Chevra- I have not been posting updates much, But recently I got caught up in chat rooms and it is bad.. Even though all I am doing is passing time but deep down its killing my healthy life away. I had convinced myself not to lie - so I make sure to be honest and tell them I am married and kids.. But guess what now I am married and have kids and a woman in the chat rooms that waits for me every moment and I am killing away my life.

It has not been a bad fall however it is a struggle to get out of it. I have been watching Hashem giving me signs to stop... I have been well aware that I should not do this and keep on telling myself and hashem I want to end this.. But then just one more hello - that goes for a few hours.. And leads to bad talking and unclean thoughts and some images...etc.

Just a few signs I have watched hashem give me I believe- I was on my way to go to my office to have a good juicy conversation with her and I watches a huge accident with near death and had to stay and help out for a hour.. I was shaken up and said I am not continuing it.. Next morning I let her know about the accident and the wake up call and I am stoping.. It lasted 4 days and I went back.. Then as things were getting back to good conversation.. she had to run because her daughter was in a accident... Nothing bad but a big shake up..  Next night as we are getting in to conversation - Daughter is in pain from whiplash and needs to go to ER.. (these are all things I am watching and telling myself Ok- time to get the message, but silly powerless me goes for just one more..) Already at this point -I sent a email to filter gabbai that I need to add this site to my black list because I cannot stay away. But untill he responds and gets it done I let myself just some last conversations.. Then as we get in to conversation ... she logs off out of the blue.... I am sitting there like -Ok Hashem you are being So good to me, You are not letting me fall in to the mess.. I am not sure in what zchus.. But I do talk to hashem and ask him to help me out of this... And it seems like he definitely is doing his...if I may say that..

So Today is my Hebrew Birthday - I am still in the proses of getting the sites blocked.. But I decided I am not going back untill the block is in place... I will make this birthday A real Birthday...

Sorry for rambling- I know by talking about whats going on around me will bring it to the surface vrsus just keeping it a thought. I can say that this slip or whatever I can call it has been very different then it would be a year + ago before I used any of the 12 steps...and site..

Thanks guys... I am not rereading before posting, so I hope it makes sense... (I think its more direct from the heart w/o editing..)

With love- HM

Update- tempting sites are blocked.. B"H

heuni memass wrote on 18 Aug 2011 15:47:

that's greattttttttttt!
glad to hear

may the good actions you took be me-orair the parallel tahara in your heart

Thanks Zem - The Heart is there first then action is second, That's how I find it.. Otherwise we dont take action 

yasher coach!  thats a huge stepforward

heuni memass

You did the right thing by posting and make the changes needed.
Keep on posting and things will get better with hoshems help.

Your step and honesty is giving chizzuk to all of us.

Keep on trucking. Only one day at a time.

lichvod gibor milchama reb Heuni Memass נרו יאיר ויזרח

an idea to consider:
maybe make some type of new project to enhance your relationship with your eishes chayil, like a daily walk/tea/crumpets session, to build the same type of connection you felt with a screen name with your eishes chayil

wishing you the very best and hoping you treat yourself to a nice 2-foot sub to celebrate

euni

hi

i am probably the biggest oihaiv yisroel on this site

having said that here is a dose of anti-biotic but it comes with a huge needle

happy birthday

zechus shmuss
signs shmigns

you are a inch away from having a full blown affair

with a woman of your imagination

maybe its your shviggers neighbor

mayb its the downstairs neigbors 14 year old baxhurl

maybe not

it might just be a lonely heart like you

who cares??!!

you r in deep doo doo

u are on the cusp of destroying your life

your wifes life

your kids life

all your shvuggers and brothers

your roov yor rebbe your boss

for what??!!

for a women that is good on the chat room

and if she were really so hot dont u think she would have a decent relationship with her hubby

go take on the day



i am here for u

i feel your pain

the emmes hurts

but fake chizzuk will hurt more

Heuni, what Bards says rings very true.

and he said these words out of ahava

there is no doubt in anyone's mind here that you did not want to do anything hurtful, but that is the crux of it. we get blinded to the true nature of what our actions cause.

we are here to support you

Divrei HaRebbe ainam tzrichim chizzuk.

EBD

Heuni, I echo Bards comments.  It is great that you blocked the site with a filter, but now the bigger issue is filtering your mind that chat rooms are just not the place for you.  It would be a huge mistake to try and soft-peddle this incident to yourself ("It wasn't a big fall" or its all over now I blocked the site).  You're right it wasn't a big fall it was a huge fall.  The fact that it was virtual doesn't make it less serious.  It was interactive.  You've now taken your fantasies to a new level.  By not simply oogling with your eyes, but with your heart and mind.  Forget about the sex aspect of it.  What does it mean to your relationship with your wife when you are looking forward to a juicy conversation with some stranger (that is possibly a woman, maybe married)(see picture below).

Finally, if virtuality makes it somehow less real, then we all need to question whether our virtual recovery is that big a deal either.

Fortunately, huge mistakes can be fixed and you've taken at least the first step.  Just don't stop.

ur-a-jew

Geoinus!

PS -What does BFF stand for? Is that the opposite of FFB?

ben durdayah wrote on 18 Aug 2011 17:27:


You got to get up with the lingo:  Best Friends Forever

ur-a-jew wrote on 18 Aug 2011 17:40:


I prefer not to, thanks.

KOT!

ben durdayah wrote on 18 Aug 2011 17:59:


Wait until you have teenage daughters.