So the rich sister with her husband is here in town for a week.The sister that my wife looks up to so much.the brother in law who hardly says a word to me.if you dont have momey you are nobody.Its true hes bascially ocd and it is hell to love with him. but they have a beautiful hous in yerushalim and a apt inhar nof and he supports all his kids in kolled.My kids love me and they would not want to be his child.My wife im not so sure particularly that hes in shape and i am obese.so its difficult .Dovid chayim reminded me that i will be judged if i was the best nachman that i could have been.or did I overcome my dmons Five years ago I had a massive depression brought on I think by my acting out and what it caused.I had gone off my meds at my wifes insistance and wanted to jump off a bridge.It has been a long haul to get healthy again and then to earn real money agin but i have accomplished alot.Now i am working on the main isue my masturbation.The issue is i can hardly get a good word out of my wife . i have to stop caring.She grew up with critism and even though i have bult her up for 30 years she feels its coming to her but she cant praise me except a drop now and then how do i break away from being a good guy but not needing her approval?

It is nice when someone pats you on the back right? I know I live it.

However, someone else's approval, even your wife, does not define you. You have to know your self worth. You have to know your accomplishments.

You also sound kind if jealous of your brother-in-law. Remember, aiza haAshir Hasameach bechelko.

I second MBJ's opinion; you sound kind of jealous. However, besides for the halachik issue of being jealous, what is there really to be jealous of? Just because he appears wealthy doesn't mean that he is enjoying life, being successful in a meaningful way or even actually wealthy. I don't mean to cast doubts on people but just because his life looks good from the outside doesn't mean that he isn't with us here on this forum or even worse having a problem (whether like ours, alcohol or something else) which he's not dealing with. It doesn't mean that he doesn't go hungry at night because his spent all his money on nice housing and doesn't have enough food to eat.

I think those of us here have the advantage (though sometimes we forget) of knowing that life isn't about the looks. I look like a nice frum bachur but although now I like to think that maybe I am, I certainly wasn't a few months ago before joining GYE and taking back control of many areas of my life.

I too have a "neediness" for other peoples approval, especially my wife.

When i don't get approval then i feel unworthy.

For me this is linked to my sex addiction. "I can't manage my life. I need other people to manage my life for me."

Long term recovery for me includes getting recovery from co-dependency.

Welcome Rabbi Pooped!

I hear where you're coming from.
I'm probably more like your brother in law in terms of what I have in life. Praise and spontaneous loving words from my wife are still a rarity. We have a good relationship. But years of abusing our relationship to get my lust fix have had its effect (you can read all about it in my thread in the Baalei Batim's section).
Now that I'm in recovery, and haven't looked at porn, ogled a woman, or masturbated in close to four years, things are gradually improving.

A few thoughts came to mind as I read your post.
You can change the things you can change. You don't have to be obese. Heck, you can even be buff if you choose. You might have a food addiction that also needs to be addressed. So get on a healthy diet and start walking and lifting weights.

If you haven't read it, or haven't in a while, I recommend Garden of Peace by R' Shalom Arush. In addition to becoming a better husband, you will also find the chapter titled "Be a Man" very enlightening.

I wish you much hatzlocha in your journey, and do keep us posted.
Worthwhile change rarely happens overnight, but with determination and persistence (commitment), you can turn things around and be happy.

Love,
Alex

I thank all of you for taking the time to answer me .i thak you alex for what i felt was real support. as for the first two respnses i dont think it is constructive just to say Im jealous.if i am jealous which i probably am in some ways i need constructive suggestions to get at the roo of jealousy ,I also feel there is another element which a person like me witlow self esteem suffers.If a person basically hardly says hello to you when you are with him when he has nothing to say to you ever and when he is well to do .Its easy to think you are lacking or less than.especially if youve gone thru a diifficult time .and then when you have gone thru a rough time and the rich 'frum' one cant talk to you a bit or offer some token help.My non frum brothers one of whos kid married a shiksa has been helpful he has cared .This hugely wealthy man who is colse with all the biggest sephardic and breslev rabbis cant even lift a finger, so I dont know ifi am jealous or just plain resentful.

123pooped wrote:

You're right; I'm sorry for being so unhelpful and judgmental. That was not what I had intended to do. I really meant to point out that by being here you/we are improving your/our live(s) in a real way which many others are not. When you see someone being successful on the outside just know that you are making it count where it really matters. I know that it is not always possible to think this way but at least sometimes this thought may help.

I agree with Alex that working on you own sex addiction can change worlds with you marriage.
I'm finding in recovery that when I am consciously aware of my own ilness and character defects, and am putting in the effort to get the necessary help, that I care a lot less about where exactly my wife is or isn't holding. I am able admit that I have my share in the problem, I feel how I am growing and getting much better, I don't have to feel stuck in her problems. My focus has shifted from her to me, and that's way better because me I can actually do something about.

All the best!!!!

No question you have valid taynos.
But you can't change him.
You can change what you can change.
And not doing so would be a shame.
We're each put here for a purpose, and given the exact circumstances we need to achieve success.
Resentment is counterproductive. For an addict it's poison.
Daven that Hashem should help you judge everyone favorably, and that you should be able to redirect your focus on your self. That's where the money is. The real money. The sweetness of a life lived.

I am sorry, if you took what I said the wrong way. I did not mean to sound judgmental, I wanted to point out, perhaps not eloquently enough, that the bitterness you feel for your brother-in-law, is not helpful. Feelings of resentment will only make you feel worse about yourself. As I did say in my first post, you have to believe in yourself and know what you are worth. Not what others think you are worth. In the end of the day everyone has their own nisyonos and problems. And while the grass always seems greener, it never really is. You have to believe that whatever your lot is, that is what Hashem wants for you. You can daven for changes, but ultimately what Hashem gives you is what is best for you, even though it may not seem that way on the surface.

I have a similar issue about approval from my wife. It seems to me she only criticizes and never compliments. I have been trying to teach myself to not expect it by knowing that I have many good points, and she does see them, even if she wouldn't say them.

It sounds like you have overcome many issues in your life so far, and that you are still trying to work on more. For that I congratulate you. Now you have to congratulate yourself.

Hatzlocha

MY DEAR FRIEND

How ARE you?

First things first. No Self-Pity. You got it? You can change yourself and you will. I know 100% how big of a pain family stress can be and sometimes how they make me want to escape to my little den of pathetic self soothing. Deep down I can admit that Ill say "I cant deal with this. I cant deal with this STRESS, I cant deal with this GARBAGE.. AHH!!! I need to escape." and then comes the self-pity. The excuses. How can I get my fix. Its not REALLY the stress. Its me getting depressed and wanting my fix, but I know I wont have an excuse (Ill never have an excuse, but at least enough to soothe the conscience momentarily) so I have to get REAL depressed and down and selfpitying in order to indulge.

So first things first. get that out! your not a pathetic weakling who cant handle life! You can succeed and you need to remember that at all times. Yes itll be hard and youll need help and advice, and youll stumble, but in the end you allways have to get up.

So thats A.

Now secondly, I would recommend reading the book ethalech/as long as I live, The book is nice, but the main thing youll get from it is at the end,after reading this guys struggles how he never gives in and keeps fighting back. thats where the umpf of the book is but you need to read it from the beginning to get that pump.
Its also about accepting responsibility for ourselves/
like Alex was mentioning, you have to do what you can do.

My list of priorities
1- Tefilla
2- Figuring out and quantifying all the different problems, exactly (write this out) and all the different solutions youve undoubtedly thought of or heard from others.
3- lmashal, Porn addiction. too much free time. self-pity. easy access. no healthy outlet. depressed about weight.
solutions. make a schedule (youll learn as you go which eitzot fit you the best) read up on things that will help develop self esteem and avoid self pity, ethalech, feeling good, distracting myself with my hobby of oh I dont know counting the boxes on the sidewalk(clomar, WALKING!) easy access- make it harder!, healthy outlet/weight. Excercise! cant allways excercise play chess! figure it out! your a big boy and you can DO IT!

The main thing I feel is to not let yourself get down and feel like I cant I cant. because when your in that zone all the encouragement just feeds the self-pity somehow.

I get caught up on the praise of others, Ill come to need it if I start moaning about my bitter fate; dont let yourself believe that your incapable of helping yourself (avadeh Only Hashem can help you, were just talking about our efforts)(oh and teffilla thats important to develop a real relationship with hashem by talking honestly to him)
and dont try to fool others that your incapable.
GO WALKING WITH YOUR WIFE OMG THATS A GREAT IDEA??

hmm....

right so self-pity encouragement makes us dependent on the praise of others to function. The will to fight of REALIZING that NO ONE ELSE CAN HELP YOU BUT YOURSELF (well be there to help but in the end its on you and me and each one to his own) BECAUSE G-D MADE IT THAT WAY.

hmm,..

remember its hard and we grow FROM our falls not despite them. (R Hutner zt'l)
Each time analyze what went wrong and see what you can do for the future.
A fall is an opporunity to learn'

HATZLACHA!

Thats my megilla from me to you.

Purim came early this year



Have a Happy Purim!

Thank you all for your encouragement i will try to find ethalech amoungst other things.the whole parsh reached acreshendo with our purim "seudah' I really tried to help my wife i went shopping theree times for the thing.At the meal i felt i was a normal host.No i didnt msake lebedic cause no one else was making lebedic.but after the meal she gave it to me and said I had been a snob oh thats a good one.i didnt act out but i ate out of my pain.thank you all for caring and trying .I will continue to try and with hashems help i will make progress.

Ya! Now that's more like it. Ok she called you a name. Like they say in Yiddish - "chazak ubaruch" , aph et ze achnis in the troubles. Don't obsess over it Hahem is testing you.
Bh I'm happy to hear that you've take a more optimalistic attitude. Have you started doing any of your solutions? My rule is if I don't do it NOW it won't get done. And if not now WHEN? (That's a vort I saw Im lo achshav ematai? If not now then decide when)
Hatzlacha! I'm done with Internet for some time now. I've been off for two months or so and one weekend has already sucked me in to games and time wasters so now ich need to be mechazek
You'll be ok keep strong

Dear 1-3P,

I hear your pain, and i can identify so strongly.

I'm not gonna try to give advice. I'n not qualified to do that.

I can only share my own experience. If you identify, good. If not, then just leave it.

Part of the problem is that i give my wife the power to hurt me. I don't know how to feel good about myself and i'm therefore desperate for other people's approval. It gets to a point where everything i do is for other people, because i crave for a compliment.

Co-dependency is just another addiction. I am dependant on other people.

The closer i am to someone, the more i crave a compliment from them, and the more i get hurt when i get a criticism from them.

thank you again you all are wonderful.how does one brak away from codependancy?HOW CAN I LEARN NORT TO CRAVE her compliments when they are so few and mine are so many.do I deliberately limit mine I push my self to complemet her and the kids I know it is good for them.iCANT SEE STOPPING Eeven if it is one way.
but last night i had a shtikle breakthrough because of the duvids chaims call someone said hes learned to realize when he examined qn issue qnd see that he did no wrong and it was the other persons problem.So thats what i did and last night when she sat down to tell me agin how bad i was to her i stood my ground politely(after losing it the night befor)she said her tainos on the meal.I said I had not snubed anyone.She admitted she saw nothing first hand cause she was in the kiitchen most of the time but it had been quiet.Then I remembered it had been quite for a decent time cause my two brotherin laws decided to speak to eachother at my table in french and i had difficullty followin.She then said he whole tanna was based on something her mother had said oh wonderful.She sees her position weakenin .NOW SHES GOING TO ASK HER SISTER if i had ben a gracious host.crazy. but thank you all i hope to start doing halache yomi i think its the best way for me to do some learning.