to be motzie zera - at least I'd have the feeling of guilt and stop for a day or two.

Can I be the only one who has such an issue?

pleasenomore wrote:



Definitely not!

BTDT AOMT = Been there, done that about one million times.

Now a good friend once asked me - where will this lead?? (Forget for a moment that its ossur, and a lav) I realised that once I start this pattern, It always ends up with a fall sooner or later. Because I at least, get to the point where I say "It doesn't really matter if I really fall.." In fact, I may be better off. Once we are in that pattern, its almost impossible to get out of it. Its a ticking time bomb - isn't it?

We know where this leads, so the only way is to take a big D-tour around the entire process. Lust is poison, it will kill - sooner or later.

(The only antidote, known to me (once i get into this cycle, is calling someone, and in minor cases to post)

If the problem is lack of guilt, there's plenty of scary stuff for just thinking about women, forget about the actual masturbation.
Not that it's a good idea to see them, you can get seriously depressed.

The question is simple, do you want to stop?

If you do then you don't need guilt to help you.It would fade anyway after being clean for a few days.

If you want to stop then you need a plan.

Whaddya say?

This is definitely true. Eventually it does lead to a real fall. It cannot go on forever right?

I agree with this as well. I'm not sure about a plan though. This usually happens to me in the shower as embarrassing as that sounds "out loud"...

You are not alone in that either, many find the shower to be a huge challenge. I fact there is a shower thread. Make sure to read dov's post on page two.


Regarding a plan - the handbook is a good place to start.

And keep posting - let us know how things are going, and anythig else you want to share!

And don't worry, many people who did a lot worse things than you have been able to stay clean for a long time.It isn't that hard.

welcome my new friend.

I will ask a question that I often mean to ask myself. I am not directing it at you, I just think this is a good place to pose it.

Is your problem which issur you are transgressing and the guilt for that issur or is your problem that your life is out of control?

My problem has nothing to do with a certain sin (although I do feel very bad when I do sin in this way). The reason why this is such a pressing issue in my life is that if this goes unchecked it WILL RUIN MY LIFE. I can't control myself in this area period, and unless I find a way to do something about it I wont have much a a life. Read some of the sadder stories and see where people fall with this.

I am curious to know what you think and I wish you much hatzlacha.

Hi Sparky,

Thanks for your post.

I don't think my life is out of control B"H. Not yet anyway. I've been dealing with this issue for quite some time and there has always been the "next level" stuff that I've been able to avoid. I tell myself that its something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. Knowing that if I go through with this deed I will be thinking about it on my deathbed is enough to keep me in check.

Its the smaller stuff that robs us of the small pleasures of life. Why should I not feel amazing about all the time I spend learning and davening?

All gayvah related problems aside, I think you should feel good about the time spend learning and davening.
It's not a stirah to stopping though.Working on one thing and still feeling good about yourself as a whole is probably the best attitude.


So did you start with a plan yet?

pleasenomore wrote:

Nope, not by a longshot. As a young boy, when I started masturbating in the shower, I would not get to climax because I knew it was wrong to "spill seed", but after a while, I could not stop myself any more.

This addiction (and it may only be a habbit for you right now) is progressive. One thing leads to another.

What is your plan for recovery? Did you read the handbook? Do you have any ideas? Have you told your problem to anyone in person (at least over the phone)?

I can't remember if I welcomed you yet. So I'll be machmir - WELCOME! You are in the right place. We are glad to have you aboard.

Thank you inastruggle and gibbor,

First let me say that generally this time of year isn't an issue for me. After Y"K I can ride the high until mid Cheshvan some years a bit longer. It's after that when my shmiras enayim gets weaker and weaker until I'm "acting out" in the shower. By then its a slow but steady decline.

I don't wanna wait until then to seek advice and encouragement. Maybe if I have the support of the chevra I'll actually make it this year.

One big stumbling block was my phone - I could access anything whenever the urge arose. So I installed a filter. As annoying as it is I am going to stick with it because I know it will help me.

The only other thing that helps me is just "thinking straight". I noticed that when I see a woman on the street I start having all kinds of relationship fantasies. Maybe its because I'm getting older but its not the lewd scenes I imagined in my youth anymore.

I need to wake up and realize that these thoughts are utterly moronic. I want to be confident in my sobriety.

pleasenomore wrote:

I hear you loud and clear. I used to NEVER act out in Elul through Y"K at least. One year, I couldn't hold back and was very down about it. Again, if not addressed, it

pleasenomore wrote:

Many of us have found that confidence is NOT the key, it is "dependance" on Hashem. Confidence is one very common reason for a fall. Humble acceptance that we are frail and need Hashems help each day really helps.

Gotta go.

Have a gut yom tov!

pleasenomore wrote:


Thanks for the answer.

Sorry to nit pick. If you are in control why don't you just stop it all? Why does the thought of death not work on the current level?

I am here to help. I am wondering what you think about this.

I appreciate all the help Sparky. No need to tiptoe around me

Its not the thought of death at all that gets me. Its the just the guilt. I know after I'm done I will feel so low that its just not worth it. Thats why I avoid the next level stuff - because I know it would eat me up alive. Nothing to do with death.