Today I want to run  away. Today I want to give up. For 15 years I managed to always get up again' Always managed to say "had I done this or that" or "if the situation was different then I could do it" and I would take courage from that to move on. I can't bielive that for 15 years I always found a new way to get up. My perseverence helped for a couple of years when I finally broke through and was sober for a couple of years. Those were the best years of my life. I get depressed when I think about those years of great learning and especially kirvas elokim. I get depressed because I know how it felt to break through I know how it felt to be so close to Hashem but it feels like I can never reach it again. Today I know that I was able to do that because my Avodas Hashem was constant. I never really slipped too much in any area. I know this because today when I fall in other areas I feel guilty and because I don't know how to deal with my guilty emotions I start feeling the urge to numb myself etc... The year before marriage I fell again but like all us addicts I said marriage will save me. The only thing it did save me from was my smelly roomate in yeshivah. If anything it made it worse. It's very hard to be consistent in Avodas Hashem as you were when you were a bochur.When I was about to give up I heard about SA. I ran to the meetings and gratefully accepted that I was powerless and urged to know the tools of recovery. This was supposed to be my last savior. I've been in SA for over a year now
I have the tools I know what is supposed to be done but today I feel that it's the same path with just new twists. Before SA I always said had I done this or that now in SA I say had I called my sponser or read the white book etc. I could have called my sponser yesterday or any of my partners from SA but I chose not to or rather my addiction chose not to because I really wanted to. I prayed yesterday I prayed a bunch of times but in the end the lust got to me. So today I want to run away but I wont run away because there would be too much at stake. Today I want to give up and say what the heck and forget about everything but I won't because I know when I die I will have to pay for it. So I am caught up with conflicting emotions and it feels like a never ending circle YES I know Hashem loves me YES I have to take it one day at a time YES I have to let go and let G-D YES it's a long struggle YES I'm thinking like an addict YES the yetzer hora is making me get down YES I'm saying yes too many times and I think I'm a know it all YES YES YES but today it feels the same as it always did and today I'm running out of reasons to get up again and move on..
sorry for bad spelling, if there is  spell check I couldn't figure it out.

Dear GTZ,

Rather than be discouraged, please recognize that your perseverence is incredible!  You've tasted sobriety - let that motivate you to do whatever it takes to regain it, one day at a time.

Hatzlacha! 

I'll tell you Gutezach,

I feel the same way as you. I've been through the steps, i've read the book, and I've told my self a million times "if I had only done this or that." However, I'm beggining to realize, my problem is a lot deeper than I ever imagined. I can remember when I first found this site, I told myself great I'll get over this no problem I'll read the pamphlet a few times I'll get on the 90 day chart and I'll be fine. The thought of a 12 step program was absurd. I thought to myself, ME ME HA i dont need that. Guess what my friend, I needed it... So then I get on the 12 step program and I figure, I don't need to talk or let anyone know who I am, I can just listen on the phone and I'll be fine. Guess what? I needed to talk. Then came the 4th step call, at this point I realized I better do this. So I did it and b"h I made a close connection with my sponsor, who I really believe is a malach, considering that I speak to him almost everyday and I am more open with him than anyone else in my life, and yet I've never met him... Since then I've been working my butt off trying to have a real recovery, an emotional one, not just some streak to fire up my ego. However, I haven't been able to really stop. And now, I am realizing that my pain is a lot deeper then I ever realized. I have so many things bottled up inside me that are literally eating me alive. So YES, me the person who thought that I would never be the one who has to go for therapy, have decided to begin getting some deeper help.

Gut, the point I'm trying to make is that ya we may feel we've been through everything, and tried every method in the book and the 12 steps. However, the problem may be a lot deeper than expected. I have to ask myself did i really get everything out in that 5th step call? I need to ask myself, what is really causing me this inner pain (which I may not even be aware of) that is ultimately causing me to continue acting out.

Look man, we've all been through a lot of crap, and we all have haunting pasts. Therefore, it's no wonder we got sucked into this addiction. It was the only false sense of freedom we had from our pain.

So the only thing I ask is that you search deep, really deep, and find out what is really causing you to act out. Meaning, you and I and everyone else needs to dig deep and find that thing that is killing us inside, and then we need to come to terms with it.

Hashem should give you a quick refuah shelamah, as well as everyone else, and may we all merit to see the day when we all break free and can dance in Yerushaliam with Messiach ben David

Here's one that works for me sometimes - no matter what will happen next week, tomorrow, even in an hour - right now, I have the chance to be clean and sober.

And the truth is, and I know this deep inside, is that I'll be happier, even in the short-term. That realization helps me - knowing that staying clean gives me more pleasure than a release.

Thanks everyone for the chizuk!
After a few days the natures way of forgetting does kick in and I am begining to forget all those unhealthy feelings of a few day ago. Although I was down for a couple of days I'm ready to start again. This time I'm saying to myself forget about the results I'm just going to focus on what I need to do as an SA member and stick to it I'm not even going to think about sobriety just do the program.
Yasher Koach to all evrypost helped me tremendously!
P.S. Any spell check on this thing?

glad to hear to hear you are feeling better about things and are not expecting 'results'. there is a saying in yiddish 'a mentch darf tien, der Aibishter vet oiftien' (man has to do, only G-d can accomplish).

when you type your post the system highlights any suspect word with a red underline. if you highlight the word and right-click it brings up a list of suggestions to replace the word with.

Reb Gutezach,

You are a brave person for writing what I've thought many times (but I haven't had fifteen years of this). Some of the core things that I keep going back to are, "If I take the first lust hit (watch porn or masturbate), then I'll trigger my allergy and find myself spending the whole day doing that - which I don't want and is killing me", "The GYE life is a life that I wan't, regardless if it leads to sobriety. I wan't to feel connected to Hashem, give up my resentments, be able to live life on Hashem's term, to live, to LIVE, TO LIVE, TO LIVE!, rather then to merely barely existing", "I'm an addict".

gutezach wrote on 02 May 2011 02:04:

Firefox and Google Chrome both have spell checkers. What are you using?

gutezach,

Well said.  I want to give up too.  Like you, I feel like I know all the technical answers.  For example, reading or responding to a post from Dov (who I truly admire and can only poorly attempt to imitate) is like a minefield.  Don't say "me"!  Don't think "I"!  Don't talk about a"struggle"!  GIVE UP, man, it's the ONLY way to do it.  And the latest - it's so simple even the goyishe janitor with a third grade education can do it, so you can too.  And one more: who says I deserve sobriety?  I will experience whatever ups and downs He has in store, I have no right to expect that He will help me, I have no "rights" at all, really, I am His creation to do with as He pleases.

All true.  Yet lust burns inside me and triggers abound.

Miracles:

If it's so simple (per Dov), why do I need to delve so deeply inside??  Explain that please.

gutezach wrote on 28 Apr 2011 18:22:




Ohhh  - KIRVAS ELOKIM... You know you have it in you    At this point in your life you are not living in yeshiva full time etc. So you may need to come to the true kirvas elokim as you experienced in a different way ( this may be the reason for you nisayon). This place has so much to offer and there is tons to learn.  Kirvas elokim is the key to recovery and your in the right place.

Make sure you stay around and please update us how you are doing.  Do you hear me??

OK so I officially gave up on sobriety I am not going to care about being sober anymore but I am going to follow these steps and I will care about following these steps and hopefully G-D will worry about keeping me sober. If I don't follow them EXACTLY then I clearly have no right to give up on these steps.
I always say that the key to a successful diet is to be prepared. You can decide to go on a diet with all the convictions in the world but if the next day you open your fridge and all you have is fatty foods then nothing will happen. If you prepare your food and make it easier to have it accessible then you will be more successful.
These steps are for me to prepare myself to make my journey easier. I'm writing them here so that hopefully i will follow through with them.
1) I cannot start anything until I get rid of ALL tools that can set triggers or that I can use to act out
2)Attend an SA meeting or a phone conference at least once a week
3)After meetings make sure to have at least one conversation with another member(about anything, just to break my shell and feel comfortable with them)
4) Wake up before Shachris and learn with my chavrusa and then stay for shachris(not that my davening is anything worthwhile mentioning but this just makes my day easier if it starts of on the right foot)
5)During davening thank Hashem for keeping me sober yesterday and ask him to keep me sober today
6)When confronted with lust that's not so powerful I have to pray to G-d (even 100 times a day)that I cannot overcome this lust please take it away from me as I am powerless
7)When confronted with lust that's powerful I must repeat step 6 and call my sponsor and as many people that I can just to let them know what I am going through right now
8)After step 7 I must try to leave the area I am in for at least 10 minutes to get a change of scenery (I can also combine 7 and 6 and call people while I leave) and see how i feel after that
9)If I cannot leave I must think of some other activity to do for the next 10 minutes and see how I feel after that.
10)I must be aware of my emotional state everyday whether its being tired or hungry or upset(this may help me understand why I am having lust attacks)
To be honest with all of you I wanted to start the first step 3 days ago but I am still holding on to one tool and my YH is making all the excuses that I really need it for kosher purposes. Today i think i am ready to get rid of it but i will not start until I get rid of EVERYTHING

gutezach wrote 28 Apr 2011 20:22


hi everybody there was something about which i was lacking clarity on ,and was able to formulate it reading agutezachs post,from reading things here on gye im getting alot of chizuk but just wanted to know if s/o is an addict that means its a sickness which has no connection with yetzer hara , meaning if its a sickness its not yetzer hara ,if its yetzer hara ,then its not a sickness ,from what i gleaned from here. im getting tremendous chizuk  (Hashem should help further )from the preventive ebooks and archive chizuk emails  and not ALL but to me it seems that alot has to do and is intendid for addicts ,but  the word yetzer hara ,tumah,soton etc. are mentioned alot (i get chizuk as i mentioned )so is it both things its an addiction /sickness which is also yetzer hara?just asking.

ieeyc wrote on 30 Jan 2018 15:22:

IMHO there is no one answer everyone is a different story but most start off as the yetzer hara after that usually it is better to treat it as a sickness and by dealing with that other things fall into place also

KOMNMW

SA won't save you, but Hashem will. Turn to him. How long does it take to do tshuva? A split second!  Don't believe the SA nonsense of needing a certain amount of days, months, years, before you can hold your head up high and feel pure.  That's not the Jewish way! Chazal tell us that if you decide right now to not act out again, you've done teshuva and are back to being beloved by Hashem. You can renew at any time!!!!

very well said , thank   you for post! 

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