A year goes by in our story... Late one night, the Rosh Yeshiva gets a phone call and receives great news. Yerachmiel is engaged to a special girl from a wonderful family!
The Rosh Yeshiva continues telling the story...
I hung up the phone. My heart rejoiced over the fantastic news that I just heard. The tremendous change that had overcome Yerachmiel in the past year was noticeable from afar. The color had returned to his cheeks; zest and happiness - that for a long period of time had eluded him - had come back to him in full strength. His job as the manager of the Otzar Hasefarim did much good for him, it helped return his self-esteem and gave him fulfillment. He was in over his head, in both learning and public service.
I felt like my own son had gotten engaged. I was so excited that I didn't sleep a wink all night; I couldn't stop thinking of the long journey that Yerachmiel had taken together with me over the past year. Who would believe that I would merit to see him building a wonderful home in Klal Yisrael in holiness and sanctity! There is no greater happiness than that.
The next morning right after davening, Yerachmiel came over to me, his face beaming. I hugged him warmly and wished him Mazal Tov properly.
"I have an unusual request from the Rosh yeshiva", said Yerachmiel.
"What can I do for you, my dear Talmid?" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The Rosh yeshiva once told me that I can come to him about everything and anything, and that his door is always open for me. Now I want to perhaps take advantage of this special privilege. Because of the special connection that I have with the Rav, I wanted to ask if the Rosh Yeshiva himself would perhaps agree to guide me in preparing for marriage. I know that the Rosh yeshiva doesn't usually deal with this and that there is a designated Rav who usually prepares the grooms in Yeshiva, but I would feel a lot more comfortable asking the Rav personal questions that I could never bring up with anyone else"...
Of-course, I agreed to teach Yerachmiel. How could I not? We made up to meet in my office twice a week during the afternoon breaks.
For a few weeks, we discussed all the aspects of Shalom bayis and learned in depth all the relevant Halachos of family purity. With only two weeks left to the wedding, when I felt that Yerachmiel already knew the halchos of niddah well and understood the nature of a Jewish home properly, I told him that the time had come for him to ask me whatever was on his heart. The look on his face showed me that he had been waiting for this moment for a while.
"How can I know that all the many sexual experiences that I had in my past, won't affect my ability to remain true to my wife in the long term?" he asked.
"This is an excellent question", I answered, "but before I answer you directly, I would like to focus on the differences between those sexual experiences you had in the past, and between a lasting and meaningful relationship that you would like to build now. I want to apologize in advance if the questions I will ask you now should cause you a little discomfort, but I have a reason to ask these questions. Tell me Yerachmiel, do you know what your sexual partners of the past liked to eat?
"No", answered Yerachmiel, "why would I? We never spoke about such things, it didn't interest me".
"So maybe you know what made them happy? Or what made them sad? I'm almost certain you don't", I said, and Yerachmiel nodded in agreement. "So in actuality, the only common denominator you shared with them, was that each of you wanted the other's body, with no connection to personality, goals or uniqueness. Correct?"
"For sure", answered Yerachmiel.
"In other words, you created in your mind a very large constraint factor, kind of like a huge umbrella, under which most people could fit. And when you go in the street and see a pretty girl, she can definitely fit the constraints that you set in your mind for potential partners to fulfill your sexual desires".
Yerachmiel nodded in consent.
"Now", I continued, "let us think about the relationship that you are about to build, Be'ezrat Hashem. I am pretty sure that you already know what your future wife likes to eat, no?"
"Sure", answered Yerachmiel, "I even took her out this week to a Chinese restaurant".
"And did she share with you what makes her happy or sad and what her goals in life are?" I asked.
"Certainly", answered Yerachmiel, "we speak about everything openly, we don't hide secrets from each other".
"Great", I said. "In other words, you have connected with her as an individual, with all the unique ingredients of her personality. It is clear that what is common between you two is unique only to you two. So when you see another girl in the street, she has no connection to the intimate relationship that you have created with your bride".
"For sure, Rebbe, this is clear and obvious".
So let's progress onwards, and let me ask you another question...
To be continued...
Yerachmiel is holding a deep discussion with the Rosh Yeshiva in preparation for his upcoming marriage. The topic on hand is; How can Yerachmiel be sure that the relationship he is building with his bride will not be affected by his addiction and his past memories and experiences.
The Rosh Yeshiva continues...
"Now let me ask you a question, Yerachmiel: Did you ever think it would be nice if you had a new, state-of-the-art car?"
"Sure, I wish!", answered Yerachmiel. "I hope that in the near future I'll be able to allow myself to by a nice car".
"I hope you succeed', I wished him, and added: "and what would you say to a state-of-the-art space-craft, like the United States has, or like other countries have built, that could take you and your bride to the moon and back, or just cruise through space whenever you felt like it?"
"Right!", answered Yerachmiel sarcastically, "I'm not some little kid that has totally unrealistic fantasies".
"In other words, you are basically claiming that we only desire that which we know we have some chance of attaining, but things we know we have no chance in the world of having, we don't covet."
"Right Rebbe, this is self-understood", answered Yerachmiel.
"Well, you have just explained the Even Ezra (Shemos 20:14) that asks: How could Hakadosh Baruch Hu command us in the 10 commandments: 'Thou shall not covet another man's wife'? It would seem that this is something out of our control! If we go in the street and see a woman, especially if she is pretty and attractive, how can we cause ourselves not to covet her? It's against the laws of human nature - which were designed to bring about an attraction between a man and a woman. It would seem to make a lot more sense if the Torah simply commanded us not to actually be with someone else's wife. And even this would be hard enough to fulfill, since the lust inside us sometimes threatens to overcome us; but at least on our actions we can try to maintain control. And yet, the Torah commands us straight out: 'Thou shall not covet', which means: Do not even desire it even in your heart! Is this at all possible?"
"To answer this question the Even Ezra brings a parable: The king of the land has a beautiful daughter, and whoever sees her is captivated by her beauty. A simple villager is going along his way when the princess's entourage passes him by and he catches a glimpse of her. Will he covet her in his heart? Or would he even seek another woman of her caliber to be his wife? The answer is clear: If the villager is not crazy, it is clear to him as the mid-day sun that the King's daughter can never be his, and he will therefore not desire her at all. It's only natural for him to desire that which he knows he has some chance of attaining, if even the smallest."
"The Holy Torah is teaching us here an important lesson in human nature: The moment we internalize that something is not relevant to us whatsoever, and it will never have a relevance to us in the future either, automatically we won't desire it. But if everything is an open possibility in our mind, when we don't differentiate clearly between what is relevant to us and what is not, when we think we could get anything - if only we tried hard enough to attain it, then we don't have even the smallest chance that we won't covet these things in our hearts."
"So now, let's return your original question. You asked if the many sexual encounters and experiences of your past will effect the relationship that you are building now with your future wife. The answer is simple: As long as the common denominator that you created in your mind is open wide enough to include almost every woman as a relevant option to fulfilling your sexual desires - as unlikely as it may be, but still a realistic possibility to you - then it will indeed be difficult for you to stay true to your wife in the long term. But if you are able to internalize in your mind, in a manner that leaves no two ways about it, that of all the women in the world, only your wife is permitted to you and you have no other possibilities - not even the smallest of the small - to be with a woman other than your wife, then automatically you won't covet any other woman, not even in your heart.
"And I'll bring you a proof to this idea from the blessings that we will say soon under your Chuppah, be'ezrat Hashem. One of the brachos says as follows: 'Blessed are you Hashem... who forbade the non-married to us, and who permitted the married to us through Chuppah and Kiddushin'. It seems that there is unnecessary repetition in this blessing. Why isn't it enough just to say 'who permitted the married to us through Chuppah and Kiddushin?' What is the point of specifying in the blessing also that which he forbade to us?"
"I think I know the answer", called out Yerachmiel. "Just like the Rav is saying, that it is only if we know without any doubt that all other women in the world are forbidden to us, that we can truly connect properly with the one woman who is permitted to us."
"Exactly!", I smiled in pleasure.
"I have another question on this matter", continued Yerachmiel; "even if I am able to internalize that all other women in the world are not relevant to me at all and my wife is the only one permitted to me, how do I erase all the memories from the many sexual experiences that I unfortunately had in the past, which pop up in my mind morning and night without invitation, particularly in the least expected times? It could happen in middle of davening, or while I'm learning with my Chavrusah. Even yesterday, when I went out with my Kallah to a restaurant, suddenly in middle of our conversation, without any connection to anything, I found myself going over in my imagination one of the sexual experiences I had; and as much as I tried to get rid of these thoughts, they only got stronger. What should I do if such thoughts come into my head while I'm with my wife?"
I smiled to him. "Another wonderful question. Again this shows how seriously you are taking the responsibility of the new home you are about to build".
"One of the central factors of a person's personality is his memory, without it we couldn't function at all. But let me ask you a question. When these memories enter your head, in what context do they come up?"
"What does that mean, in what context? In a sexual context of course!"
"Obviously, Yerachmiel", I answered. "Let me rephrase the question; are these memories pleasant to you?"
"Unfortunately yes", answered Yerachmiel flustered, "they remind me of all the pleasurable experiences I had in the past, even though now I regret them very much".
"And when these pleasant sexual thoughts come up in your mind, do the thoughts of disillusionment, regret and sadness that these experiences caused you, come up in parallel as well?"
"Totally not", answered Yerachmiel pointedly, "only the memories of the sexual experience itself come up in my head".
"Did you ever ask yourself why? After all, we both know how much pain and suffering these deeds caused you. So why don't these feelings come up as well, together with the pleasant sexual memories? The answer is, that the human mind distinguishes between pleasant memories - which it chooses to keep, and unpleasant memories - which it chooses to push away and forget. Forgetfulness is a big gift, it's a divine kindness that Hashem does with us so that life can continue even after we underwent difficult experiences or loss. If we remembered everything, we wouldn't be able to function at all; we would be sad and depressed the whole time."
"So for me, forgetting is a double edged sword!", called out Yerachmiel.
"Not necessarily", I replied. "As long as your mind continues to catalog the sexual experiences that you had as pleasant, they will continue to pop up in your mind again and again. The only way to prevent this is to change the status of these memories, in other words; to turn the sexual memories from pleasant memories - which the mind wants to keep, to difficult and bitter memories - which the mind will try to forget.
"But how do I do this?" asked Yerachmiel.
"There's an effective and simple way", I replied. "From now on, accustom yourself that whenever sexual memories pop up in your mind, instead of trying to forget them - like you've been doing until now without much luck - try and remind yourself of all the suffering and pain that they caused you as well. This way, slowly but surely these experiences will be transformed from pleasurable memories which the mind wants to save, to difficult experiences that the mind will do everything it can to push them away."
"I am speechless" said Yerachmiel. "How does the Rav know all this?"
"On my own I wouldn't know anything", I answered. "But Chazal taught us: 'Thoughts of aveiros (sins) are worse than the aveiros' (Yuma 29a). But this is hard to understand. Is thinking of a sin truly worse than someone who does the sin? Think about it for a second; who is worse, one who does the sin in practice, or one who thought about doing it but in the end overcomes his evil impulse and doesn't do it?"
"Of course, the one who sins in practice!", said Yerachmiel.
"But Chazal are teaching us, that thoughts of sin do more damage to a person than the sin itself. Perhaps this can be understood in the context of what we just discussed. Chazal, in their great wisdom, understood that in the case of sins we did in practice, we can feel a strong regret afterwards and do Teshuvah on them, and these experiences will be ingrained in our minds as painful experiences that we would prefer to forget. But this is not the case with sexual fantasies, which - even if we succeed in overcoming our desires and not sinning - the fantasies themselves become ingrained in our minds as things we would have liked to do, and memories of these pleasurable fantasies can be ingrained in the mind for a much longer time."
I saw that Yerachmiel was trying to digest what I had just told him. Finally he said, "I have one more question, but I am embarrassed to ask it to the Rosh yeshiva".
"I suggest we finish up for now", I said. "Mincha is in a few minutes and it would be a shame to talk under pressure. How about you write down the question and give it to me tonight, after Maariv? This way you'll feel less uncomfortable, and be'ezrat Hashem tomorrow afternoon we'll work it out together".
Yerachmiel accepted the idea happily and went his way.