Hi

Keep up the good work.

I've recently had twins too - 6 months old now.
There is just so much work to do and so much stress trying to handle them both.
It's pushed me back into patterns I am not happy with at all.

Last night I was changing nappies at midnight and the alarm goes off at 5, so not that much time to sleep.

I'm personally amazed at how much my wife does. I don't think we realize how hard it is for the mother.
I think that some of my acting out is actually me begin passive aggressive and trying to hurt her. It really doesn't help.

I've come to realize that I was looking at home as two people each performing their own duties. Marriage was like a partnership to me.
The problem with this model, is that as soon as one person puts in a little less than their own share - 49%, then the other says "why should I do more than her? I'll do 48%" and before you know it, you're both on 0.

I started feeling better about myself when I started to put in 100%. What needs to be done now? What is the task my wife hates doing the most - I'll do that.
Immediately, things turned around for me and life became manageable.

Just sharing my own experience.
Have a great Rosh Hashanah and may H" give you the strength, health and finance needed for the family.

Yosef.

So beautiful. Thanks!!

ToAdd wrote:



Hi Yosef,

Yes, I can definitely relate to that. I would also feel like acting out as a way to 'get back' at my wife - especially if there was a lot of housework that hadn't been done or we had been snapping at each other a lot. Thankfully I usually realised how childish it would be to act like that. After all, it's not like she would know. I'd never tell her or show her, so the only one actually suffering would be me. Not a very efficient means of revenge!

Mazel tov on your twins. Baruch Hashem mine turned one yesterday (5 Tishrei). I am grateful they are healthy and happy and I do love and cherish them. My frustration really comes when little easy things become difficult. When meals end up everywhere except their tummies. When nappy changes turn into wrestling matches and screaming practice. That's where I struggle a lot - when little tasks become very difficult I tend to run out of patience and get very flustered.

My other issue is lack of sleep. One of my kids has always been an unsettled sleeper. I think he woke me 4 times last night, crying and moaning. I usually have to get up and try to find a dummy in the dark and hope he settles. It's usually at least 1 or 2 disturbances every night, along with an early morning. My wife is a heavier sleeper than me so he usually doesn't disturb her - just me. So my energy and concentration tends to be low every day, not great for getting things done.

Lack of free time is also hard. I had an evening free last night but spent it ironing and doing the dishes. By the time everything was done it was 10pm and I just wanted to collapse. I get a little of reading time on the way home but going home feels like going to a second job sometimes. My wife also works very hard with them so I don't blame her leaving housework for me. She has certainly been swamped cooking and preparing for all the yomim tovim. I only really get out of the house the two nights I have a chavrusa, and occasionally to a hobby club now and again which I enjoy.

41 days clean

kol tov
sR

Minus a point or two, I wasn't sure if you wrote that about yourself or if you were just reading my mind.

The one day when I left work, I commented to my co-workers "off to the grindstone".
It's tough at home, but there are so many cute little smiles, it's all worth it.

I'm nowhere near 41 days clean.
In fact, I'm back at one day.
Having some time to myself really did not help.
I should not do this... What am I doing... too late!

Perhaps I should join a hobby club. I was doing some krav maga for a while but it wasn't really my cup of tea. So now I'm without regular exercise or outside fun time.
That's probably contributing to my down state.
I really should find something fun to do...

Keep On Trucking

kol tov

A lot of people at work older than me who have kids often comment "come into the office for a rest?" I usually nod and laugh but it can often feel true.

bH my wife and I have actually had some time together which has helped me immensely. I think we had about a month apart before that which wasn't fun.

I found in the past that being bored was incredibly dangerous. If I had something to do or a game or something to occupy myself with during free time I would be ok. But times like Sunday night, when I'm tired, can't concentrate, not interested in doing this or that .... wow. Those were the worst times for me.

Luckily now in the little free time I have I have so many things vying for my attention that that isn't so much of an issue.

hatzlacha
sR

ToAdd wrote:


I would usually append an "AARGH I'M SUCH AN IDIOT" to that
Then feel terrible and guilty and "It's not happening again!" for a day
Then the day after I'd be back at it

oi vei!

Hatzlacha rabba

Just maybe you should stop expecting that a man who has 6 month old twin children at home and is going through stressful yomim tovim and working and trying to do teshuvah...will be able to actually stay clean completely? MAYBE IT IS AN UNREASONABLE EXPECTATION OF YOURSELF? Woops, that all caps was a mistake but looks good so I'll leave it.
Let the pressure off and speak openly to Hashem about what 'madreigos' you can expect - and which you can only fantasize about, at this point.

Then you will find that the burden will not be as heavy - and it will be more likely that you will stay clean more easily one day at a time...and we may then chat here in 6 months from now as two sober people. Surrender to win, you know that, Yosef.

- Dov

Still clean bH - today and the last 2 days or so have been hard. Bit of bickering between my wife and I. She complained all day and evening about how much she has to do and then sat on the laptop all night. Oh, and muggins here got to get on with cleaning up and whatever. And the inevitable "just one look will make you feel better ....."

Davened by myself this morning in between dealing with the kids and needing to get to work. First Hoshana Rabba in years I've not been in a minyan. Unfortunately this has been a theme since my kids have arrived, but I try to see it as an avodah. Last year I davened Neilah in a rush by the front door by myself, with my wife shouting "you finished yet?! I need your help!"

Anyway, kulo b'dei Shemayim - if that's where the Aibishter wants me to be I'll try get on with it as best as I can

Kol tov, wishing everyone a chag sameach
sR

Thanks for sharing this.

On Friday (regular Erev Shabbos here in EY) i came to Shabbos, last minute as usual. I came to Shul Friday night, frustrated and resentful.

Then this post came to mind and I was able to see my situation in its correct proportion and instead of being negative to be thankful to HaShem for what I have.

Thank you. May HaShem grant us a day of sobriety and sanity.

Struggling lately. A few nights ago I spent some time looking at things I really shouldn't be. bH I wasn't nichshal - after 10 minutes I was I convinced myself that it's not worth it.

Lot's of bickering and sniping with my wife. Little things seem to develop into big misunderstandings and we are both stubborn. Not fun. Kids have also been a bit a of a handful.

Lot's of stress in my extended family. My grandfather was niftar 2 weeks ago, it has been traumatic for my mother. My grandmother also has quickly degenerating dementia, and my grandfather's money has been stolen by a business partner.

Struggling today. Luckily I am at work and my filters at home are decent. Really struggling

sR

You got your hands full. May Hashem give you koach

sonicReducer wrote:


Do you mean porn?

sonicReducer wrote:


Do you mean you didn't masturbate?

sonicReducer wrote:

reallygettingthere wrote:


Amen!


reallygettingthere wrote:


Yup!

reallygettingthere wrote:


yup!

Last night and today haven't been great. Haven't done anything but the teivah is really hammering me

Hang in there, and even better try surrendering, be ready to live life without the lsut and ask Hashem to take it away.

We're all with you!!

KOT!!

U doin anything besides just posting abt it?