Ok. What the chidush? we are all!!

but when i'm on my 84th day (if not mistaken - maybe one day +/- but this is not the point, just to be honest) while "googleing" for some "trigers" (SICK!!!) all results blucked by fileter, but here it comes, this one is not!!! HO NO!!! & this is something i didn't know about before fnging "Asro Kadisho Hodein". before starting recovery. I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS!!! HELP!!! I NEED HIGH POWER

Chevra, I must share with you how yesterday I was in the library reading posts on the forum but than, after maybe Hlaf hour 45 min i left the forum & strated googeling... & looking for youtubes.... & i asked my self Ribono Shel Olom! what am i doing here! I just left GYE! how can i look for this again! i can't do it to myself! but i could'nt stop! & than i went back to GYE to write about this. (it was all in the hebrew forum, as i mentching before i feel there more at home as it is my languege) when i came to work this morning i called a freind for help! i can't do it anymore! I'm @ work for 2-3 hours & searching the web for the rest of my "working" hours. i come home after 8 hours of "work" when only small part of it i do my job. that what happening in te past few day. today i told mysel i'm not opening the internet before i finish 1 2 3 & 4. meanwhile i did part of it & when i needed to open the internet for work porpuse i was scared of what will be.

now when it's open I'm here

Welcome!
I would highly recommend not using the internet at all, except for honest work-related purposes, and to come here. Filters or not. Just stay away. You will feel better and the struggle will be so much easier. Otherwise the Yetzer Hora will start you off with some "innocent" surfing and googleing, and quickly slide you into your drug -- every time. While your at it, guard your eyes in other settings as well.
Hatzlocha!
Alex

i have had another fall last thrusday it was so hard for me to admit it. to face the pain. the pain was so strong. i wanted & looked for some "slips" without falling. but is not posible. that heat me a lot. so instead i did another sick thing. i went head & opened onther "new usser" (in the hebrew GYE) & "hide" behind it.

yesterday i relize that my only way to recovery is stopping this "running away" and face the pain. which was the main reason for me not to come to recovery. as the only way i knew to deal with pain was just to run away. to escape it. so i told everyone there about this & it was relif for me. few haevy stones got out my shoulders.

of course i took more steps into recovery. i re-started my first step & took some other action which this place is not the apropriate place to write. hoping to relize that i'm powerless. not just say it.

Thanks for sharing.

thanks for lisening

a minute ago i had another fall!

eanough! i tought it's behind me!

עש"ק צו - הגדול, י"א ניסן ה' תשע"ג March 22, 2013

hopefully this will be the final date!!!

Hatzlochoh, man!!

Remember that if your'e really powereless then it's only with Hashem's help that you won't fall, and that help comes one day - sometimes one minute - at a time. He is with us always, whenever we want Him to save us today. He won't remove tomorrow's temptation today, or even yesterdays - just todays.

All the best!!!

Chaim

yasher koach for the chizuk.

i came back now after not being here the gantze yom tov (& few day after) & see this "old stuff".

wow what a reminder! i thought i 'm powerful! almost 3 weeks w/o a fall.

thank you for reminding me "me-ain basi - u'le-an ani holech" if i leave the program.

enough is enough! why I had to do it to myself why go back to gehinom? why did i have to read this article & "get it out"?

when will i stop it already! i gave up! let's say i re-start my counting by saying Erev Rosh Chodesh Iyar is my day 1; what will be than? will i ever make it again?

I'm crying! I can't handle it anymore! עד מתי אני פוסח על שני הסעיפים? finish to read in אתרא קדישא הדין & move to other places. for another "portion"

Calm down, dear chaver.

A good guy (perhaps in a moment of serenity) recorded the following:

I need to remember that:
I'm no a bad person; I'm sick.
I'm not Choteh. I'm Chole.
It take time & effort to stay sober but it worth it.

Best wishes for more serenity and hatzlacha

MT

צדיק גמור wrote:


I feel your pain. I had asked myself this question for more than 20 years.

but only you can answer that question for yourself.

Try to answer this in real terms:

How far your you willing to go to achieve sanity?

Much love,

Eli

Thank you! I realy needed this chizukim. (& the reminder to read my signutare).

I do feel an urge to "do it again! if i lost it what else do i have to loose?!

קלי,
תן לי את השלווה לקבל את הדברים שאין ביכולתי לשנותם. (this last "acting out")
אומץ לשנות את אשר ביכולתי. (rest of day)
ואת התבונה להבחין בין השנים.


רצונך יעשה ולא רצוני!

after looking yesterday in "those places" i felf very down. i got home & my wife decided to come to me... i didn't have cheshek for her... but there was no way in the world i could push her away for the simple reason she doesn't have to suffer... she suffered enough... (plus i wasn't going to tell her "sorry i saw already other ladies online today i don't need it again") i tried to be there for her but of course it wasn't what i was looking for.. i was looking for the unreal... just like online.... but nobody can give it to me... i got up & felt empty... i "used her body" & still wasn't satisfy... today i felt an urge to look for some more stuff... something more interesting... so i put myself into deep work. & didn't let myself go online for non-work related. (almost, i did the non-work related things very short & with fear) BH so far i was able to go thrue the day w/o a new "looking" "googling" etc.