Some of you old-timers may remember me from a while back. For everyone, I'm sorry about the explicit language...

Me being back has nothing to do with my being back. I know that makes no sense, but that's the only way I can explain it. I'm as confused as ever, and conflicted as ever.

This is just a quick write-up for how I'm feeling, and it by no means is a complete journal of everything that's happened in the past...

For those of you wondering where I was: I fell down. Hard. I had oral sex with a guy, and then another one, and another, totaling 7 guys with whom I had 8 encounters altogether. Not great, I know.

I have stronger feelings than ever before for sex, and I now masturbate daily. Not great, I know.

I have really strong feelings (which I've actually never felt before) for a relationship with a guy, and to try to develop that relationship into something special (marriage maybe?).

The other side is that I've been going to therapy now for 15 weeks... and I do feel better about myself in certain areas. Not saying that I've been cured or even close to cured, but something's changing within...

The whole goal of the website is to stop me from looking at all these terrible things, but honestly, I have a long way to go before those become the big problems. And so, I post here, humbled, feeling stupid, lonely, and terrified at what everyone will think of me for the mere sake of being desperate. Can someone help? Can someone relate? Does anyone know of anything that could help? Someone please help...

Joey

Joey, welcome back!!

Yes you are back, and it has everything to do with being back. Just coming back here and sharing is a huge step forward. Progress may be slow but you're headed in the right direction.

And yes I can relate to your conflict and confusion quite well...

Have you kept in touch with your Rabbi and the other people who you were speaking to about this? There's nothing better than support from real-life people.

Meanwhile stick around here and keep in touch. You are not alone.

Esh Tamid Tukad....

Gevura!

Wow Joey, I must tell you that I felt the same way once, when I read your post I identified myself, those feelings....

I know that it is not easy, but still you can do it. I still struggle with this SSA and it has been extremely hard, but the people in this website has taught me that I can change myself.

Duvid Chaim said in a conference call that we need to "rise above our nature" and that is what I'm trying to do every day.

I noticed in your post something extremely important and basic in recovery... and that is that you WANT to recover, you WANT to be healthy, you WANT to be a great yid with a real relationship with Hashem... Wanting to get out is the key to recovery.

I remember reading in JONAH's website that they can only help the ones who really want to stop having attraction to men.

I will daven for you, because I know that it must be very hard for you to be in that situation, I've been there.

Please, please don't give up, believe in yourself, start today, archive greatness, because if you get over this problem (which you will) for sure you will be a very elevated neshama...

I'm here if you need anything!!

Wishing you lots of Siata Dishmaya...!

Eli

Not at all surprised at what you've been up to.
Because despite all the guilt you express, I never got the sense from your writings that you are truly committed to recovering from your lust addiction or rising above your SSA. Only when you feel you can't go on like this anymore, that you want to live a more normal life, at least on the outside, will you have hope. It will never be easy. But there are men here who are doing it.

And yes, the more you have physicality with men, the more you're going to yearn for deeper relationships with them. "He who feeds it is hungry."

What will it take for you to commit?