o.k. i have to say i messed up yesterday .but i have to say also that i still feel great .b/c i know he's on his way out.a few things happened that led to it . i ate a heavy fleishig dinner which is no good for me .and i did not avoid enough, a certain young lady, it seems i am forced to have some contact w/.i would like to say it didn't effect me but i know it did.but  i also fell asleep, not in my bed which cuased me to wake up as if after  a nap, in the middle of the night ,and wander awake which is always a bad formula .so i did it .
    i'm happy #1 b/c if all these didn't happen i wouldn't have done it.#2 i know exactly what i did wrong . i just didn't remember the good feeling i've had this past 2 weeks of actually watching my taiva fade . it was thrilling.i want that again.thats why i didn't allow myself to get into a depression over it i just jumped right back up and  started serving H' again .i didn't even stop to regret or cry .i ran to act .and i had a great day . i did feel a little dead inside but i said i'm not going to let it pull me down.i remember that i let the feeling ride like a wave and it did go down!so i'm going to go straight through the next wave.i didn't even enjoy it .it was a waste of time .i just keep remembering that i won  already and i can win again.i want to say this here so everyone will see it .i know there are those that beat it and they  were in even worse straits than me.i can do it too.

Your attitude is inspiring! You are really learning the tricks of the trade :-)

BTW. Did you sign up yet with eNativ or Internet Rimon (with the white-list option)? Not doing this is like keeping a prostitute in your house at all times. You won't be able to truly break free until you keep access to these things far away from yourself so you don't slip in weak moments...

It is great that you are so open and honest about your fall. This is a great incentive for the future to stay clean, not to disappoint all those who are with you in this struggle... It is also great that you are honestly exploring what it was exactly that brought you to fall, so you can know what to avoid in the future,  or at least be aware for next time that these things are triggers and be extra cautious.

Keep riding the waves until you reach the shore!

Niceguy, I added your story to our site under the "Determined to Quit" Stories section. Here's the page: www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Stories/Determined10.asp

I find your attitude very healthy and inspiring, and I hope others can learn from your very real struggle and grow. Keep up the good work!

Just the fact that it bothers you that you messed up, is a great step!!!

Remember the "good bad old days" when sinning was second nature and you didnt even think twice about it?

Be comforted in the knowledge that thos days are behind you and gone forever! You are not perfect yet (nobody is) but you are at least striving for perfection, and that is the main thing!

Chazak V'Ematz!

i have no open access.i haven't since my wife agreed to password block the content adviser and only she's got the password. i find this better than the filters b/c they ,i would probably never stop trying to break . this way i know its over ,plain and simple.my wife is very careful to keep it blocked and it's been very good.even in my weakest moments she doesnt let up.and i of course am too ashamed to push her to mess up b/c i want her respect and love so it is going pretty well.one day behind us and going strong

niceguy,
I want you to know that your attitude is a great chizuk to me, and probably to alot of other people as well. KEEP GOING STRONG .
(About moving to U.S., of-course each person is different and it depends, among other things, on how solid you are at the time you move. But my personal exprience has been, that even after I had been in control for years, visiting N.Y. was detrimental. Not every time but a few times. It may be partially due to the fact that that's where I got in to trouble in the first place. Anyhow, I wish you tons of hatzlocho in making the right decision, as well as in bashing the mean, viscious menuval)

o.k. fellas,
i'm still going strong B'H.i realised something about the idea posted from the therapist ,that after 90 days you get new neurons. it doesn't work for married people if they have a healthy relationship w/ their wives.i'm in the middle of this test now and it's difficult.Rav Dessler writes that one of the most difficult times to work  on controlling taiva is during the on times w/ one's wife.b/c the yetzer is activated .now is the time to focus on the love for your wife,and the mitzvah involved and the zechus of the sh"china coming to you  b/c of a holy union.But the menuval is very strong.i'm staying busy and keeping my head down.i'm writing for strength to continue.BEZ'H i'll have good news till the end. 

niceguy,

I think you are mistaken.

What happens to your neurons during masturbation and what happens to them while you are with your wife isn't the same thing at all.

Similar to the fact that a person cannot tickle themselves, and that a person cannot scratch their own back the same way another person can etc.,just because the  action is similar  does not at all mean that the end result will be  similar and doesn't mean that neurologically the same thing is going on.

As long as you stay strong and keep your own hands away from your bris for 90 days (and forever iy"H), the healthy relationship with your wife will not get in the way of you becoming a better person neuroogically, physically and spiritually!

Stay strong my dear brother.

Chazak V'Ematz!

i must agree on this one. since there are different reasons for these acvtivities, this, in my mind, makes for different actions in the brain. but i've done no research on this, it's just a feeling i have. and btw, thanks for your encouragement, again! jack

There are therapists who recommend 90 days abstinence totally, even with your wife.  Not frum therapists.  This is more for people who have "lust" issues and want to be with their wives because they can't control lust, not because they want the kedushah of intimacy with their wives. 

A qualifed sex addiction therapist should make such a decision.  The 90 days of sobriety you are referring to here can still be achieved, even if you're with your wife, depending on your intentions and frame of mind.  The reason I know this is because the therapist who recommended the 90 days on the call is MY therapist and I asked her the exact same question.

We're working to get to a point where intimacy is a mutual respect and loving activity we do to get and stay closer to our wives. For me, once I was sober for 2 1/2 years, my relationship with my wife improved dramatically because she felt (and still does) safer, knowing I was not manipulating her for sex.

What really determines the Maiseh, is the machasavah that is behind it. When one is having yachasim with their wife, it is so important to control the thought process that is taking place at the same time. It is the thought process that determines what you are doing. The Baal Shem Tov says, wherever your thoughts are...that is exactly where you are at that moment. So, even if you are with your wife, and you are thinking at the same time of someone else's wife, you are with the other women, and NOT your wife. This is what is taking place in your brain, and  this is what the Baal Shem Tov is referring to. It may look like your wife, but in reality, in the spiritual- (neuron world), you are destroying yourself.
  The Baal Shomer Emunim says that our minds are filled with compartments, and compartments within compartments, millions and billions of nooks,cranies and boxes in our minds that our stuffed with ALL of our thoughts, and  experiences. These compartments are filled with the experiences and feelings of the fullfilment of our taivos etc. Literally every thought, every bit of excitment and stimulation is not lost. It is stored here in our minds.  As soon as we begin to re-think, and act in a way that is in harmony with one of these compartments, (even something that happened 20 years ago), the memory, it's pictures, and all of the neurological excitement will come out of this compartment and lay right in front of our eyes, and re-stimulate our nervous systems. 
  So it is not enough to be with one's wife physically, but one must work to make it a holy union-Tahor. How many times, when one is with their wife, and in the height of the experience, the menuval comes and starts to put thoughts of other women in your mind. So, it is not enough to be with one's wife physically but also on the Machshavah level.
    BTW. In addition to what Mevakesh said, not to touch one's bris etc. The Baal Shomer Emunim says also not to even look at one's bris, let alone someone's else's, (for example at the mikvah etc). He says that there are klipot there, and when one looks, these klipot have permission to cling to you. Of course to see without having intention is much less severe. It is for this reason, even when relieving oneself I am very careful not see anything. We must fight him on all fronts!

me:

wonderful response! It is so true, that wherever a person's thoughts are, that is where he is! And it works the other way around too, wherever a person is, that is where his thoughts are. Allow me to emonstrate this with the wisdom of Rav Dessler Zt"l

Chazal say that when one says Krias Shema he should gaze at his Tzitzis. Seeing his Tzitzis (which were blue from Techeiles in the time of Chazal) will make him think of the sky, which  is blue, and thinking of the blue sky will lead to thoughts of Hashem who made the sky, which willlead to thoughts of serving hashem etc.

Somebody once told  Rav Dessler Zt"l that he doesn't understand the above Chazal, as which person when he sees his Tzitzis will have the whole domino effect of thoughts that lead him to think of Hashem?! That is o far fetched!

Rav Dessler responded: Chazal say that one should not walk behind a woman, as walking behind her will lead him to think about her, and thus to think about other women and thus to think of sinning and eventually lead him to sin.  "That thought process you identify with and don't think is far fetched?" asked Rav Dessler? When the man responded in the affirmative, Rav Dessler explained:

A persons thoughts go in the direction that the person is heading!

If you are a person heading in the direction of sin, everything you see, hear or say can easily lead to thoughts of sin!

if you are aperson hesding in the direction of Hashem, everything you see, hear or say can easily lead to thoughts of Hashem!

Brilliant!

Regarding your last point about nnot touching or looking at the bris, it is also so true and important! Boruch hashem it has been many months since I have looked at my bris, and I can say with confidence that not looking at it has definitely helped me forget about it!

Chazak V'Ematz!

I can tell you from my experience also, that not looking (and not touching, even when it is permitted by Halacha, is a great fence to help stay ouy of trouble. CHAZAK VEAMATZ!!!

Mevakesh,

  I also had wondered about this chazal concerning the tzitzis, and had come to the conclusion that chazal were just on a different madreigah than us. Today in our dor we are so far distanced from their state of kedushah, that we just aren't zocheh for the tzitzis to have the same affect. But, now that you mention this, and in light of what I had just posted above, it makes sense to say  that if we were to really work on making this connection with our tzitzis, (a kedushadika connection) i.e just like we previously did with our sins, we brought everything to a state of arousal, a state of excitement, (and this is what caused our neurons to emit fire), and this is the type of excitement that will remain our memory banks forever, to be easily retrieved from our memory once we Ch'V revert back to this state.  So now, everytime I feel a state of spiritual arousal, especially now in Elul, when I hear the shofar, everytime I feel ga'aguim for Hashem, I will  grab and  caress, and look at my tzitzis. By doing this, I will be building this connection to kedushah, to think of Hashem, and thereby in fact utilize that tzitzis the same way  that chazal did. In other words. If I was successful to build such a system of triggers for tumah, avadai I can do it with kedushah!
  Chazak V' Amatz!!!
 

me:

I want to tell you (and everyone else on this forum) something:

Every word in Chazal, no matter how far fetched or improbable it may seem in our eyes, is 1000% true, applicable and on target for our generation as much as it was for their generation. The Torah, which is timeless, tells us that we must not veer from the words of Chazal "left or right" and even if they say"go left" when your mind tells you to go right, you MUST blindly trust them, believe them and follow them.

We sometimes  are wearing the wrong kind of "glasses"  to grasp the validity of Chazal's words, but our job is to replace our "Tumah glasses" with "Kadosh glasses"

If anybody (even a therapist) tells you to think, do or act in any way contrary to how Chazal tell us to act, a competent Rav or Gadol must be asked before doing anything contrary to Chazal.

Without the Torah, we are  L O S T .

Chazak V'Ematz