I used to be Mifatfait Biyitzro, now I'm Charlie. I changed my name, on this thread I explained why: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=5489.0
(I don't really know how to hyperlink, I just did copy/paste and hopes it works).

My basic desire to change is that I'm realizing more and more that I simply have to change my outlook on this whole issue if I don't want to spend the next 20 years (or more) struggling to sometimes barely stay sober.

It's so obvious that I need to take on the 12 step attitude and feel powerlessness and start relying only on Hashem and work harder to avoid triggers and...., but somehow the Y"H manages to stop any effort after a short time. His most successfull tactic is convincing me that this is all the wrong haskofoh and I should stop all this monkey buisness and simply fight him head on until I win, of course all this starting right away after one last juicy acting out....

On of the biggest pro's here told me to just do powerlessness even when I don't feel it, little by little it'll sink in (like the mesilas yesharim says about zerizus and humility). I tried it several times and was blown away by the immediate effect, but somehow each time after a week or so I burnt out. I guess after several hard days of not feeling what I'm doing it maybe stopped working?

But now I'm determined to give it one last do or die shot. 8 days ago I decided that until Elul I'm doing powerlessness with no ifs ands or buts, even if I'll feel it's the worst thing in the world for me I don't care. Since then I've been perfectly clean, I beg Hashem every day to help me continue recoveing - one day at a time. After these 5-6 weeks are up I'll see if this works, maybe I'll need some additional help to get sober? Only Hashem knows.

I love all you fellow GYE chevra, thanks for all of your unbelievable help.

A way to reinforce my understanding of just how powerless I am over lust
is to list all the low-life, embarassing, out-of-character, sick things I've fantasized about,
looked at, and did, all b'shem my avodah zara -- Lust.

I would be divorced, estranged from my kids, put in cheirem, hunted, jailed, stoned, strangled, diseased, and just plain miserable were I to actually have followed through on my addiction.
Yet these thoughts gave me my greatest pleasure. Lust had full power over me.

If that's not powerless, I don't know what is.

Last night was really tough, with Hashem's help I made it through intact. The Y"H tried convincing me that I need to fall so that I won't think too quickly that this new "giving up" project gives me enough power to beat him and then if I fall I'll be depressed so I have to fall one last time just to show that I'm still really powerless...

I know this sounds really stupid, but I'm an addict so what can I expect. The only thing that saved me was that I told myself that maybe that's true but right now I must not act out - maybe tommorow I'll think about it.

Today I felt how surrendering to Hashem and "one day at a time" are so intertwined, only if I'm firmly imbedded in the reality of the present can truthfully feel how much I need to be in Hashem's embrace.

Alex, I like tremendously what you wrote, but I think it's too much for me to apply. I barely know what P is, I'm mostly deeply stuck in M and street staring (PG-13[?], not R), things that if I wasn't a Jew might not be soooo bad (except that then it would quickly become much worse). But I am a Jew so it is very wrong.
I think that this is part of why it's so hard for me to feel powerless etc., I simply haven't fallen so deep. I can't think about the reality of my fantasies and be dismayed, they are simply too enticing. Sometimes I envy the guys who had all the "fun" until they realized right before it was too late that they must stop now, they don't have to break their back raising the bottom. I know this isn't logical, but again, I'm an addict.

All this being said, you know, a person underwater drowns whether it's deep or shallow, right?

Chaim

Hey chaim,

I'm telling you all the "fun" is just for a moment. I know what I'm talking about( my thead is on introducing yourself) it's all fake and sick!
U gotta go the powerless route. That's it. An don't forget to keep the "battle" for Hashem. U do Urs and he will do his.
Keep going!

Hatzlacha

Thanks Getting There, I looked at your thread, thanks for the chizuk.

I'm now around 2 weeks into this new effort, the last few days my Y"H has been trying to convice me to think the whole think over, who said "one dat at a time" is the right attitude, and other stupid things like that. I have to stand strong and not enter into a disscusion with my addicted self, I'm trying somethin out that I've seen helps, if it can make me sober it's worth it's weight in gold even if I don't fully understand all the depth that there is to it.

Hashem, please help me go to sleep tonight clean. I need your help, it's too hard for me.

Chaim

Dear Chaim.
I cant really say any words of chizzuk. or encouragement. (cuz, i need it on my own. sounds stupid to say to somebody, common, dont do it you aare stronger, if you on your own being as well strong enough still keep on falling)
but i wish you hatzlocho and siyata deshmaya.

R"T.

btw, if you change your name , why to charlie, why not to chaim??

I second RT's Shayla,

Also try this, When you start second guessing yourself

say " I say it is so it is." or in your case, I say Im going to do this and it is helpful so it is. Kind of stick it to him and then just ignore these thoughts.

The Steipler said l'inyan bad thoughts if you were praying amida and a rasha came over to your ear and started saying things to you you would just ignore him. So do that here too.

Charlie, Hatzlacha!

Thanks guys for the chizzuk. Ok ok, I'll change my name again to Chaim Charlie (Chaim's taken).

Tisha B'av every year is really hard for me, maybe because I am sad in the wrong way (i.e. get depressed). This year I davened really hard and somehow made it through.

It's been over two clean weeks since I've gone powerless, I don't know if I'll stay clean forever, I really hope so, but I know I can't do it alone. For now I'm trying my hardest to let Hashem fight for me one day at a time.

Chaim

Please don't use the F-word that way. It's way too intimidating.

Today. Just get through today. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get through today. That's it.

Sorry for speaking inappropriatly. Your'e so right.

I saw that Dov wrote that staying sober shouldn't be like holding your'e breath, 'cause eventually you'll have to let it out. It is so applicable to me, B"H now I'm on a good streak, but sometimes I feel like I'm holding my breath, I get that feeling when I really really want to act out but I hold myself back. I guess the proper thing is not to hold back but to recover, to feel deep down how powerless I am against this and my only hope to stay clean today is with Hashem's help.

I think that when I'm recovering that the effort isn't in staying clean as much as in davening and humility etc. Like I'm working to avoid lust not to fight it, as all the chevra here say.

It's really late at night over here, I have had a very hard night, something happened in my family which got me very upset, as always anger led to a horrific urge to act out. I simply couldn't fall asleep and couldn't hold out any more, so I left my bed and came to the computer to try to get out of myself. I'm still pretty addicted so I can't say (while stroking my long white beard) that I know that this is where my recovery lies, but I think that maybe I've learned here that this is the idea.

Hashem, help me stay clean tonight. I need Your help so much.
Your dear son Chaim

ChaimCharlie wrote on 05 Aug 2012 23:48:


Yeah, that's the idea. Ya just gotta keep on stroking that long white beard - with both hands. That should keep ya outa trouble.

Hatzlacha

MT

I don't have a long white beard, I was joking, ha ha.

Either way, several days ago I fell, it's amazing how weak I get when I'm upset. I think it may be the RID thing or something like that, either way when I'm mad I feel my own personal wishes very strongly and don't succeed very well to surrender much of anything. Gotta chill if we want too recover.

Hatzlochoh to me and to evereyone.

Yup I relate to that very much so. Kol hakavod for being able to calm down, keep it up.