Hi Everyone,

This is a text message I sent to the Rabbi I am working with who is not an addict but has this plan of success for me:

"I don't know Rabbi. I'm feeling really confused. Like I have no uniform path and I was so close to letting lose this morning. Like the closest one can get to actual spillage. And I justified letting myself have pleasure. I haven't come to shul for the last 2 days and my learning wasn't good this morning. I really want to call this Jewish girl now and just have her come over. I feel like I am so messed up right now that realistically I cant get married anytime soon so how the heck am I supposed to be so stringent in all areas of my life? Its hard enough being an alcoholic but recently I have added on mitzvahs (bal Teshuva again) and now abstinence from all forms of sexual pleasure."

Man, what a tough road I am on. I really want to unite all three of these areas of my life , AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), Judiasm, and SEX addiction. But its tough trying to weave through these bec I get pulled into one lacking the other or wanting to rebel completly or justifying I need space or one thing and F my Sponsor or Rabbi or LEt me indulge in SEX or masturbation, whats the hurt I have been working so hard, but as soon as I let up a little, I want to keep saying F it and slide down even further and further and further til complete and utter demoralization. Thank G-D I didn't let loose this morning, today is my 33rd day clean! and all I know is I have an obsession with touching myself and women and if I engage it that obsession, the phenomenon of craving is alerted and I CANT STOP!!! G-d forbid I go to the dark side once again!

YC

Oy I really feel for you. I know how hard it was for me to start fighting the yetzer horah just for porn and masturbation. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do full teshuvah from everything in one go. I remember at the beginning it took all of my attention to fight the urges I had and I couldn't do anything else. More than once I hit myself repeatedly with things figuring that if I was in enough physical pain, I could not masturbate. I was advised to concentrate on other things but it was just impossible.

I think the beginning of the process is the hardest part. The mind and body are not used to their new routine, withdrawal symptoms can wreak havoc with you. I think it's important to remember that this is temporary.

You may not be completely healed in one go, but there is a barrier to get through before this new way of life starts feeling normal and easier. It's hard to break through this barrier but it has to be done. If you give up now (I'm certain that you won't), you'd just have to do it later.

Remember, most people give up just not realising how close they were to their goal.

(The thing you said about having done so well so far, it's justified to 'reward' yourself with a little relapse is the subject of a chapter of a book called 'The willpower Instinct' by Kelly MacGonigal (Moderators, I'm new here, if I shouldn't mention this book please let me know). It became very popular on YBR for a while, it explains why we struggle with willpower and has many tips and exercises on improving willpower.)

In any case, 33 days for a first attempt is phenomenal. You should be very proud, I know Hashem is. Don't give up, you're probably a lot closer to getting through the barrier than it feels like right now.

Thank G-D for your words of hope and inspiration, it brings a smile to my face and gracious thanks that someone else cares about me and my pain to overcome this problem. I don't want to give up and I am glad that you wrote "I might be real close" I really hope so!

YehoshuaCalev wrote:


I lived on the dark side of my mind for over 30 years. I went off the derech, got into drugs, came back, got married, all while still in full blown lust addiction.

B'H my first attempt at sexual sobriety has lasted four plus years. One day at a time. Welcome to the real side! Yes, the dark side is pulling fiercely. In time it will be weakened, but it will never give up. For now, it's trying to get you to give up altogether. Once it sees you're serious, it will try a million other tricks. They're all lies, all tricks. Keep your eye on the prize.

One day at a time.

Alex

thanks Alex,

He is very tricky, I almost fell hard in a bad way today! I have no doubt I would have resorted to calling up old girlfriends, one is never enough. Hashem protected me today for some reason and I am thankful. Thanks for your words of encouragement , congrats on your four years, and im happy to hear from others that are in this battle as well.

YC

When I read your post, I almost cried. I wish I could do something to help you. If you ever need anything, please just message me.

Keep on fighting. I admire you for taking on all issues at once. Kol Hakavod!

It's kind of like a Torah lecture: one asks 4, 5, 6 different questions, and with one approach all are answered beautifully. Same here: lust is only a symptom. You solve the problem by growing closer to Hashem, and slowly problems will melt away and you'll be a lot happier.

Anyway, here's an article that you should definitely read. It totally blew my mind, and I'm really glad I read it:

drsorotzkin.com/pdf/TORAH-PERSPECTIVES-ON-BOUNDARIES.pdf


Good luck!

Wow, man thanks for your support, sometimes and most times I feel so alone, the fact that you just said that is truly amazing to me and those simple words makes me want to cry to. I just want to hug another human being and cry, fall into a cloud of Hashem's glory, but my pride and ego says I cant do that because I will be too embarrassed or it will feel too awkward, I have built up such a wall, I hope it crumbles into a million pieces!!

YC