So lets get working my fellow addict

I randomly opened a "michtav melyahu" and encountered a piece were he writes directly to "us" addicts. To my mind it concures fully with the first two steps of the 12 step program. I will paraphrase. "a person after he has sinned has losed his free will, so it is not expected from him to fight the yetzer harah, it is hashem that is fighting for him.  What is expected from him is one thing, he should ask hashem for that help, that is how sinners exercise free will. this is what we ask for in the beracha "reh nu banyenu veriva riveinu" hashem should see our struggle with the yetzer and should fight for us". Fascinating.

michtav melyahu on yom kippur succos # 415 (printed 5769)

so cool. When I say that Bracha, I sometimes have that Kavanah: "Hashem, please fight for me!"

wow that sounds right on.....where does he say this? page number etc...

as i wrote before it's in michtav melyahu on yom kippur succos # 415 (printed 5769), each piece is numbered this is number 415 the numbers are in hebrew (tuv tes vuv), page 453, (they write that it was originaly printed in beis chayeinu vol 1 page 93)

Excellent stuff!
If it's truth, it's in the Torah somewhere.

Thank you mgsbms, its always nice to have torah as encouragement although that migh be apikores....

I had a great few weeks going in to yom kippur, but the way i know myself it won't last, two years ago i held on till chanuka, last year i was falling right after sukkos, and now i feel even weaker. so i am not puting my face in the sand i am being upfront about it,  and i hope with all your help we will be able to keep it clean till next year yom kippur.

but let’s take one day at a time and hope for the best, all i could do is trust in hashem.

i saw another amazing vort in michtav melyahu on yom kippur, he brings from reb chaim of volozin that we ask hashem "venoshivu" hashem should help us do teshuvah, reb chaim explains that it is impossible for a person to  come to full teshuva without the help of hashem, because of the concept of "naseh lo kehetar" that once a person sinned it feels permissible to him, so that’s why we need hashem to help us shut of the feeling of heter, because all the teshuvah in the world won’t help against human nature.

And here rav dessler adds a fascinating idea, that this is the reason why we spend the whole day of yom kippur davvening and not doing teshuvah, it is because without the help of hashem in our teshuvah we are lost, and that is what we are most concerned about on yom kippur.

I find this a tremendous "siyate deshmaye" that i have encountered these profound pieces of thought just as i have come to conclusion that i am an addict i see it as a clear yad hashem.

If today wouldn’t be the day after yom kippur i would fall.

So there is something that could keep me back.

How do i put my finger on it ?

But in essence i am ready to fall.

Then there are days that put me into a up mood that it doesn’t even come into my mind ?

How do I put myself into that mind set.

As an addict am i aloud to be asking such questions, or this is considered not giving up control ? 

Fellow warrior,
I'm in the same boat - especially Sunday - very difficult - saw that piece in MM also!!  great chizuk - did you read the part where he writes about the incredible rachamim of Hashem -the sityata dishmaya of פתחו של אולם for every פתח של מחט?

Very powerful stuff

איש את רעיהו יעזורו ולאחיו יאמר חזק

באהבה רבה
NOORAH

hi I to felt very vunurable was looking for trouble all over the place.Do you have someone live that you can share what is going on,it can be so helpful?Good luck.I hope you are safe,and your marriage and your sanity.

Thanks noora ! nice of you to stop by, i find it amazing how rav dessler was able to latch on to the inner workings of an addict, reading his work you see the power of grasping the depths of torah.

"showoff" i don’t have anybody live that i speak to about my struggles, i am still coming to terms with the fact that i am an addict, i am fairly new to this whole subject, and i am just now realizing how powerless i am over this thing. as i have wrote before i was well into my thirties when this whole ordeal started, and have dealt with it till now as a milchemes hayetzer, but have come to realize as of late that i got myself into some kind of quicksand which is swallowing me alive. i can very well relate to what you wrote in your bio good "shteleh" etc, however by me this thing has started after having all that. It may very well have been a milchemes hayetzer at the beginning but as of now it has mushroomed into something larger and quite scary as well.
 

you have come to the right place I wish you well.

yesterday i wrote had it not been a day after yom kippur i would fall.

today i write had i not posted yesterday i would fall even it being a day after yom kippur.

it seems that this posting thing might help.

I am banking on it as well following your lead.I allready am out of control hoping for a miracle.