I just posted for the first time earlier this week (Chol HaMoed)... and I said over there about how I was concerned that posting specifically how I act out would add fuel to someone else's fire, so to speak... so, as others have said of their postings, please pull mine down immediately and let me know if this is inappropriate or counter-productive in this, or any other way.

Anyway - I am embarrassed to say that I acted out last night... kept myself up later to do it too... my main method is hypnosis... honestly, I've been fascinated with hypnosis for a while - and not just for improper reasons, I think. But be that as it may, I know how to hypnotize myself to "get around" my normal aversion to thinking inappropriate things... and I can do it, nebuch, without looking at anything inappropriate... it really doesn't matter... after all, haven't the rabbis taught us that "the thoughts of sin are actually worse than the act itself", or something of the like? Worse yet, sometimes I do go online via my wife's work computer when she's not around (obviously) and view not really out-and-out porn, but hypnosis induction videos... two weeks ago, I viewed one, and I am sill trying to use my own methods to reverse the effects!! Just awful.

But really, I don't think I'm any different than anyone else here... just trying to get the feel when I feel down... I have started to probe my deeper feelings to try to understand why, and I have an idea now... but that's for another post I think. I have been sometimes been able to go on 2-3 weeks without acting out, but usually not more... and sometimes it's much less than that. B"H, I did have a clean streak of about 4 months last summer... but man, I've been thrown off the horse and haven't really gotten back on since.

After discovering GYE almost a year and half ago, I thought I would be able to "take it from there" and pull myself up, but clearly that hasn't been the case. What I think I need now is to be more humble and accept and act on the good advice I can get here... even if I am uncomfortable with the process... after all, what's more important - my comfort level or fulfilling the mitzvos Hashem? I am ashamed to admit that I have been conducting myself in such a way that my answer to that question has been the former... and I would really like to change that now, be"H.

Welcome tosfos! You are a welcome "addition" to the GYE family. Have you ever spoken to anyone about your problem? It certainly passes the "uncomfortable, yet very helpful" litmus test.

Inappropriate thoughts (fantasies, really) were a major source of the lust drug for me. I was thinking about it pretty much all the time. The thoughts became sicker and more intrusive, which led me to begin suspecting something was wrong with me, that I wasn't just a healthy red-blooded male.

Admitting the problem is an important first step. Certainly, entertaining this Y"H in any way, giving him any foothold in our minds is all it's going to take to destroy the reality we're trying to build.

For intrusive and lustful thoughts, I have found that immediate and persistent tefilla works to avert them.

This is a good question... Well - I have spoken with my wife (from time to time), a therapist (2-3 times), and a friend who also shares our challenges (a few times) about my situation, but I have never gone into as much detail as I just did with my post today.

As I said before, I've finally gotten to the point where I had to ask for help in a more specific, comprehensive way... GYE has many tools to bring to bear on this problem, but I have to admit that I don't know how to apply them to my specific situation.

alexeliezer wrote:


As the Ohr Hachayim in this week's Parsha (9:6) quotes from a Midrash:

Well rabosai, I'm back posting again after too long of an absence... last night was a brutal night for me in that I kept myself up late doing things I shouldn't have been doing and ultimately fell big time. Honestly, I haven't been clean since Pesach, even though I didn't have any full-fledged falls for @ 3 weeks until last night... a lot of starting and stopping myself. I am feeling quite down about myself... I know I am messing myself up as well as not being a good husband or father... and that's "great" for regrets after the fact, but it does very little for me before, I am ashamed to say.

I really feel lost... again, GYE has tremendous tools for helping someone like me, but I don't have a clue how to apply them to my specific case... sort of what the Ramchal says in his hakdama to Mesillas Yesharim... I could try to work the maze myself, and probably stay hopelessly lost, or I could follow after the advice of one who has made it and can see where I am in the maze. How do I get myself a good coach?

Tosfos wrote:
Have you tried one of the anonymous phone conferences?

No - what are they like?

They are all different. You can read about them here guardyoureyes.com/tools/calls . Check out the menu on the right side of the page.

Most are based on the 12 steps.