Did you make the Friday meeting NiceGuy?

Niceguy,

I with you 100% in your struggle. There are some amazing people who use this forum. They have helped me tremendously and I really would not be able to contemplate recovery without their kind and constructive words of encouragement.

Be strong and remember, we're all in this together!

Menachem

chevra, i was on fire the whole day today .B'h i didnt do anything but  im only now calming down  . H' help me get through the night.

niceguy,

I know just how you feel. Try to think that it's all blown up stuff, there is nothing there. Remember the good days?! Imagine how close to Hashem you'll feel on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur and everyday now that you're working on yourself. You're doing a great job! Keep it up! I once heard that while you're in a Nisoyon and you hold yourself back it's a big Es Rotzon. I'm sure you have a whole list to ask from Hashem. Ask away!

Yes, I heard that as well ( i think in the name of the Chofetz Chaim) that at the precise time that you are overcoming your Yetzer Hara, say to Hashem " Father in heaven, I have an urge right now to___insert sin here _____, yet I am not doing it, for your sake. Please help me____insert request here____ in the merit of this act of overcoming the Yetzer Hara"

YOU fill in the blanks!!!
Hashem is listening, and NO Tefilah EVER goes blank!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Here is an Eitza I saw in the sefer Taharas Hakodesh. This is for the times when y.h. is running freely in our minds, filling us with all kinds of 3D thoughts, pictures etc.

We see in the kapitul:     
לדוד בשנותו את טעמו לפני אבימלך ויגרשהו.

Avimelech captured Dovid hamelech. Dovid Hamelech saved himself by acting liking a meshugah. If it was known that it was in fact Dovid that he captured, he would have killed him immediately. When Dovid Hamelech acted like a mental case. Avimelech came to the decision, this cannot possibly be Dovid Hamelech.  And, this is what  saved his life.]

He explains that:
  Avimelech is the klipah, the tumah, i.e. the y.h.  He says that even though the y.h. is a  דבר רוחני
  nonetheless, it still needs chomer (i.e. the brain) in order to dwell with is. Without the brain, without having the Kli, the y.h. this klipah, cannot attach itself to us. So, when we do what Dovid Hamelech did, i.e. be mevatel our brain, and act like a complete meshugah, this klipah, cannot stick to us.
  So, when the y.h. begins to take over our minds, attaching himself to our brains, we are to do what Dovid Hamelech did. Go to a private room, stand opposite a mirror, and do your best job of acting and turning yourself into a complete mental case. THis means to do what Dovid Hamelech did. Start to moan, groan, and make all types of strange sounds. Distortate your face as much as possible, and stick out your tongue, spit, and salivate etc.
  When we have temporarily removed the capacity of our minds, the y.h. has no place to cling and attach itself. This is what saved Dovid Hamelech. As it says:    ויגרשהו וילך

those are two really nice shtiklach.and  "me"s is very interesting !B'ln ill try it next time.
it was a crazy day yesterday.i went out for the first time this summer to yerushalayim.that was bad enough,but i went somewhere for business and ended up in a room w/ open internet .i didnt do anything b/c of an adviser at the desk but the craving was unbelievable.it was a physical sickness .i got woozy .after i finished and left,every woman i saw on the street was shooting knives of desire at me.last night i didnt do anything but i went back to my old stupidity of listening to walls. i fell asleep on the floor after 5 min.and woke up the next morning w/ a wet dream.now for me that's great.i want to cut out that listening mishigas but at least i didnt do anything physical to myself . it could've been reaally bad.my wife asked why i slept on the floor and i told her it was cooler there.i'm not sure she believed me but i think there are somethings she cant handle either. she doesnt want to know all my problems .
i woke up early went to the mikveh ,dovened .but i still havent calmed down yet . i've been fighting fantasies all morning.but i'm still o.k. B'H .The dream in a way made things worse. which is what they say. i was sure releaving the pressure would help but it just perpetuated the fantasies."the less you feed it the less you need it.."
i'm going to go act like a meshuginah  in front of the mirror now  :-\.tomorrow i'm back to schedule so i expect things will be better. ;D

 

Niceguy, you need to join our weekly "Jewish Healing Group", even if it means getting up at 4 AM once a week! I live in Israel too and I got up and was on the line last week - and it was just incredible! If you do this, you may even save yourself the need for the --mostly non-religious and even mixed-- SLAA groups, and also save yourself the need to travel to Jerusalem, which is unhealthy for you. It is truly best if you can stay home as much as possible (assuming your computer filter is strong) and avoid going out into crowds of mixed people, especially non-religious. It is very difficult to guard the eyes properly when in "the street" and often one slip needs to others and, like you said, the arrows are shooting through the heart. We all know how it feels. Give your pain over to Hashem as a "Ishe Rayach Nichoach". The word "Ishe" means also woman, and there is no greater "burnt offering" for Hashem than giving up the piercing desires that we feel to him, and crying out in our hearts "Hashem, I WANT TO LOVE YOU - NOT women, not flesh and blood"! And tell Hashem "HASHEM, YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL PLEASURE, ALL BEAUTY, ALL DESIRE, ALL GOOD!!!" Cry this out even if you don't believe yourself. One day you will TRULY start to feel it.

thanks a lot GUE,
i was going to say that i don't think the meeting is so feasable for me. its far out and will take away much needed time with helping my wife at home. i'm still committed to do it but my wife is very uncomfortable w/ the idea that its not frum and i didnt even mention mixed.i think the 4 am idea is actually easier. is that the # elya k printed? tueday morning at 4. we'll try it.
still going strong though ;D.there is definitely a personality angle that i have , though that is strongly connected to why i need this.i know it . will i be able to work on that there also?you know,if i only had one thing to work on at a time ....but the root of my issues are so interconnected and spread to so many aspects of my life it seems i'm always dealing w/ multiple issues.but that's life , so is everybody else.nobody asks you if you want your problems spaced out one at a time.B'H i 've made it through so far ,and i'm still kickin'! :o Im yirtseh H' Vaiter.
i'm in the middle of a huge issue w/ my wife .she wants very much to move back to america for very valid reasons.and i really dont b/c i feel like america to me is just one big pot of sexual tension ,at least in the NY area.i'm terrified of going there.there are nisyonos everywhere but i feel like i can handle it here better (as bad as as i've been having it lately).Am i wrong?i know there are guys w/ our problems living in the u.s. but if i have  a choice shouldnt i fight to stay?aside from all the reasons to be in E.Y.just from this point of view is there a benefit? 

Nice guy, if we're meeting 9 p.m. in the states, that would be 4 am WEDNESDAY morning in the UK.  Right?

I will tell you from 8 years of experience in Goyish 12 step groups that I discuss more about G-d and fixing my character traits with these people than any of my friends.  Everyone in my circles is so focused on Halacha but no one really talks about do we really give our lives and trust over to Hashem in our everyday life or not?

Yes, we go through the motions.  Put on our tefillin, daven three times a day, but with how much Kavanah?
Most shuls I've been to are rushing to finish in 30 minutes, or on Shabbos go to the early minyan, so they won't Chas V'sholom have to listen to a Rav speak about bettering yourself!  Then we wonder why we have no spirituality in our lives.  Not you, nice guy, me and the whole world.  Just venting a little here. 

See I'm already getting resentful.  That's not a good place for me.


Rabbi Twersky says you should still go to 12 step meetings. It's just your addiction who is warning you not to go.  If you're even discussing it with your wife, that's a wonderful thing and you will get better because of her support.  I will also tell you that while sometimes women in the group can be triggering, you also learn how the other side feels.  We cannot completely shut ourselves off from the outside world.  You are going to see
other women sometimes during the rest of your life.  Sobriety will teach you how to look for 3 seconds, turn your eyes away, accept it and move on.

In any event, we're happy to have you on the calls.  Please send me an email to yidvre@gmail, so I can email you the materials you need for the meeting.

It's 4 AM in Israel, which is where he is...

i appreciate both responses.
Elya ,i hear very much what you are saying.i have to think very seriously about it .you 've also answered my other Q about where to be . it's not about where you are ,it's about being sober and being in control.i can't erase women from the world,but i shouldn't even want to .i want to see them as people.i want to realize they also have problems, and that idea is extremely sobering.that doesn't mean i should join a womens' volleyball team , but i don't think New York is considered one. i have to think, thank you. 

Part of this addiction for me is seeing women as objects instead of just human beings.  I have a friend and I was speaking to his wife at Kiddush one Shabbos.  She kept commenting to me that I looked unhappy and sad all the time.  This was when I was deeply depressed months ago.  Finally I got honest with her and told her that I was actually suffering from depression.  Know what she said?  She said, ?t's so refreshing to hear someone say something honest for a change and to take the risk of admitting that we all have problems."

I thought that was really nice and it made me feel better. I am in a therapy group with several women and I get to hear their fears about their husbands who act out.  They are the wives of the addicts. This is actually a blessing for me because hearing their stories I know what my wife is going through and it helps me during the rough times. Many wives actually become sexually anorexic and go to the opposite extreme with their husbands.  This causes a lot of friction and they both end up in therapy.

The bottom line for me is to set boundaries for myself.  I look for 3 seconds and that's it. I don't go down certain streets I know are past triggers for me.  My computer is blocked - my wife has the password. When I go to yoga to calm down and learn how to be present (which is a very effective technique) I take off my glasses and concentrate on my practice, not the women.  This is triggering for some people and they cannot do it, but for me, at this moment in my life, it's OK.  We each have to know where our triggers are and form boundaries around those triggers.

Kind of like the fences in the Torah, wouldn't you say?

A

yeah, you have to know where your triggers are.the chofetz chaim says thats really the essence of doing teshuva.look at the aveira ,see what things brought you to that aveira or made it possible and avoid those things.
Fantastic.keep going strong Elya.

Thanks niceguy for the vort from the Chofetz Chaim. I used it in today's chizuk list!