I am a chronic lurker but I had to come out of lurkdom to say that I so totally identify with Chesky's post.

It mammesh said it all. I saw myself in every word.

Such an accurate picture of the addictive mind's relationship with the G-d as we misunderstood Him.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing that.

CHESKY!!!!!
PIDAINI!!!!!!!
MENDALZ!!!!!!!!!
I THINK I GOT IT!!!!!!!!!!!

i am a bit excited as you may have noticed, and i think its really slowly sinking in, slooooowwwwwwwwly, but is going!

this point has probably been the point that has been bugging me all this time and what got me into falling to begin with!!!!!
well maybe, i am not sure about that last point, but it had alot to do with it.

my problem was that when i "let go" i was waiting for some kind of euphoric "wow" like i am floating in gan eden or something, and when that didnt come i was even waiting for the flames of hell to start licking at my feet, and that would have been fine as well as long as it was my flames and flames that i created, who cares if it feels good or bad, they WERE MINE!!!! and they just never came!

my growth was never on my terms, i could never control how it would make me feel!!!

i am such a fool, this has been eluding me, and i said some nasty things to god about this whole thing too, oy vey!!! when i was ranting and raving he was probably just smirking and waiting for me to get it, oy vey!!!

even the feeling of my having got now is trying to lull me into a sense of "wow" as i write the yetzer is trying to pump good feelings into me to try and show me that its all good, aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhhhhh GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

feelings shmeelings oy vey, you are all right, you are all right, you have been right the entire time!!!!!!!!!

my feelings are not my own, but a crafted fabrication that is being used to pull and push me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so happy................HAHAHA thats also dangerous, so i guess i better be careful

nu who knows, in my post on anger i mentioned i might be bi polar, and this rant might just prove that, but this is the first time i am seeing the way i was thinking for real

OH MAN!

thank you for the help guys and thanks for the patience!!!

i still have an issue about the reg. prayers, but i know that my feelings about it have nothing to to do with "it" so please god help find the path to understand the things about our religion that confuse me even if i dont understand them help find a path that i can walk down and follow you!

its a funny thing that brick wall feeling i kept getting was the best answer god could have ever given me, because the answer would and could never be euphoria nor hellfire.

gevalt!

okay now i need to calm down a minute and not let my feelings get the better of me, so i need to still learn how to detect which feelings are going to hurt me and which are just the regular real emotions if they exist at all, i dont know.

i still dont agree with roshyeshivahson because perhaps you have had the privilege to have seen many guys focusing only on intellectualism or at least mostly, but every yeshivah i have been in, and every summer camp i have been in and alot of the seforim and rebbeim i have learned from all speak about this generation moving back into an emotional state of being like it used to be during the first beis hamikdash.

neviim can only have nevuah in a perfected emotional state,

after the first churban we moved into a more left brain (black/white analytical) state of mind meaning we went more into the black and white of serving hashem and this is where talmud and halacha flourish

today we are bringing both worlds back together
maybe thats why you see alot of left brainers, but the right brain (colorful emotions)is coming back and i cannot comment if there would have been porn addiction back then, but i think that the world we have today exists only because of the merge we are seeing, and its been very perverted, we mix are messed up feelings with are warped intellectualism

what i mean is that we have all this emotional stimuli we dont know how to handle and we go to things like porn etc.. and because we still have our gemara kup we use our genius to protect our silly little emotions that are warped and we end up worse because we need to undo the maze of our own twisted brilliance before we can reach the emotion that is messing us up.

dov says this all the time that the really frum addicts get themselves so wrapped up in their chakirahs about staying clean about falling whatever, and all that has been compromised,

we need to learn to let go,
that is so hard, apparently harder than i ever thought and i still havent done it completely and i hope that god allows me to start to let it all just go

go go go go go

Dear AFS,

That's a beautiful post!!

I am sooooo happy, another fellow Jew has had an insight!!! Thanks for sharing, KOP!! It's great that you reached out and were ready to learn new things, KUTGW!!

Dovaleh

HA MENDEL!!!!
thanks that was beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks guys for the help, i am sorry if i was a but rough out there, but i am sick and tired of being so sick and tired (dont know where that came from)

its still a work in progress

just a shout out to moses1499

thanks,