"yachbeainu btzel yudoi tachas kanfei hashchina"

conceal me in the shadow of your hand under the wings of the shechinah

i spilled a river of tears

i wish i could stay here it feels so cozy so warm

dont want to leave home

ahh the feeling of neilah

the holiness, feeling so secure

knowing whats waiting for me once i leave this heavenly place

please keep me under your wings

i know i cant without you

Why do we cry during tefilas neilah

I once heard a mashal

There was a king that married ofF his daughter to a peasant

He mistreated her to the worst, her life was miserable

The king heard about this and came for a visit.

The king’s son in-law was at his best behavior being kind to everybody every time

She was waiting for the right opportunity to spill her heart to her father but never found the moment.

The king was leaving, under the impression that it was all a rumor

This she couldn’t bear,  and as the king was at the doorstep she fell to his feet, with a river of tears.

Don’t take what you see at face value, don’t you realize what’s going on ??

IT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU ARE HERE !!

ONCE YOU LEAVE HE WILL TORTURE ME EVEN MORE

PLEASE DONT LEAVE PLEASE PLEASE

Beautiful.  But we addicts know how to tap into that closeness at any time.  By admitting powerlessness over this one thing, and turning the fight over to Hashem.  Constantly.  Every time this Y"H attacks.  It works.

The king listens to his daughter.

And realizes the truth in her words.

He comes up with a plan

He will build a room for himself in the daughter’s house

Being able to come and go to his liking

It will give her the secure feeling she needs

And will keep her peasant husband in check

This is hashem’s answer to our cries on yom kippur

Build me room in your house

Which we do by building the sukkah

הגלה נא ופרוש חביבי עלי את סוכת שלומיך

if i pull through till Thursday i will be closing in on 4 weeks which is a good feeling. however i am not to strong these days, and i am feeling a pull, i know if i don’t succeed  i will be miserable and my self esteem will be in the dumps, i know i cant fall into this again it is to dangerous. but as of late i am out of control. over this summer i have been at my lowest point yet, i was living in some kind of cloud, dazed and unfocused.  b"h im out of it now but who knows what the day will bring.

so i can use some chizuk, thanks.

MG,
Guard your eyes, and guard your thoughts.  Feeling down?  That's a huge trigger in and of itself for many.  Start counting your many blessings, over and over, until you pull yourself out.
Likin' your divrei Torah 
Alex

i am having a hard time to stay the course, i am feeling a very strong urge to fall, i am hanging on a thin string so i could use all the help avail. 

i am rethinking the title of this thread why do i write "i dont want it i dont need" when i want it and at the moment think i need it, weird.

When I feel strong urges, such as ten minutes ago, it helps alot to read peoples stories and to keep posting your own feeings. It's a animalistic ruach thats taqking you over and the more you write about it the more you will find the strenghth to overcome it.

An "animalistic ruach", and how. I can’t relate to the fact that we are now during a very special Yom tov, in two days is Hashanah Raba and it was just Yom Kippur, it is not my reality, i feel like i am being swallowed in to the world of fantasy, which i am embarrassed to say, is looking very sweet at the moment. but so far i am hanging on, lets hope i can finish the day without falling.

this whole thing about giving it over to a higher power doesnt seem to work once you are in a craze, correct me if i'm wrong. if i am right how do i get myself out of this once the cravings start ? 

So here we are, another day another struggle.

yesterday was quite tough, i was up for hour n half during the night just fighting with myself not to fall, and b"h i didn't fall, i visualized the scenario of waking up in the morning after the fall and how i would feel if im strong and just distract myself, and that’s how i drifted off to sleep.

But that was yesterday.

as i was lying in bed it came to me, how do I expect not to have this fight, if for the last 5 months this was my life, it is foolish to think that because i had some inspiration over the last few weeks my whole biological system should automatically change. my mind and body are still programmed to live off this filth, and as long that doesn’t change it will be a struggle.

i liked the idea that "dov" wrote in another thread about the two "captain kirks" that’s exactly how i feel now, it is two persona fighting over me, hopefully with hashems help the sane and healthy one will prevail. 

i fell, will start again, i am not giving up

Just saw this quote about perseverance while looking to encourage myself


"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins- not through strength but by perseverance." H. Jackson Brown

or

"Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after another." Walter Elliott

Love
Noorah

mgsbms wrote on 17 Oct 2011 16:20:


Once your caught in the dirty battlefield it is impossible toget out without help.

You fell, I fell, we all fell! FELL SHMELL! Keep on moving. You have a great attitude.

imagine a whole nation of lusting and acting improperly openly in the streets, then comes noah and builds a fort and seperates himself from all that, thats excactly how we have to be today, of course with common sence