well...at least it's 30 years ago, and not the way they dress today.

I've never said this before, but I'll say it now. I'm an addict. I am an addict to lust. Even now, as I write this, I want to switch to another page, look up those old videos, and act out. For me, it is a way to find validation, to feel wanted, to feel in control, to numb the pain, to pass the time... But it is nothing less (or nothing more) than death. My entire life can get sucked into it. When I act out, it tumbles into a cycle of guilt, shame, and anger, which leads to self-pity, or ignoring my emotions (I would go to one or the other extreme.) In those conditions I would feel anxious or depressed, and eventually, I would feel there was no hope, that if I act out the few moments of relief will be worthwhile because I have nothing to hope for afterwards anyway.

When I started the videos were definitely inappropriate, but they didn't want to make me vomit when I saw them in a sober moment. Eventually, the videos were so bad that that is exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to hide away, run away, kill myself (and what beter way to kill myself than to watch more p***.) I would cry, and beat myself up to no end. I would apologize to Hashem, fast, try not to be alone with the computer. Nothing worked. The only thing I didn't try was ask Hashem for help. I never did that, ever. I felt too ashamed. It was pride.

One day I was desperate, hiding out in the library, afraid of my own hands, my own privacy. I asked Hashem for help. It wasn't even verbal. I entered a prayer into the google search bar. And then I saw GYE come up on the search list. It was nothing short of a miracle. I see miracles all the time now. Since then I have been asking for help very often (probably still not as often as I should). Hashem has entered my life in a way more real than I could have ever hoped for. This addiction, for me, is the definition of a blessing in disguise. Thank you Hashem, and thank you GYE. This is my Miriam's well, my lifeline, the ground under my feet. I love you all so much.

P.S. Hashem, Avinu shebashamayim (ve al ha'aretz mitachas), please keep me sober, keep me healthy, keep me asking for help, keep my ego down and my emunah and bitachon up, "Hashem Elokai, shivati eilecha vatirpaeni. Hashem, he'elisa min sheol nafshi, chiyisani miyardi vor. I had said in my serenity, 'I would not falter.' But Hashem, birtzoncha he'emadta lehareri oz, histarta panecha haisi nivhal..."