Hashem loves me
Mostly I get caught up in life and forget about Him
But still He loves me
I get sad and depressed and fall into traps I shouldn’t
But that’s because I forget He loves me
The fall makes a ripple that turns into a tidal wave, all becomes dark
If only I could feel his love for me
I see it coming, the darkness envelopes, I cannot move, I simply have no will to
If only I could feel his love for me
It comes crashing down, it obliterates me, all I feel is numbness
If only I could feel
I begin to feel, I begin to feel ashamed, I begin to feel pain
It doesn’t occur to me that he loves me,It doesn’t occur to me that I love me
Quick, something to sooth the painful numbness – the anticipated shame
I can’t even begin to imagine to myself that He still loves me
There’s now a search, a frenzied search, for something, for that something that will sooth me
I am now too busy to think, to think that maybe, just maybe, he still loves me
I search for that specific image, for that specific scene that falsely promises to make me tranquil again, to make it all better
I can’t think allow myself to think about those things and still think about his love for me
It’s the search that’s my problem, it’s the search that is my false messiah
With it I have no opening, no oppertunity to think of his love for me
It’s the search that takes my time, it’s the oh so intense search that allows my body’s urge to so completely take me over
And when it does take over, there is nothing else ( to me), especially not an awareness of his love for me
So the cycle repeats itself, the wave of darkness crashes, and I swim as franticly as a drowning man looking for another
Allowing it to happen, and allowing it to continue by not internalizing his love for me
So what might you ask, so what do I ask myself, might this internalization accomplish, why is its lack so crucial?
Well, say this to yourself HE – LOVES – ME
The HE who created and creates me, The HE who wills me and the creation that comes with me into being every second of every day – Right now
HE, He loves me
The He, who purposefully created me with all my weaknesses, who purposefully placed me in the environment He did – as if setting me up
HE loves me
The He who looks down upon me and watches me struggle, who wants for my good and yet does not intervene
He loves me
The He who is waiting there with baited breath and a prayer, that maybe, just maybe, I will let him in
Perhaps I will realize He loves me
Perhaps I will allow myself to be infused with a sense of security, enveloped in a warmth, allow myself to feel safe
Because I know its that HE, that Grand and benevolent He that loves……….ME
Perhaps I will allow myself to realize when the fall makes the ripple, that he loves me
Perhaps even as I see myself falling I will realize He loves me
Perhaps that security will allow me to stop, fall back onto him, and say “this is where you want me, it this ‘pain’ that you want me to feel, this is struggle you wish me to undertake”
This is what you want, you who loves me
So here I am, and here You are, help me
Help me because you love me, help me because You want to
Help me because I surrender to you,
Help me because I can surrender to you, because You love me
You love me, and I KNOW this, and therefor it fills me with warmth and happiness
Because this pain will not kill me, because this struggle will not be eternal, because finally I have help
Because I am where I am meant to be, undergoing what I am meant to undergo, feeling what I am meant to feel
Because HE, HE loves ME
