Im grateful to hashem for giving me the strength to keep myself clean for 3 full days (almost 4 days)
however. yesterday and today i went again downhill... I fell twice per day!!!
I dont know how to explain myself..... from one second to the other im being attacked and im giving in without any fight really going on.. IM just giving in before I even realize anything... before even thinking about anything i foind myself deep deep down and its done... like on one moment im sure ill stay clean for another month at least and the next thing i know is.... its all over

hashem please help get the vision i need right when Im being challenged I should be able to stay focused

im wrote on 20 Nov 2012 03:30:


Wow, so well said. So 'our story'.

Now, what do you want Him to give you the help to be focused on?

Bh im thrilled that im back on the 90 day chart.
Im now in my mid sixth day... with 5 days super clean in the can.. not even a slip

what confuses me is that i dont know how i made it...what exactly had i done differently in the past that i couldnt hold on for a day... knowing the problem ids the first step to the solution...
I have to believe it is just a stronger sense of determination.. if thats the case I dont know how to hold on to my commitment, as its not tangible..
but I guess..... ill just be determined

thank you all

im wrote on 27 Nov 2012 16:50:


What worked, and continues to work for me is channelling my determination toward avoiding that first slip at all costs. This means keeping away from unwatched computers, not picking up even mainstream magazines, and of course, not looking at women, AND, surrendering my intrusive mental images and fantasies as soon as I detect them. In short, staying well out of harm's way. It's the only way I know to get sober.

alexeliezer wrote on 27 Nov 2012 18:18:

wow that sums everything up in such a simplistic way.. not to look... not to think.... avoid triggers....
I believe if ill work hard preventing the first step It would serve as a gate not to fall. In other words, by putting every effort possible to avoid any kind of slipping, it would redefine my battle... so now im concentrating not to slip.... who thinks about a fall?

anyhow
yet another day in the can b"h... tonight im going to celebrate a full clean week without a fall... (rarely a slip, maybe a bad thought that lasted about a minute or two)
haven't been able to say that in a very long time.... yeps a rock solid clean week (well almost. another few hours to go)
as my fingers roll here on the key bored... im literary filled with joy... I just cant explain.. you have to be in my stage to understand me... the pride and real pleasure im having... hodi lashem... keep me going for as long as i live

.... whats for the menu?

try to keep yourself busy!

Also, I really believe that all what Hashem wants is to prove him that we want to get out... if we do real hishtadlus he'll do the rest.

Once I asked a very great Rabbi, that how is it possible that we dont know the strenght of the Yetzer? How we dont know how big he is....? he answered me litteraly "its not difficult, its impossible"... and he explaned that we can only beat him with the help of Hashem... thats why i think that praying helps. So by showing him that we want to be better neshamos He will come and take us out.

I personally think you are doing a great effort. Believe in yourself and in G-d that you will be able to get out and you will certainly will.

We're all in this together. Im just trying to share what is working for me...

alexeliezer wrote on 27 Nov 2012 18:18:


Tried and true!! It is Alex who I am following and doing so for over 40 days!!! (Yes over 40 days, at one stage I was masturbating at least once a day and this is by far my longest streak). Alex kept on writing on my thread and on almost every thread I read that you must take good care of your eyes. After not listening to Alex and nonstop masturbating for a while I took upon myself to not look on the streets, for the first two weeks it was tough, but now I love it because of the calmness it brought into my mind at not having to look and think about every piece of girl I see and getting dizzy and unsettled from it.

Yitzchok

thank you guys for your input...

oh how i wish that i wouldn't have any busha (shame) at all, for without it i would run out to the streets to dance and dance... yeps bh im over a full week clean now
im not just saying so... im truly filled with such an amount of joy and pride it just pours out of me.. its more than im allowed to have...

hashem help me continue this streak for as long as i live...

ישיש עליך אלקיך כמשוש חתן על כלה

Thanks so much for allowing us to share in your great simcha!
I feel like I'm dancing at your simcha together with all GYE chevra.
I picture the angels up there dancing along with all of us.

Maybe, as an incentive to keep up the momentum, you should make a minhag that at the end of every additional clean day, you should go into a private room and dance for the simcha of the great gift which Hashem gave you.

Hatzlacha!

MT

Machshovo wrote on 29 Nov 2012 18:41:


believe me im dying to do just that... lock my door... turn on some music... and just dance me myself and me.. while tears of simcha rolling down my cheek... no childish overexited talk.. i just cant stay still i have to give it out
but there is always a chance of anyone walking in and whoops.... this guy is off the walls .... honestly thats the the only reason holding me back

what the heck what people think...
העכער העכער העכער, העכער צום באשעפער, העכער צום באשעפער דארף מען זיין אהא הוי הא..... נענטער צום באשעפאר זאל מען זיין
sing along everyone (me myself me and me... everyone)

It may sound inappropriate to do the dancing in the locked bathroom, but on the other hand - for our situation - it may be most appropriate (Hashem will surely understand).

MT

I have danced that way, many times, INA. And I want to share with you that it is a nice thing - but extreme. It's a feeling of throwing it all off - all olam hazeh, all tayvoh, all protocol, and all worries - and dancing before Hashem (and of course He is also in the bathroom with you!)

But the extreme swings are part of what keep many of us in the addiction cycle. Even the religious ecstasy when expressed this way - and I know it well - is fire. And fire warms...and it can also burn. For "throwing it all off and 'just' being with Hashem!" - is in a certain respect immature. Childish. Pure...but still immature.

Yaakov's Ladder was planted on the ground.

I am not chas v'Sholom criticizing or minimizing - just wishing you hatzlocha with siyata diShmaya to keep it in balance. The great avodah.

And sometimes I feel myself exploding with joy or gratitude or deveikus like I am ready to just give up my life for Him right now - and (on a good day) I take that explosion and put it into calling my mother and asking her how her day is going...and listening for 10 minutes to her ramble - and really listen, and care, and love her as Hashem wants me to. Or into other undeniably good things.

Hatzlocha!!

(and don't lose the dancing!)

dov wrote on 30 Nov 2012 16:09:


As the Maharal explains beautifully: We are told that the mid-point of the ladder was directly over the mokom hamikdash. Why davka the mid-point? We can understand that the foot of the ladder or its head has significance, but what's special about the middle of it?

Answers the Maharal: The Bais Hamikdash was a place where a balance was struck between heavenly and earthly concepts. Such as taking earthly animals and turning them into heavenly sacrifices. Therefore, since the foot of the ladder was on the earth and the top reached the heaven, so the mid-point represents the balance between heaven and earth. That's why it was positioned directly over the Bais Hamikdash, which has the same significance.

Shabbat Shalom

MT

Sweet.

But what does that have to do with dancing in the bathroom?

Dancing is heavenly. Bathroom is earthly. Together it's a balance.

Anyhow, I'm not a Rishon. You don't need to be medayek every word of mine.

(At least tonite at Lecho Dodi, when you feel like dancing, you might think of me and smile.)

Git Shabbis, mein minkatcher landtsmann!

MT