It seems most people on this site r married, im not but i would hate to be married and still be completely out of control of my desires- how can i tell when im in control, it seems the only time there was a real test is when i fail. how ironic. anyway here i just want to post a point which is relevent to this thread and which bothers me. That is that even if im busy, doing something productive, when i settle down to relax, do something perfectly innocent, play music watvr, sometimes, not always, i just slip. and after im like, wat the hell was that all about? its a frustrating addiction. sometimes its after yomtov, i dont know why, sometimes i feel really good, spiritualy, and then boom i throw it all down the drain - litrely! alot more to say, but for here thatl be enough.

anonofcourse:

First of all, let me say that the fact that you are posting your frustrations on this forum, is a step in the right direction. And, if you are truly committed to kicking this addiction, and taking control of your body, then you will be able to do it!

You wrote: "is that even if im busy, doing something productive, when i settle down to relax, do something perfectly innocent, play music watvr, sometimes, not always, i just slip"

I would like to hear a little more about what you consider to be "productive" because settling down, relaxing and listening to music or whatever, may not be the best way for a struggling Jew to overcome his  Yetzer Hara.


Please elaborate, so we can figure this out together.

Also, you write that" sometimes its after yomtov, i dont know why, sometimes i feel really good, spiritualy, and then boom i throw it all down the drain - litrely! "

Well, this is how the Yetzer Hara works, and everyone on this site can identify with that! Precicely when te Menuval sees that we have grown a bit spiritually, is when he starts up his nasty tricks again and convinces us that we have been so good on Yom Tov, and we deserve a little masturbation to "relax" after working so hard....

its all baloney! you are a lot stronger than that! You dont need to fall for his traps every time.

Please psot some more about your situation, so we can work this out with the help of all the good people here.

Chazak V'Ematz!

There is no such thing as failure.  We believe in progress, not perfection.  Every time you are able to overcome the Yetzer Horah, even for one day, one hour, you are on a higher level and when you slip, your slipping is a lesson that you still have midos to work on.  I have fear of success and everytime i get really close to being good for a period of time, or I'm working on a major deal and I'm just about to get it, I'll do something stupid and jeapordize my success. Each time you slip you are on a different level of understanding and this gets you closer to your goal of serenity, freedom and healing.

You feel good, it's after Yom Tov and you're high spiritually, then that voice comes in and says, HEY YOU'RE not supposed to be happy, you need some more exotic excitement in your life and you give in.  We've all done it.

Yes, it's a cunning and baffling addiction.  But doing productive things after work is a good thing, as long as their also have some form of spirituality or give you a sense of accomplishment when you complete them.  It's a lot more difficult when you're single.  That's why I would recommend getting a partner to hold you accountable, a sponsor you can call and just talk every day after work, and when you feel
like acting out.

Keep strong.... you'll make it.

A

Elya K, you are 1000% right!

Btw, here is something I posted on my website, which I think you may all appreciate:

אני לדודי ודודי לי

אני לדודי ודודי לי
I am to my Beloved [Hashem] and my beloved [Hashem] is to me.(Shir Hashirim 6:3).

דרשו ד' בהמצאו קראהו בהיותו קרוב
Seek out Hashem when he is nearby, call out to him when he is near.(YeShaya 55:6)

Chazal tell us that the  Pesukim above  are referring to the month of Elul!

The 40 days from Rosh Chodesh Elul until Yom Kippur are a special period when Hashem is extremely close to us, and he is waiting for us to return to him, to do Teshuva (repentance) and to strengthen ourselves in Torah, Tefilah and Good Deeds. Not only is it important  to grow spiritually in this time period, it is also much easier to attain higher and loftier goals than it would normally be during the rest of the year. Let's take advantage of this closeness to Hashem and become better Jews in all areas of our lives , and thus hasten the coming of Mashiach and the rebuilding of the bais Hamikdash very soon. Amen! 

oh wow that was a quick responce. btw wat happened to the website, i cant find it, only this forum - wat is it called guardyoureyes.org no?
thanks for the replys, advice etc the truth is i dont really feel comfortible with al the - u can do it its a special time of the year - i get that from my rabbi, nt that he doesnt offer good advice, i just need advice that actually works, i dont understand the whole twelve steps thing, they dont seem to be very practical or concrete. steps 1-7 is pretty much in place, otherwise i wouldnt be here,  8,9 dont apply thank g-d, and theyr all so similar too! seems like psychobabble, i need something real.
i would like to mention something which might not be the topic of this forum, noone else has mentioned it, but its relevent to me so i will.
ive always been shy. i dont really remember ever having to talk in public, took me years to say the manishtana @ the table, instead of from outside the door!
now - not sure which order this should go in so tell me if i lose u - i never really liked school, hated homework and could never get work done, wen the pressure was really on id just skip school. then wen i reached 12, 13 a new problem came up, wenever i would be mzl i would be red in the face, even the next day, i could never go to school like that, i started to take off, till a point i was at home most of the week - with plenty time on the comp of course.
a major problem was and still is in public speaking, i goo a deep red. at first i thought it was b/c of being mzl now im not sure - it may hav triggered it. now im over 20 and i cant live with myself knowing that i can never talk in public without making a fool of myself. oh and i go red other times too, this happens less now ithink then it used to. it used to be in loads of situations. most recently was wen a girl turned up in the store i was working and i just went really red, i couldnt think strieght, im thinking she probly thinks im crazy.
basically i think its all one big picture - no self confidence, not being productive, bad social skills - not terrible actually just not too great. i know i paint a bad picture of myself - oh thats also part of the problem. omg lol but its not funny.

Dear,anonofcourse,  your situation seems very similar to mine (i hope to post my story soon)i have about 30 years experience fighting the horrible monster, the vicious, decietful, evil, wicked, rotten, cruel, merciless, mean menuval. for now, i have a few points for you. firstly, you wrote that it seems the only real tests are when i fail. let me tell you from experience, THAT IS ONE OF HIS MEANEST TRICKS. he even once convinced me that i had grown out of the taava. make it very clear to yourself that every hour that you dont do an avairoh is a great victory and a tremendous step in the right direction. even if you- chas veshalom- ultimately give in to the urge, every second that you held back is an immesurable achievement. so start counting your successes. secondly, the shyness definately does have alot to do with it. if you can develop a ciose relationship with a good rabbi, i believe it will help alot. thirdly, the main cause is probably anxiety and/or depression so you really have to concentrate your effort on simcha. the best solution there is, is to put alot of energy and livelyness in to davening and torah learning. the website is guardureyes.com and in my opinion it is one of the best things in the world, and this forum is even better.

Dear anonofcourse,

I know you probably are expecting a frum, yeshivish answer to your speaking dilemma.  There is a simple, cheap and guaranteed method to overcoming speaking in public.  I went from being scared to speak in public, a quiet person to someone who loves to speak in public.  I'm still quiet and when I get up to speak, people say, ? never knew you had so much to say."

Answer: TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL.  $18 FOR 6 MONTHS. Is it worth $18 (Chai) to help yourself overcome this fear?   toastmasters.org .

Let me know when you find a meeting near you and join. Remember, the only way to get past fear is to do the very thing you fear.  Whether its speaking or sobriety.  They are actually quite related.  Addiction, shyness, quietness.  That's why the way to heal your addiction is through talking to others about it, even on this forum.

In our phone group, people have been on for a month now and maybe 1 out of 8 people has had a slip.
It's a very powerful method to help you.  You have to willing to take the first step and begin. You won't make a fool of yourself because no one judges you or gives you advice.  You just talk it out, then the next person talks it out.  Problems are solved later privately.  Listening to others is also powerful.
I hope to "see" you on the calls.

Dear anonofcourse,

Elya K, with his "no-nonsense" approach to healing, is definitely your best bet. You can talk to him anonymously once a week, and he is also the moderator of the Jewish Healing Group. Join the group today and you'll be well on your way to a new you!

May Hashem be with you!

Ok thanks for that suggestion, and no im not really expecting a frum answer, just one that works. but i see about a hundred toastmasters in ny, how do i know which to choose? some of them r in churches, i want a normal one.
just wanted to mention, b4 coming to this forum i always looked at porn and jacking off as two separate addictions, for some reason, not as the outcome of the same obsession. for jacking off id always just move on and say 'ive done the wrong thing, but thers no point in being depressed' on the advice of my rabbi, which is actually the advice of the rebbe rashab 5th lubavitcher rebbe.
porn was alot more dificult, id hav to think of difirent excuses not to be depressed. but it was always two separate things. of course my rabbis advice wasnt working b/c im still feeding my obsession with porn. i only realised this today actually, so we'll see.

anonofcourse,

You might have to try a couple groups till you find one you like. 
The church ones are not usually in the sanctuary so its OK but
make sure they are not Christian oriented.  They are no supposed
to be but you never know.  find one that is convenient time wise
for you and close by.

On the other topic.  It is all part of the same addiction.  We are all
medicating ourselves in different ways to stop the pain of loneliness,
low self esteem, and sometimes even depression.

It's a vicious cycle.  A person acts out, gets depressed or feels bad and
then acts out again so he won't feel bad and the cycle continues.

Find out if something else is causing your depression. Or is it just the acting out?

It may be a chemical imbalance and you can get medicine to help you.  If you feel good, you're not going
to act out as much.

a

about the toastmasters - its only twice a month! anyway thats just the way it is. im gono try one.

was clean for three days - sounds stupid but i hav my own room and a computer - then fell in headfirst, seems like the higher u go the harder you fall, yeh yeh i know the opposite is even more true, just dificult to see it now.
i think i need a sponser though, maybe just by email for now.
im not really depressed, but ther is def. more to it than just the porn, like self confidence like i said. i just read some stuff about social anxiety, and it seems i hav a mild case,  i just want to feel comfortible wherever i am - wer can i get help? im still in yeshiva so i hav almost zero money for this, but its something thats held me back from so many things in life and caused me so much embaresment and stress, i just hav to kick it, to live normally, and like u say this is all part of the prob.

Anon,
I'm happy to be your sponsor via email.  I'd rather do that privately via email, instead of the forum (no offense everyone else).  If you have little money, an SLAA or SA group is free and would help you.  I can help you get through the process also.

Toastmasters:  Good for you for checking into it.  It will also help boost your confidence in general.

Congrats, on your three days. You just proved to yourself that you can do it. So just take it one day at a time from now on.  We'll talk about the computer in your room. I have a book I'd like to send you also.
So be in touch.  My email is yidvre@gmail.com.

A

Dear anon,

You are smart and brave for facing these issues early in life. Waiting until you are married and a father will only exaggerate the problem and cause untold anguish to you and your future family.

About the computer, I can tell you with almost certainly that there is no way you will successfully break free of the addiction to porn without either getting the computer out of your room and / or installing a fool-proof filter, preferably server based and whitelist. For more on filters and understanding the terms, please see our filter section here. A person can't have a prostitute in their closed up room and hope not to sin, even a Tzaddik, all the more so someone who has been addicted to this for a while. If you are serious about change, which you should be now while you are still a Bocher (and before it affects others as well), you must must get a very strong filter and get that computer out of the room if possible.

Again, I commend you for facing down your problems. If only others would be willing to face them while they are still young, our world would be a much happier and better place!

Sigh...If only I ad this forum when I was young and single.....

...then you wouldn't be a tenth of the moderater and chizuk machine that you are now.