thank God i have been clean for a while,
I've been on this site for a while and it has helped me so much to put things in perspective.

there is this one thing thing that keeps coming up for me.
i have a temper, and i am usually good at controlling it. i found that when i get into a stressful situation i get into this feeling and that always led to porn in the past. now that feeling is still there but ti is not being released in porn, it just stays bottled in me and it takes a while for it to calm down. especially now that i dont have a release valve like porn to help me.

of course i am not suggesting that i go back there, that place almost destroyed my entire life completely. but now i am left with this issue that is not the core of my problem but its a direct result, which in the past led to shmutz and now just marinates within me.

the feelings get worse and worse with time.

not everything gets me angry just the things that do can get me to explode.

for example, i once missed a flight and that was fine,it really was even though it was a bit of a pain to figure it out, but other times like if a broom isn't working i flip out and break the broom in frustration.

when our kids were born the feelings tripled and now although we don't hit in our house, i can lose myself at my son and grab him to hard, or throw him around (not in a way to injure) but it is scary and my wife is scared when i get like that.

when i am frustrated with my wife i don't do that, but the thoughts that run through my head are very violent and scary, and also with my kids at times i wont act out in anger but the thoughts are very violent,

as time goes on the thoughts get scarier and scarier when i get upset.

i get this feeling inside me that is familiar to the feeling i got when i went to porn, this urge builds in me and i feel i have to break or hurt someone, like i felt when i had to act out. i feel that if i would release by acting out my violent thought that i will feel good, but i know its the same feeling as when i wanted to look at porn, and i know that i will not gain from acting out on those feelings, but it feels like the same battle, like a desire to let loose

i am certain i went to porn because of this issue, as porn gave me the same release i was looking for instead of acting out in violence

i am scared that now it will get so hard that i will either fall with porn(please god no!)or hurt someone (please god no!)

i am also starting to see the same behavior i have in my son who is still younger than 4 yrs, he behaves with this exploding tension to lash out

anyone have some advice

i want to make my home feel safe all the time, not only when i am in a good mood, and i want to help my son work through his issue as well

Thank God, I don't have the same issue as you, so I am not speaking from experience here. All I can say is, you sound like you need to get yourself to a good therapist and QUICK!

I hope things work out for you.
Have a good Shabbos.

afreshstart39,

I'm sure it's eats you up inside seeing yourself lash out but seeming unable to control yourself. I'm sure the fact that you are thinking of violent things happening to your loved ones make your feel terrible. Isn't that right?

The worst is that you see this happening in your son. The thing you hate so much about yourself is now showing up in your yingle. You can't bear it. I'm sure.

Therefore, please do not delay and on Sunday make a call to a qualified therapist who can help you.

Think of the shalom bayis that it will bring. Think of the nachas it will bring.

Mostly, think of the menuchas hanefesh it will bring you.

Love,

Eli

don't get me wrong its not impossible to live at my house we have a lot more good than bad
although you are right I need a therapist I thinl I made it sound like its terrible at home all the time, I have a good relationship with my wife and a decent one with my son

I just picked up a both I had lying around the house called torah therapy and his first words in the book describe my situation

again its no substitute for a therapist but it helps to learn about it as much as I can

I by nature have a huge temper -though most of my friends don't believe me because I never blew up in front of them!- and I could relate very much to a lot of what you wrote.

My mother says that when I was a kid, if I got angry while at my grandparents, my grandmother would clear the table quick. If she didn't, I would!

Boruch Hashem, I've gotten my temper pretty much under control and I rarely lose it these days.

We have to look at the situation kind of like a balloon. The more you get stressed and angry, the more the balloon gets filled. We may not feel like it's a big deal because there's still room in the balloon, but once the balloon reaches its limit, it EXPLODES!

We need to let some air out of the balloon before it gets to that point. We can do this by sharing with someone what is bothering us, or by writing it down somewhere.

It also helps to drill into our minds that everything that happens is hashgacha protis. Nothing can take place in this world without it being Hashem's doing. We think that we know how things should be and it drives us crazy when things don't go according to our plan. But really, Hashem knows what is best. We have a tiny piece of the jigsaw puzzle (at best), Hashem has all the pieces and sees the whole picture.

Hatzlacha!

On a kind of related note, Rabbi Jonathan Rietti says that anger is when a person doesn't want to face reality so he escapes into his anger.When someone is angry he can do what ever he likes and doesn't have to control himself and that's his way of escaping reality.Because in reality what someone does when he's angry is pretty much always guaranteed not to help the situation, but he can (for example) solve his lack of working broom problem....by breaking it.

I say this (aside from just liking the vort) because if porn is an escape then it makes sense that now that you can't have it then you want to use a different escape.The ikkur is to deal with the issues that are causing the need to escape, which is of course, easier said than done.

i spoke this out with my wife over shabbos, it was the first time i ever really spoke about this issue so openly, we have talked around it but never about it

she said that don't worry its not so bad, don't think you are so terrible, but what issues you do have you need to work on,shes knows about my past and that i am in recovery,

she said that i need to learn other methods to release, like skeptical said, to share with someone or write it down,
exercise helps release tension,

i have found that when i am engaged in things that i love doing that helps the release as well,

inastruggle wrote that anger is an escape and i feel that its true, and the only way i knew how to deal with it is to run to porn, and now i need to find healthy ways to release that
and i need to find the source of why i need to escape.

i have recently gotten into chassidus and i found that using their understanding of emunah it is easier for me to control myself, and it has not nearly been as bad as it used to be,

i see this anger as a disconnect from hashem in such a fundamental way, i have a super hard time with davening because of this and it is sometimes impossible to pray to him because i feel that he just doesn't care which is silly because three seconds of thought on my beautiful life proves that he does care very much but it is still a battle

i am trying to link it to something in my past but i had a good childhood, no abuse, my father had a bit of a temper, but nothing that made me feel abused,

my wife thinks it may be a mild case of depression or bi-polar as there are times (like now)when i feel great and times when i feel that everything is terrible and i want to explode.

what do you guys think,

afreshstart39 wrote:

You are asking a bunch of anonymous lust addicts our opinion as to whether or not you are bipolar??? A qualified therapist is probably a better choice for that type of question.

gibbor120 wrote:


I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

On a slightly more serious note...

I can relate to much of what you wrote, afreshstart39. The temper, breaking a broom (hasn't happened in a long time, BH), being just a bit too rough on a kid who isn't doing what you want exactly how and when you want it...all of that. And, of course, lusting and acting out.

What has been working for me is like what skeptical wrote about hashgacha pratis and what you eluded to about emunah. If I know that Hashem has crafts every moment of my life according to His infinite wisdom, ability and benevolence down to the most exquisite details, then I know that there is never anything that I should have that I don't. If right now I have a child who isn't doing what I want, then I know that it is good for it is what the Master of the Universe has placed in my current experience. It must be so for how else could that tantruming child be here? In this moment and every moment, what I have before me is perfectly designed by Hashem (for whatever reason).
If the broom isn't doing a good job of cleaning and its Erev Shabbos and I need the floor cleaned an hour ago, the same rule applies. Hashem, who knows more than me and who loves me, has determined that I should be faced right now with the experience of frustration. "Thank you, Hashem. You care about me. Thank you for giving me what I need."

Now, this isn't always how I see it. But I know that when I see it this way, all ends up well. So I try to look at as much as I possibly can in this light so that when the tougher nisyonos turn up I have a better context in which to view them.

It is a similar approach that I find works regarding being happy with my life as Hashem has given it to me. We all know that the underlying issue that drives us to porn and masturbation etc is a general unhappiness with life. We think we should be getting something better as if the perfection that He has given us is not good enough. So by seeing the hashgach pratis for real in as much as you can, you not only can be less angry but by the same token help the underlying unhappiness with life.

(Maybe if you are dealing with lust in a way that doesn't address the above, then that is why the anger bursts out instead of acting out. This approach to lust will would probably not leave you with the feelings of anger. Just sharing what works (BH!!!) for me.)

thanks that was a great perspective!

i think that the way i havebeen working on recovery was from a place soloey of fear, fear of getting caught and also fear of falling into what made me so misrable. that fear may help in recovery but alone it just is fear and helping me see myself properly.

when i learn to let go and let god, and work on how my life was so full of self absorbtion,and that i need to move out of myself i can see myself not getting angry

i am at my greatest when i am doing what i really truly love which is helping others and during those times i wont fall into this angry thing,

living with fear is just another way of being self absorbed, i am afraid because i dont want to get caught, or i dont want to feel bad doing these things.

thanks mendelz